and let me kick you off a bungee

And my world is crumbling, crashing, burning - I am a thundering presence, a raspy cry in the dead of day as the physical world around me crumbles. I can't tell if I'm truly there to witness it, to watch it all fall apart before my eyes because I'd already lost all of it, everything. I loved her, I loved momma and the world did not take pity on me, did not sympathize with the way I clung to the earth at the lip of the Heart, the way I screamed and howled and wept, how even as the darkening mists swallowed the world, I didn't want to budge.

She fell so gracefully, plummeted into bubbling bright red and was swallowed wholly, she was gone before I could even register, before I could recognize that I was a bastard child, I was alone. I had held Sameira close to me, cooing pitiful, hopeful sentences in case somehow it would stitch together the deep, wide gash that spread through me - she went stiff and cold in my embrace, and I had never felt more alone. I was thrown, dropped, crushed, life threw me through hoop after hoop, and I put up with it's bullshit, but watching momma so willingly take herself out of this world - I was gagging, gasping, yelling, because you cannot expect me to so easily let her go. There was still so much more of her I had to experience, so much more I wanted to do with her, I wanted to really be her child, not her mistake, not her burden - I wanted to be her daughter, to be loved by her and all the sides she may have, every angle, every missing memory and every flaw.

I think it was tragic, to realize only after her death that I really did miss her, that I loved her, that despite all the anxiety, stress and fear that slipped beneath my skin when I was near her, the memory of my eyes, "golden, like the sun, like the sky right before the set and rise of the sun." She had told me that once, had trembled as she said it, pressed against my side with her voice low and sweet, she had told me I was beautiful. It was one of the few times there wasn't tension in the air between us, not haunting reality, the thought of all the shit she did to me in a fit of panic, or the fact that she could never stand up to acknowledging she had done it, that she had taken everything from me before I was even standing on four shaky legs.

My forehead burns, my chest gapes, I fell so entirely incomplete, feel that everything had been torn away from my fingertips for a second time. I am a disaster, crushed beneath my despair, broken and frantic, I was hovering over the edge of the Heart, considering plunging in after her, screaming out to her as though she could hear me, buried under layers of magma that rose and bubbled, brewed and cooked her empty shell in impossible temperatures. I don't know how long I had stood there just, screaming, how long it took me to collapse from exhaustion, from ruin - I panted, heaved, trembled before the big red mess that consumed my vision. I'd wanted to do something, to curse the gods or fate, to spit on the dirt and walk away because maybe for a second, I thought she deserved it. I wanted to stomp my feet, to throw myself over the ground and have a sick, childish tantrum until the looming black mists engulfed me the same way it had most of Helovia.

I ran, I ran and ran until my lungs were on fire and the phantom tears staining my cheeks burned through the skin, until they became burning hot, acid on my tongue, slipping down my face and leaving a blazing trail behind me. I was numb, I was dulled and senseless and I wanted to feel, but I was feeling, I was feeling too much and it fucking hurt. I was panic, despair, I was anguish and hate, hopelessness, untamed anxieties and vicious uncertainty that burned against my skin and promised nothing but more suffering, more tragedy and awful emotions. I was choking, a plume of smoke and stench, of diminished fires and overwhelming fatigue. I ran to the Marsh, to the place momma had lived out her life, had made the decision to end it, where I had left her, disowned her, because I thought she was insufferable, that she was pitiful. She was embedded into the roots of the Marsh, into the murky waters and the creeping shadows that lingered, the whispers, the kísértet with their silent wails and promise of freedom, of endless drifting, of nothing.

I found something I could not comprehend, that my fractured, broken mind could not handle as I look at disaster, as my shrill cries become louder, more prominent as I choke, gagging on the scattered mists of what was once lively individuals, individuals with families, with flaws, with interests and hopes, dreams for the future - they were being massacred, wiped clean as though they never mattered at all, as if they never even existed. I am heaving, panting, breaking, and I realize that perhaps momma felt this way too, felt the faint thundering of her heart in moments of panic, felt the dizziness, the stillness while her body closed in, while her mind shut down - I breathe in sharply, searing pain in my lungs and dryness in my throat, and let out a panicked yell that startles even I.

It does not come out as firm and aggressive, it is desperation, it is fleeting panic, it's the reality of it all coming to an end. "Bassza meg, csonttáska! Nem látja, hogy elég tettél?!" My voice is cracking, begging as I look up to the figure of the monster before us, the one who is tearing everything apart, who is overpowering even the gods that have ruled over this land, who have always seemed like the epitome of power. But here they are, being overwhelmed by this manifestation of absolute destruction, of catastrophe and disaster blanketed over a place I've suddenly soured towards. "Mi többet tehetsz? Nincs semmi maradt." I plead, quieter this time, to no one in particular, not the screaming lovers, the screaming sons and daughters, the mothers, fathers, the friends and even the acquaintances, all screaming because they are helpless, they are losing so much in a heartbeat at the hands of the merciless.

I am crumpling up, turning in, a broken record stuck on repeat as I just whisper, as I pray and beg, as I cower. "Kérlek, állj meg! Kérem! Kérem!"