| Administrator |
| Stallion :: Equine :: :: |
| Official |
02-20-2013, 02:59 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-20-2013, 02:59 PM by Official.)
K r i | A z z a r o n
- - - - -
By my verdict KRI is the winner.
Kri has been awarded one VP. She retains her position as Leader and may decide Azzaron's fate in the Throat herd.
KRI -- post 1 (attack only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: air strike towards barrel.
+ 1| Attack: bite in passing.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Flow.
0| Ease of read: This was great, actually, until the last paragraph. You start the attack, "..quick and straight downward, an arrow for his back.." and then you write more, and then you come to: "Some twenty feet from the air, my wings fly out horizontally, tilting me more sideways.." etc, which had me quite confused for a while, as I was not sure if you had made the attack? A second round? When you speak of becoming parallel with the ground I started assuming you were going to land, but then it turned out you were just completing the attack, but it did have me quite confused for a while.
AZZARON -- post 1
[Realism]
- 1| Defense: snapping to the left would just bring her down on your back, as she was already aiming to your left. You'd place yourself more directly below her. Also, "scrape down my neck slightly" is a very vague description. Does it hurt? Does it bruise? Does it scrape off the skin, as hooves sometimes do? Does it restrict you in any way, does it make it harder for you to turn your head? The neck is a large area, and I feel that you take the damage in a very unspecific way. Also, did you only rear in watching her come in, or are you still rearing when she hits? That would put you in a very unbalanced state, and probably knock you over from sheer force. Remember, if you say you do something (eg. rear), you must also state clearly when you stop rearing.
- 1| Defense: bitten ear. I think that relocating it to the ear is a bad move in this case, as ears are very sensitive (less so than the neck), and you mention nothing but a little bit of bleeding. Does it not hurt? Wouldn't it be a good reaction to clamp it to your neck, to keep it from being hurt again? Does some little piece of it come loose?
- 1| Attack: bite towards the eye. This is a good kind of attack, but there are multiple issues with it. Usually, a "blow" would be considered coming from a hoof, and not the teeth, which is just a minor terminology issue, however given the lack of specification aside from "white teeth bared" it could be misinterpreted. Then there's the issue of where you aim. Left eye? Right eye? And then, the biggest issue: is Azzaron just standing there, somehow with Kri's head magically in reach? Given the way she's coming down (I have not read ahead, so I do not know what she'll do), she'll probably have a lot of momentum to run off, if she goes down on the ground at all, but you do not even mention "trying to get close to her so I could bite her eye" or something. Again, a great attack, but the circumstances are just all wrong.
- 1| Borderline powerplay. Here's the problem with wanting to deal a lot of damage, and your opponent ending a tricky position, and not knowing where they are, thus creating a borderline powerplay situation. You're assuming that Kri is on the ground, which could be entirely incorrect.
0| Attack: pawing at her. Even if the fact that you're assuming Kri is standing still had not been an issue, this attack is not specific enough. "Fack, neck or shoulder" is a very broad area, nor do you specify left or right, or in which way you are facing her. Perpendicular? Head on? Great that you think to defend your own belly though, that's the reason this is just 0. :)
+ 1| Attack: bucking at her. The only reason you get the +1 for this is that the left/right/positioning issue was a fault of your previous attack, and not this one, as it would've been pretty obvious which side/general area you were kicking at.. if you'd stated it to begin with.
[Prose]
+ 1| Ease of read.
0| Flow: this post had very choppy sentences, with no smooth transitions.
+ 1| Emotion, but I was on the verge of considering it too "dry" for it. However, I think I feel something.
KRI -- post 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: wing towards face.
0| Defense: from what I gather, if you slap him with your right wing, you're passing on his left side. This means that if you tuck your head to the right, you'll only bring it closer to his teeth. Great that you relocate it to your shoulder, though, and that's the reason for the 0.. though you could've mentioned some pain.
0| Attack: kick towards face. I assume that it's her right hindleg kicking, but it should've been mentioned.
+ 1| Defense: not landing to be pawed at.
