[COMPLETE] Our worth in Gold [Mirage/Spar]

the Rift

[COMPLETE] Our worth in Gold [Mirage/Spar]

Official Posts: 847

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Stallion :: Equine :: ::

Official

#11

02-17-2013, 11:21 AM (This post was last modified: 02-17-2013, 11:21 AM by Official.)

M i r a g e | T h o r
Mirage has been awarded 1 VP.
- - - - -
By my verdict MIRAGE is the winner.

MIRAGE -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
0| Attack: biting toward him. It'd a good build-up and a plausible attack, but no mention at all is made of where Mirage aims. Face? Shoulder? Flank, butt?
0| Attack: cow kick in passing. Again, a good, plausible attack, but no mention of aim besides "little accuracy at the mammoth creature who was now positioned behind her". Does she aim low? High? Is she close, or further away (so if he stood still, she'd hit him more from the back and less from the side/at an angle?)?

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Basic emotional presence.

THOR -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: bite to shoulder. Great that you mention pain and that it'll swell, but also remember to notice it further along in the fight, perhaps while he's running, that he could "feel the ache of his shoulder in each step" or something.
+ 1| Injury: clipped cannon.
0| Mirage actually attacked your left side, not your right. The reason I'm not docking anything for it is that it has nothing to do with what Thor does, but I figured I'd point it out to you.
- 1| Borderline powerplay: your next attack, of chasing her down, is built upon the assumption that a, she's still running, and b, that you'll catch up/that she won't stop/etc. It is always dangerous to assume something in a fight, as you can never know.
- 1| Unrealism: In a race, a draft would be outrun by a nimbler horse. Yes, a long-legged horse can take longer strides (this is why thoroughbreds are tall, I think), but with the mass of a draft they are inherently slower. They cannot reach the same speed a lither horse can, meaning that the draft will not catch up. As we can see here, despite its leg length, the clydesdale is slower. In this case Mirage also has a headstart and build-up of speed (if she intended to, which we cannot know) meaning the gap is likely to increase between them, not decrease.
+ 1| Attack: Regardless of the circumstance, a bite is a plausible attack and you described where you aimed.
+ 1| Attack: Second bite.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Basic emotional presence.

MIRAGE -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: bite to left flank.
+ 1| Defense: rerouting second bite to mane.
0 | Thor veered to the left, so to achieve what she wanted, Mirage would have to veer left, not right. The reason I'm docking for this is that it's directly involved with her next attack, as she does it to chase him, and not just reflecting on it (as Thor did previously).
Note: The reason I do not make the same "borderline powerplay" notice here is the fact that Thor, at the end of his post, wrote that he was attempting to return to his original position.
+ 1| Attack: shoulder ram.
+ 1| Attack: Flank to his side.
- 1| Attack: Stomping his cannon/coronet. That it's one of the left ones goes without saying, but is it the hind? Fore? And with Mirage being shorted in body, and shoulder-to-shoulder with Thor, I don't see how it would be to her advantage, as she'd not comfortably reach his hind ones with any force, and if it's her fore ones it's not clear enough, as you never described her moving forward and into position.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy read
+ 1| Basic emotional presence.

THOR -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: I think you handled the shoulder ram well.
- 1| Defense: veering to the left. Mirage is actually on your left, so veering left would only bring you into her, and not away from her flank.
+ 1| Injury: left hind cannon being hit again.
+ 1| Attack: crossing her path and bucking. Nice that you mention the pain in your cannon.
- 1| Confusion: what is going on? Is he going back in for another bite at Mirage? It's not clear enough for me to make sense of.
+ 1| Realism: I really like how he's trying to hide his limp, as this is something which would seem natural to me given that horses, ultimately, are prey animal and don't want to be picked out as the "weak one".

[Prose]
+ 1| Basic emotional presence.
0 | Flow: Clarified below
- 1| Ease of Read: This post was a bit more confusing to me, with not as clear a rhythm and flow. While you're starting to account for your injuries, the first paragraph had me confused as to what was going on. My initial thought was that you'd time-jumped forward to Mirage's last attack in her previous post, but then I realized you were retconning your injuries. While it's good to think of your injuries, you should not "go back" and make them worse. If you realize you've downplayed the initial damage you took, better to run with that and do the best of it then suddenly have a lot more pain. It ruins the continuinity of the fight. There were also a few unclear attacks, which helped to break the flow.

MIRAGE -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense/Injury: turning to take the blow against her right shoulder.
+ 1| Realism: unbalanced canter from the blow.
- 1| Attack: rearing to strike his shoulder. Given the fact that they are running, I'm not sure she'd have enough time to stop, rise, and strike, even less twice, before he's past. It's great that you mention trying to get a bit ahead of him, so you'll have time to rise, but I don't think the slim marginal you took would be enough. However, fantastic that you mention how its her weakened leg that is the closest to him.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Basic emotional presence.

