|
O r i n t h i a | M u r d o c k
- - - - -
By my verdict MURDOCK is the winner.
ORINTHIA -- post 1 (attack only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: rear
- 1| Powerplay: “…bringing my two front legs down on his back”
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
0| Flow
+ 1| Easy read
MURDOCK -- post 1
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: hit to barrel
+ 1| Attack: bite
[Prose]
0| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 2| Easy read
ORINTHIA -- post 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: bitten
- 1| Attack: should bite – you were running at him, then pivoted at his flank (not sure what that means) and then bit his shoulder? This is entirely confusing because it’s like she’s facing and standing in different directions at once.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
0| Flow
+ 1| Easy read
MURDOCK -- post 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: bitten – didn’t seem necessary to take this attack given the circumstances
+ 1| Attack: buck
+ 1| Attack: bite
+ 1| Injury: mentioning rib pain
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 2| Flow
+ 2| Easy read
ORINTHIA -- post 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: took buck – you described it weird and it confused me, because you wrote it as if it was two different kicks/attacks.
0| Injury: you mention pain, but little else, please describe in more detail next time.
- 1| Defense: ear bite – there’s no way he could have gotten your left ear instead of your right
- 1| Attack: lashed out – his left side is to you, not his right, and you have no detail to this attack.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
0| Flow
0| Easy read – some confusing areas
MURDOCK -- post 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: knocked to knees – loved the description of this
+ 1| Attack: bite
0| Attack: hip-check – unrealistic he’d be shoving his hip left, to her right, thus shoving off his recently injured right knee.
[Prose]
0| Emotion
+ 2| Flow
+ 2| Easy read
ORINTHIA -- post 4 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: bitten – not necessary to take this attack in this scenario
0| Defense: knocked over – unlikely she’d be shoved over from a small hip check. He was close to her and they weren’t really moving, so she shouldn’t have been that unbalanced, even in snow.
ORINTHIA
[Bonus]
+ 2| Surroundings
+ 1| Breed
+ 1| Health
[Injuries]
- 1| Ending the fight not standing.
[Creativity]
+ 1| Great use of the snow with your slipping.
Comments: You did incredibly well in this fight (I believe it’s your first?)! You already show a good grasp of describing scenery and breed differences and how they affect you in the game. You also did very well with mentioning your injuries, although in some cases more description of the injury to your body and not just saying it hurt would be better (bruise vs. tear vs. swelling etc.). You also had a habit of taking every injury, which isn’t necessary! You can fully evade some attacks, so long as it’s realistic to do so given the scenario. I think you still have some practice to do regarding setting up good attacks. You had a lot of stop and go fighting so it didn’t flow well and there was a lot of waiting time between everything, and you only ever seemed to attack once per post which, although fine, I would have liked to see more variety instead of a formula. Try studying how real horses fight and read up on other judged spars to get a sense of good attacks/defenses and timing and positioning. Prose wise you did very well integrating emotion! Just expand on it a little bit more :) you’re biggest issue was flow. Your writing felt very choppy and abrupt, so try to use more transitive words. Otherwise keep at it.
MURDOCK
[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed
+ 2| Surroundings
[Injuries]
None.
[Creativity]
+ 1| Great use of the now with your slipping.
Comments: You also did incredibly well. I really enjoyed reading your posts, you had lovely prose, but I was so sad you didn’t include a lot of emotion! I think you got so focused on the technical, which is very easy to do, you forgot to put more of Murdock’s feelings and thoughts into it, so that’s a definite thing for you to focus on because it will really help make the fight more alive. Realism wise you did amazing with your scenery, but I’d rather see more of how it influences the fight than just describing it, and you also did good mentioning the breeds but again more how it affects than just description. For instance you both kept saying how Orinthia was bigger/slower and Murdock smaller/faster, but you took every single one of her attacks! If he was faster I would have expected you to play upon better evasions – and just as a general point I was surprised you took every single attack. Although it is not a bad thing, it does beat your character up. Missing attacks isn’t wrong so long as it’s realistic given the scenario, some of which were for you. Attack wise though you did exceptionally well, and I really liked how well you did with describing and remembering injuries. Overall you’re likely to only keep improving at this rate.
TOTAL
ORINTHIA - 59
MURDOCK - 74
|
.svg/2000px-Google_Chrome_icon_(2011).svg.png){kind=icon}
⇒
Stark Raving Mad [Orinthia]
