Tears from her eyes would be too selfish, but she felt the sting regardless. Djinn, Mauja, Ktulu, Osiris, the rest of the Grey? Who all had she hurt in the process of her selfish adventures? Even the fact that she had wandered away along this blue, rocky path made her feel sick to her stomach with self-loathing. The memories of her bubbling happiness, open kindness and stunning joy at her life unhindered by the past was the most selfish, unknowing act she had ever made, and she hated herself for it.
The only way to erase the past is to erase history itself. Ophelia was at the mercy of others' knowledge. A sister she did not know told her that she was not the same, but that she was needed. A stallion who had saved her from a rather tense situation had been so injured by her ignorance. Mauja, a stallion she had believed to be a dream, had been aided by her before. She remembered nothing. Forgetting names and faces, hurting everyone in her path with this horrid, foul desire.
Was it worth it? Was what she asked for worth the agony of her friends? Friends she could not remember? She wanted to tear herself away from the world and return to the north to waste away, alone. Even suicide was a selfish choice at this point, and she would hurt everyone even more. Anger built in her chest as her cloven hooves carried her to the Sun God's shrine, though the anger was not directed at the God. The anger was directed at herself.
Every tinge of discomfort, lick of the blue flames and scratch on her hide was a welcomed pain. Perhaps if she ached physically enough, she would repay her sins. Repay, perhaps, but never undo. Nothing that just happened could be undone. If only she could make them forget. No. Selfish. Ophelia came to the revelation that she was a truly loathsome creature; the most self-centered wretch to ever defile the ground on which she walked. Her pure white coat was false advertising for what lay beneath the surface. She hated her former self for making this choice, for making her suffer for it when she was unaware of why it was made in the first place.
Hooves stopped before the shrine of the Sun God, and she was shaking with emotion from horn to tail. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest, and she blinked away the scratchy tears from her eyes without allowing them to fall. A pressure was growing tighter and tighter in her head, muscles of her face tensed into a grimace. Ophelia tumbled to her knees, broken before his shrine. "Forgive me, Sun God. I have made a grave mistake..." she whispered, voice cracking from her lips like the fissure in her heart.
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Backfiring, Worth the Price? [Sun God]
