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03-12-2013, 04:09 PM
[ OOC commentary: Same as last time. Feel free to revise all you want. ^^
Okay, so I actually like your idea of flying to avoid being knocked over during a rear, but, unfortunately, you cannot "redo" actions during a fight - you're pretty much stuck on moving forward and cannot go backward.
Kri already took damage from Note's rear, which was a simultaneous action to his attack. So, basically her knocking into him is when his hooves on her back, which you did not mention in this post. It's also important to know that horses hold their weight entirely on their back legs during a rear, so you would not be able to push off from the ground using them. Horses are heavy, and it's already a struggle to have them lift off from a stand still. Basically, his entire weight would have to be lifted from his wings. I think it's interesting that you used flight to catch his fall, I just don't really see it as plausible here.
An easier alternative would be just to bowl over onto Kri's back. Instead of making his weight fall backward, push it forward. x3 It would be much easier to read and much more realistic than trying to imagine a horse flying backward. However, if you want to keep it, try to go into more detail about -how- he manages to transition into flying upside-down. Because one flap of his wings just... doesn't cut it for me.
OKAY. From here on out, there were other problems.
"The bay's sliver hooves, glowing white in the moonlight, moved up to meet the center of Kri's dark chest, pushing against the mare's thick body." -- This is just cold hard powerplay. I thought maybe you were referring to the attack placed on her from the rear, but that landed on her back near her spine, as I said. You cannot redirect injuries onto your opponent once they have been stated. You may aim anywhere, but it's up to your opponent to decide if and where they take damage. Once it's stated, it cannot be changed.
"The awkward feeling of being upside down in the air was not for this stallion, so he twisted his body around, almost doing a buck in the air to hopefully knock his hooves again Kri's nape or lower jaw."
For this, I am assuming Note cannot be far off the ground if he is aiming for Kri's neck. She's pretty short. Her lower jaw is also supposed to be tucked against her shoulder, as stated in the last post. If that is the case, his wing would probably be damaged by twirling around. However, I could not get a clear mental image of this maneuver in my head, so maybe he is doing something I am not understanding. This needs to be clarified, again, if you are continuing with the same approach.
Good points:
"At last, the bay could pull his head back and away from Kri. His mouth ached from the jolt she had given him from stopping so suddenly."
Recoil is always good. ;D
"Note returned his hooves to the ground, a jolt surging through his hooves and up his legs as they met the earth much harder than he had initially expected. He stumbled forward, feeling dizzy and light headed from the battle."
Again, more recoil from attacks. Always a nice thing to see.
I think you have gotten a lot better at taking injury and you have very creative ideas! You just need to consider the actual mechanics and the plausibility. Be sure to write out everything in detail, even if you think you are being exhaustion. You still had 300 words to use here. Don't take them for granted! ]
Okay, so I actually like your idea of flying to avoid being knocked over during a rear, but, unfortunately, you cannot "redo" actions during a fight - you're pretty much stuck on moving forward and cannot go backward.
Kri already took damage from Note's rear, which was a simultaneous action to his attack. So, basically her knocking into him is when his hooves on her back, which you did not mention in this post. It's also important to know that horses hold their weight entirely on their back legs during a rear, so you would not be able to push off from the ground using them. Horses are heavy, and it's already a struggle to have them lift off from a stand still. Basically, his entire weight would have to be lifted from his wings. I think it's interesting that you used flight to catch his fall, I just don't really see it as plausible here.
An easier alternative would be just to bowl over onto Kri's back. Instead of making his weight fall backward, push it forward. x3 It would be much easier to read and much more realistic than trying to imagine a horse flying backward. However, if you want to keep it, try to go into more detail about -how- he manages to transition into flying upside-down. Because one flap of his wings just... doesn't cut it for me.
OKAY. From here on out, there were other problems.
"The bay's sliver hooves, glowing white in the moonlight, moved up to meet the center of Kri's dark chest, pushing against the mare's thick body." -- This is just cold hard powerplay. I thought maybe you were referring to the attack placed on her from the rear, but that landed on her back near her spine, as I said. You cannot redirect injuries onto your opponent once they have been stated. You may aim anywhere, but it's up to your opponent to decide if and where they take damage. Once it's stated, it cannot be changed.
"The awkward feeling of being upside down in the air was not for this stallion, so he twisted his body around, almost doing a buck in the air to hopefully knock his hooves again Kri's nape or lower jaw."
For this, I am assuming Note cannot be far off the ground if he is aiming for Kri's neck. She's pretty short. Her lower jaw is also supposed to be tucked against her shoulder, as stated in the last post. If that is the case, his wing would probably be damaged by twirling around. However, I could not get a clear mental image of this maneuver in my head, so maybe he is doing something I am not understanding. This needs to be clarified, again, if you are continuing with the same approach.
Good points:
"At last, the bay could pull his head back and away from Kri. His mouth ached from the jolt she had given him from stopping so suddenly."
Recoil is always good. ;D
"Note returned his hooves to the ground, a jolt surging through his hooves and up his legs as they met the earth much harder than he had initially expected. He stumbled forward, feeling dizzy and light headed from the battle."
Again, more recoil from attacks. Always a nice thing to see.
I think you have gotten a lot better at taking injury and you have very creative ideas! You just need to consider the actual mechanics and the plausibility. Be sure to write out everything in detail, even if you think you are being exhaustion. You still had 300 words to use here. Don't take them for granted! ]