THOR -- post 3

[Realism]
- 1| Defense: Mirage is actually going from a run to a stop, but you never mention Thor stopping. Even so, with his large size, I think he'd realistically be past her before he's rid of his momentum.
+ 1| Attack: throwing yourself against her side.
- 1| Confusion: I'm not really sure what you mean with "her wounded leg", as she has none. She's taken a bite to the left flank, and a kick to the right shoulder, which I assume is what you're hinting at. Given Thor's height it is very plausible that he'd actually hit her shoulder, but since my initial thought upon reading "..that the sudden weight upon her wounded leg..." was "hind leg", as they'd have to keep balancing her, I'm just not 100% sure... Also, be wary of wording, as you're kind of founding your next attack on the assumption that she does gasp/get distracted as you intend.
+ 1| Attack: bite towards neck.
+ 1| Attack: strike to front right cannon. Great how you mention the pain of using your bruised shoulder.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
0 | Ease of Read: Moment of confusion explained above.
+ 1| Basic emotional presence.

THOR -- post 4

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense/injury: I really love how you handle the mirage magic.
0| Injury: it's great that you take the kick, because there's not much else you can do, but you don't really describe the effects. Does it hurt? Does it leave you out of breath?
+ 1| Injury: taking the bite to the neck.
+ 1| Attack: pawing at her left leg. Be careful with wording, though! "..hoof to collide into her left foreleg" is almost a powerplay formulation, but you were saved by the "I hope I have hit" later. You could've mentioned how it hurt your left shoulder to put all your front end weight on it, though.
- 1| Borderline powerplay: "I had left her standing there, mouth surely still agape after such a vicious attack." Again, you assume that she's standing there. In this case it would've been better to just say that you went back in to attack her, and not mention something like that you "left her standing there", as you cannot really know that. Sometimes it is better to be vague, or say "I went to attack her again, and if she had moved from where she stood last I would follow".
0 | Attack: bucking towards her. This is a good attack, but it's based too much on the assumption that she's just standing there for you to run around. Also, I feel like you've really forgotten about all your injuries this post, with how you've played the left shoulder like a burning ache, and a limp in his left hind. Shouldn't it hurt to canter nimbly with those injuries? To lean upon his forehand?

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Basic emotional presence.

MIRAGE -- post 5 (defense only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense/injury: taking the pawing, but also moving her leg back to lessen the blow.
+ 1| Defense: springing forward to avoid the brunt of the kick. Good thing it wasn't her hind legs bearing her damages, so she had the power to do this. ;)

MIRAGE

[Bonus]
+ 2| Terrain: I would've expected more out of the fog, given how both of you started this, but it never came! :< Anyway, you had a few mentions here and there, but things like using the traction to stop, and the twilight to mask herself was what made me feel like you'd incorporated it enough for both points.
+ 2| Breed: you did think about height differences, strength and agility differences, etc. How she's more agile, but he stronger, how she needs to fight in order to win.

[Injuries]
0| Nothing of note.

[Creativity]
+ 1| I really enjoyed how Mirage had a clear tactic, and how you kept it up through the entire fight, or when you deviated from it, it was intentionally.

Comments: On the whole, you fought well, and you have a rather good grasp on the mechanics of battle. However, sometimes you were quite vague in your aim of an attack, so you could've done better with that. Most of the time you had a good idea on left/right mechanics, and your posts were well-written. Good job!

THOR

[Bonus]
+ 1| Terrain: you mentioned it, but you never really did anything with it.
+ 1| Breed: while you did mention the breed differences, it felt like when it came down to it, they really didn't matter. A clydesdale is a large and heavy horse, and would have a great disadvantage in speed/agility when coupled with Mirage, yet I felt like this didn't really weigh in in your posts.

[Injuries]
0| Nothing of note.

[Creativity]
+ 1| I really like when he looked for Akaith, and took strength from seeing her.

Comments: On the whole, you did well! I found that the majority of your attacks were plausible, but that it is the things around it you had a little problem with. You messed up right/left on a few occasions, and I found that you sometimes "assumed" that Mirage did something. Yes, sometimes you have to do a bit of guesswork, but then it came down to your wording, of how you for example said that you left Mirage "standing there". A suggestion is to read through your post, and see if there's something which can be taken as powerplay, and see if you can phrase it in a different manner. Keep practicing, and I'm sure you'll be able to overcome these small issues, and get a better grip on how to write all the things "around you" (terrain, injuries, etc.). You've got the makings of a good fighter, because you have this basic grasp on movement. Good work!

TOTAL
Thor - 68
Mirage - 79