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D e s t r i e r | S m o k e
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By my verdict DESTRIER is the winner.
Destrier has been awarded one VP.
DESTRIER -- post 1 (attack only)
[Realism]
0 | Attack: Biting at Smoke's side. I wanted to note here that you did not mention which side you are attacking, nor which direction you are coming from. There is little description to tell me much about it in this post. I do think it is good that you mention potentially having to alter the attack to her movement, though.
[Prose]
0| Emotion: this post had lots of material that could have been made emotional, but it read as dry.
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read
SMOKE -- post 1
[Realism]
0 | Attack: Biting at Destrier. You give me a little more to work with in this post than Destrier's, but you still fail to dictate a direction. While you may not have wanted to control your opponent's movements, you still need to clarify Smoke's movements, which ultimately kept me from awarding this point.
+ 1| Defense: Speeding forward to make Destrier's bite ineffective.
+ 1| Attack: Trying to ram into his shoulder. The only thing that made me kind of nervous here is that you are assuming he doesn't turn around as well, and then I think you should have mentioned something about being wary of his hindend. I didn't take off because I assumed you were trying to avoid predicting the movements of your opponent.
+ 1| Attack: Biting at his neck.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: The first half was kind of dry, but you picked it up toward the end.
+ 1| Easy Read
0 | Flow: You had some areas in this post where better transitions would have been appreciated and the repetition of words made me ogle a little.
DESTRIER -- post 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Recoil: Oh, yes. I absolutely love the mention of recoil from the bite.
+ 1| Defense: Using the same reasoning as Smoke to minimize the bite.
0 | "The sound of a dragon's cry from high above was what brought him back to the present...." I'm not going to count off here because it doesn't really affect the fight directly, but, as a sidenote, you should not space out during battle. The mention of past ordeals is great, but you can watch something unfold and think at the same time. You also say Destrier doesn't stop earlier but this break implies he probably is just standing there.
+ 1| Attack: Turning around to kick out at Smoke while she is charging. While I'm not sure why you had him turn around to face her to begin with if this was your ultimate decision, it was still a good way to turn the tide.
- 1| Dropped attack: No mention of her slam. Even if you are kicking out at her, you still have to mention all of her intended attacks and how they affect the scheme now. I have no idea what happened to Smoke's bite, nor do I know if she hit you at all. You can't decide where your hooves hit her, but you do have to mention where and if her attacks land.
- 1| Dropped attack: No mention of where/if her bite lands.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: A little dry still, but it was better.
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read
SMOKE -- post 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Taking the kick to her shoulder.
0| Magic: This magic was not defensive or offensive really in nature, but was more of an add on to the attacks she does later. It was not creative in use, so I won't be giving you points for it. I just wanted you to know it wasn't missed.
- 2| Powerplay: "Their bodies were obscured from each other's views, but she knew exactly where he was." -- You cannot, absolutely cannot, know exactly where your opponent is when surrounded by thick smoke without powerplay or telepathy. Destrier could have moved from where Smoke anticipated him to be, and she has no way of seeing that movement.
+ 1| Attack: Rearing and kicking with front legs at Destrier's shoulder. You kind of assume he is standing still here as well, but never directly mention it, so I didn't count off.
+ 1| Attack: Biting at Destrier's topline.
+ 1| Experience: Mentioning a previous fight with Paladin.
0 | Attack: Bucking at Destrier's hindend. This assumes Destrier hasn't repositioned at all, and you do not mention giving leniency in case he has. I also do not like that you run away immediately after and essentially rob your opponent of the possibility to have stopped her.
[Prose]
0 | Emotion: Very mechanical for the majority of the post. At the very end, you try to inject this, but I still don't feel anything while reading it.
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read
DESTRIER -- post 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Coughing/eyes stinging resulting from the dense smoke. This was very realistic.
0 | Defense: Taking the kicks to the shoulder and barrel. A fine place to take this attack, but no mention of the extent of the injury or pain.
0| Attack: Kicking out at Smoke. I think expecting Destrier to be fast enough to able to kick out at the belly of Smoke in this situation is a little off, but that you mention being able to unbalance her during a rear is great and you mention some wiggle room in his aim, so I kept it at a 0.
+ 1| Defense: Dodging the bite entirely was realistic considering his movements.
+ 1| Defense: Redirecting the kick to his flank. You do mention it's a minimal injury, but nothing of pain. I didn't count off because you went above and beyond mentioning his start forward from it, which was very horse-like of a response.
- 1| Borderline Powerplay: "She would, of course, for she had to, and she kenw not of his magic." Okay, the reason I am counting this as borderline is because logically, yes, Smoke has to breathe and unless she metaplays, she cannot know of his magic. Still, this is declarative language about your opponent. You cannot say what your opponent does or will do. You only get to decide how the attacks they set out for your character affect your character.
+ 1| Attack: Using magic to try and choke Smoke.
0| Attack: Rearing to kick at Smoke's withers with his front legs. Which side? Smoke has completely moved away now so I have no reference for sides anymore. You also kind of assume Smoke is standing, but this is less worrisome since your magic would likely have her choking on air... but still.
