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05-17-2013, 03:20 PM
 K r i | V i k r a m - - - - - By my verdict KRI is the winner. Kri earns 1 VP. KRI -- post 1 (attack only) [Realism] + 1| Attack: trying to slam into his wing joint. Just keep in mind that with the rather extreme height difference (at least 17 inches, I think?) I'm not sure she'd hit much more than the bottom of his barrel. 0| Attack: tail slap to hopefully keep his mouth away. A good idea, but since he is on your right, throwing it left wouldn't do much good. - 1| Attack: cow kick. Given that a cowkick is more out straight to the side, and the attack is described as being after Kri has tried to slide past him, meaning reaching his front end, as described, is not really possible. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. VIKRAM -- post 1 [Realism] + 1| Attack: stepping into the attack. - 1| Defense: you take the attack.. mention bruising etc.. but you don't state where it landed. + 1| Attack: putting out a hind leg to stop Kri. + 1| Attack: trying to bring his tail around to prevent her from easily coming into the air. + 1| Defense: tail to chest. - 1| Defense: I don't see how she'd hit him if she's already away-ish in the air? [Prose] 0| Emotion: this post was quite dry. You mention it in a sort.. lame way, like: "That Kri did... enthused him." But I don't feel it. Where's the enthusiasm? The pulse? The adrenaline? + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. KRI -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Defense: I think you handled the shoulder-push quite well. + 1| Defense: reasonably being out of reach of the hind leg. + 1| Defense: tucking legs and using your wings to clear the tail mostly. + 1| Attack: kicking out towards the tail. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. VIKRAM -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Defense: hooves to tail. - 2| Powerplay: "At last he grew close to her again." You can only attempt to. Given their size differences I believe Kri is faster than Vikram any day of the week, or they need to fly straight ahead for a long time for him to build up enough speed to overtake her. + 1| Attack: trying to strike her haunches. [Prose] 0| Emotion: again, it reads very dry to me. You're writing a lot from an astronaut perspective, what he does, "An ear twitched, the smallest sign of the surprise he felt" -- I want to get inside of his head. I want to feel his surprise, not be told he is it. + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. KRI -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Defense: dropping away from his strike. - 1| Attack: there's a lot of things here that don't make sense to me. First off, I understood your dodge as arcing lower, not higher, so I don't understand the transition. Secondly, you aim to strike his barrel, but the problem here is that he's got wings. Striking below them could work, if he's at an upstroke but he could just chuck them down in your head, but as you're described from coming above, you'd have to kind of... zone through his wing to get to the target? Since the membrane is attached to the back (at least it should be >.>). + 1| Attack: bite towards his nape. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. VIKRAM -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Defense: dropping away from her attack. - 1| Defense: no mention of the bite. Even if the dropping away would constitute a natural barrier, you should've mentioned it, something like "her teeth closed harmlessly on air". - 2| Powerplay: "He was below and to the left of Kri." This should've been, "He ought to be below and to the left of Kri unless she moved from her previous path" or something. - 1| Attack: trying to collide with her from from below. You don't state how, where. + 1| Attack: fire towards her tail. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. This post was a lot better! I felt like it was seen more from Vikram's perspective than an outsider's. + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. KRI -- post 4 [Realism] + 1| Defense: flying up to avoid him. + 1| Experience: using past experience, Azzaron in this case, to react to the fire. + 1| Attack: blasting the air out to try and return some fire to Vikram's face. + 1| Attack: kicking out. - 1| Defense: using a decreased air pressure. It'd be a very rapid decompression, and I don't feel like you treat the negative effects deeply enough. For example if she doesn't have her airways open her lungs would risk rupturing, and very quickly the nitrogen would come out in her joints (or bloodstream in other places, but joints is most common). Mucous membranes bared to the air would dry up rapidly, or even "boil". Otherwise, it would work, as there's little to no oxygen in a very low pressure area, and the fire would just disintegrate anyway. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. VIKRAM -- post 4 [Realism] + 1| Defense: Kind of backpedaling away. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Easy read. + 1| Flow. KRI -- post 5 (defense only) [Realism] 0| Nothing of note. KRI [Bonus] + 2| Breed. + 2| Surroundings. [Injuries] 0| Nothing of note. [Creativity] 0| Nothing of note. Comments: Good fight on the whole! You know what you're doing most of the time, just keep wings in mind! And as for Kri's air magic, keep in mind that a rapid decompression is very nasty. NASA had some handy information on humans in outer space, and you can always research "the Bends" (diver's sickness) or decompression sickness, which is the airplane variant of it. Otherwise, nothing wrong! Keep up the good work. VIKRAM [Bonus] + 2| Breed. [Injuries] 0| Nothing of note. [Creativity] 0| Nothing of note. Comments: On the whole, well done! The emotion portions got better towards the end. Try to think about how you word things, as you had two incidents of "deciding" where your opponent was, when you can only assume/use their last position as a means of direction. So just polish the edges, and try to use your surroundings more! TOTAL Kri - 75 Vikram - 63  |
