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I had come to see Ktulu for many weeks now, our meetings usually ending when the sun just started to peek. This tired, beaten body would rise or awake. Stretching and nosing Cera from his warm spot in the grasses; together we would travel back to the Throat. Always limbs would freeze when just out of sight and my head would turn, looking back at the one person that held my confidence in these trying days. Our morning would stretch on, training, agility work, talking to family and meeting new friends.
Lately though, I’ve felt distanced. Apart from all the others, my true self only seemed to shine through when around my son, or Ktulu and Hototo. With each new nightmare my heart began to darken with hateful thoughts that drained energy and spunk. Sinking fast, without fully realizing just how far the hurt went. Unsatisfied revenge had filled this soul to the brim; I yearned for it; for him. What pissed me off even more was that that he most likely knew, and was taking secret pleasure of it. Or at least, this is what the mind kept repeating like a broken song in my head.
He knows….and you are powerless to do anything. You aren’t worthy of title or placement. Cera hates you for the amount of grief and failure you have brought to his heart. You are a terrible father. When Ktulu finds out just how worthless you actually are….well…the nasty voice would laugh, its shallow tones ringing between the corners of my skull. Eyes would shut; trying to drown out all the wicked little voices that had suddenly sprang up over the past few days.
I needed to confide in someone….but who? Certainly not my love, my mistress; our relationship was still very young, much too young for me to burden her shoulders with. Feeling heartsick and knowing no other who could offer guidance my steps carried this frame away from the sands one dark evening. No moon shined tonight, just me and the cold, lonely stars. Shoulders hunched and steps walked as if having dug too deep within earth to take another forward motion.
Eventually the familiar sights of the gods territory came into view. My eyes rose, expectantly seeking the one comfort that had always been….even in childhood, tangible. I hadn’t been here in nearly a season, the duties of family kept me from easily making the journey. That didn’t stop my lips from praying and mediating as usual though, the lord of earth could hear everything. Everywhere.
My approach slowed, and finally stopped altogether. A look of horror crossed my face, wordlessly lips fell apart to form a silent, “No.” The life, once so feverously burning, was dead. My lords shrine was covered and the rest totally destroyed. Locking gaze on one of the little flowers my legs began to shake, finally I could look no more and collapsed there in the dust. Muzzle pressed into cool earth and breath sending up a cloud of ash, “Earth father, have you forsaken me? Have I sinned against you?”
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On the brink of failure (earth god, open)