0| Attack: This buck is described as "quick", but you still extend this rear for a long time, and then have to land, and turn, and all of this is while you are assuming Smoke is at a standstill. I think this is a good defense attack when you are planning to flee, but its timing was off. Also, as I told Kachie, I do not like when I see people fleeing their opponent and robbing them of the possibility of a counter.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read
SMOKE -- post 3
[Realism]
0| Defense: Directing his kick toward her hind instead of underbelly. While I think your redirection was great, you do not seem to take into account that his kick would be about the same time as her kick. You make it seem as though she immediately starts running, when she was bucking before running away, but you still mention her hoof hitting cleanly. I did not count off because of the exceptional amount of detail spent on her stride and almost pulled muscle.
0 | Injury: Magic. You downplay this magic a lot. Reading the description offered in the text and the records, I feel like there should have been burning mentioned. You also stop the effects in her throat, but what about her lungs? The drying out was realistic, and her reaction was still good, so I didn't count off. I just think you copped out here.
+ 1| Defense: "Rolling back" out of his reach. I think this was a good move, but I had to look up the maneuver on youtube because I'm not all too familiar with the names of western reigning techniques. I think explaining her front end movement would have been good instead of just using the term because when I first read this I had no idea what you were doing.
+ 1| Attack: Zaffre breathing fire at Destrier.
[Prose]
- 1| Flow: The flow here was disrupted because you did not clarify a specific move immediately, so I was confused. You also separated mentioning that Destrier's attack did not land from your defense, and left it after a full attack from a dragon. Ultimately, this post was very disjointed in its organization, and I did not have an easy time reading, but not because any single point was unclear, but because you order this post in a strange manner.
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Easy Read
DESTRIER -- post 4
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Scrambling away from the flames the best he can. Good pain and description of injury.
+ 1| Attack: Warstomp. This was a good tactic to use considering he is expecting Smoke to dodge any of his direct attacks.
+ 1| Attack: trying to ram into her left shoulder with his good shoulder.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: Much better in this post than your others.
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read
DEFENDER -- post 4
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Trying to leap out of the way but being unbalanced and hindered by the War Stomp.
+ 1| Defense: Redirecting his charge to her hind end. I think considering the unbalance caused by the quaking the slip of her hind end was realistic. Good mention of pain and injury.
+ 1| Attack: biting at his shoulder and slamming into Destrier.
- 2| Powerplay: "Determination and anger lent her energy and speed as she swept up on his left side, teeth snapping at his shoulder as she swung into him." -- You cannot assume you catch up to your opponent, you can only attempt. Furthermore, you directly state she throws herself into him, which is flatly powerplay, even if I hope you did not intend it as such. It is also unwise to assume your opponent continues running. Since there is no mention of Destrier's intent after the ram, you are sort of hoping he keeps running here.
+ 1| Attack: biting at his neck.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: Probably your best in this whole fight. Smoke was pretty pissed off and it showed.
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read
DESTRIER -- post 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Stopping to minimize damage from the bite and avoid the slam. This was a great way to combat Smoke's continued assaults through running. However, you neglect pain here once more. Even if it is not painful, you should mention that, but since you have the other bases covered, I won't count off.
- 1| Dropped attack: Bite toward the neck. Even though I assume you are using the same "remained stopped", you should have mentioned it. You could have made a comical note about how she snaps at the air here, which would have made me smile. Next time, make me smile and don't drop attacks.
DESTRIER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Surroundings: You mention the footing of the terrain several times here, which I thought was nice.
+ 1| Breed Comparison: You mention breed comparison a lot, but you also forget it at points in this fight and assume Destrier would have the same speed as Smoke.
[Injuries]
None.
[Creativity]
Nothing of note.
Comments: I think this was an excellent fight, considering how much experience you have compared to your opponent. You did nothing that was wrong with the anatomy of the horses, nor did I feel like you made a lot of "rookie" mistakes. However, I want to urge you to keep in mind the breed differences between Destrier and your opponent. Destrier is a large horse, and that makes him slower. I know Friesians can be adept at footwork, but in terms of short range speed, a little quarter horse or mustang build is going to be more agile. You need to work on dropping of attacks and being sure you include details on injury, such as pain and well... the injury itself. I feel like that is what cost you the most points during this fight. Just because an attack misses does not mean you ignore it. It must be mentioned! Also, you struggled with emotion during this fight. It can be worked on, but if you read your post and it sound dry to you, it is dry and you should insert some heavy emotion words. Laughing, scowling, frustration, etc. should all be mentioned. Overall, though, you did a spectacular job. Keep up the good work!
SMOKE
[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed Comparison: You are constantly aware of the breed differences between Destrier and Smoke, and you use them to your advantage during the fight in a realistic manner.
[Injuries]
None.
[Creativity]
Nothing of note.
Comments: You often have a problem of handling attacks in a realistic manner. I think you downplayed sometimes, and in other cases maybe there was just a confusion of timing. A lot of the time, though, I felt like you were responding not based on how it was written but on how you judged the attacks as a player. Even if something comes across as ridiculous to you, you sort of have to go with the flow and handle it in a way that makes sense. Honestly, I felt like your biggest problem during this fight was not taking your opponent as seriously as you should have. I was also surprised by the density of powerplay in your posts. Be sure to read back and weed out anything declarative with regards to the other character. At times, your posts read as very mechanical and did not carry much emotion at all. Overall, you did well in this fight and had some great tactics for attacks and defenses. Good job!
TOTAL
Destrier - 70
Smoke - 69
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[COMPLETE] We Will Stand Tall [Smoke]