+ 1| Defense: not landing to be kicked.
- 1| Attack: trying to push him over, hooves to his hip. Great attack given the circumstances, but if I trace Kri's written path, she's facing the same direction as before, as she just arced back in a circle. When Azzaron kicks, he specifically mentions turning around, which means that Kri is actually approaching from his front. Nor am I quite sure you actually have enough time to arc back and go at him again before he's done charging and bucking, because I believe it'd take a shorter time for him to finish that, than it would for Kri to flip back through the air. I'm not quite sure on how close you intended to be, but a buck is a lot swifter than often portrayed in text, as seen here. Within the space of 1 second, the white pony has done one one-leg kick and full buck towards the brown. I think that your attack is stretching the time unrealistically.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Flow.
0| Ease of read: I actually find that in this post too, you chop some of your moves up a bit too much for me to follow clearly. " I slam down with my right wing toward his moving face.." and then there's a great deal many sentences of being bitten, etc, and then you mention it again, " I throw the chocolate limb with..." which kind of skewers the timeline. It would've been better to say, "I hoped I had thrown...", it would make it flow better and not be like jumping between the times. Same with this, "I do not return to the earth, nor do I stop. With just a slim drag on my momentum as my grey hooves skirt across the surface of the stallion's neck, I move forward, my wings driving forward..." which is like going back to before the entire previous paragraph with the hooves + neck time reference, instead of just continuing where you left off.
AZZARON -- post 2
[Realism]
- 1| Defense: I am very doubtful Azzaron has enough time to dodge Kri's wing, given the fact that he just bit her shoulder, and that she is using the Swift buff. Even so, I don't see how being hit by a wing could "nick" Azzaron's skin. And, where does it hit? Head? Neck?
- 1| Defense: I think your dodge of Kri's kick was very under-explained, and I do not really understand how it happened.
- 1| Defense: There's a certain rhythm to fights. Attack, counter-attack. You had already committed to a charge and a buck in your previous post, which means that they still stand, regardless of what Kri does. What Kri does, is a counter-attack of your attack. Which means that your attempt to change your buck to something else is breaking the fight mechanics, regardless of my opinion of the time frame. Given the fact that Azzaron would be in the middle of a buck, that he'd be able to slide to the side so easily is extremely unrealistic. Besides, he is standing still, meaning it'll take even longer for him to actually move.
- 1| Attack: bite to the face. Although the whole "which side?" applies to this as well, my biggest issue is that you first say, "In an instant I slip towards the side, watching as Kri flew by." and then, "I tried yet again to bite her face.". How can you bite her face if she has already flown past? And if you'd tried even before she was past, you definitely would've got her wing in your head or something. ;)
- 2| Powerplay: "Her chocolate figure is there, but I'm behind her where she cannot see me. (..) Once I was upon her..." You cannot decide whether or not Kri sees you, nor can you decide that you actually catch up with her. You can only attempt to catch up with her. Also, as a note, first you stated, ".. and I curve back to face Kri..", which gives me the impression she's behind of you, and then suddenly you are behind of her.
+ 1| Attack: hooves towards Kri's back.
[Prose]
0| Emotion: this post is pretty mechanical, and it makes it dry. The "I" perspective easily fools me into thinking there is emotion, but upon looking closer, it doesn't go beyond stating "I'm angry", never describing the feeling of his emotions.
0| Flow: again, your sentences are rather choppy.
+ 1| Ease of read.
KRI -- post 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: flying past his bite.
- 1| Defense: While I think this is a truly unique defense, and very clever, I feel as if the motion she does would effectively put her vertical in the air. If she'd use her wings as brakes, she'd turn the broad into the airflow and brake the fore half of her body. meaning that momentum would probably swing her hind end forward, making her head go up. So I feel like with the timing, she'd really be getting his (hind?) hooves or legs or something in her head. In flight, you rotate around your center of gravity, which I assume would be the chest area of a horse, and as there is no friction to stop her hind legs she'd rotate around the chest, and at the other end of that is that she'd be bringing her head up.
+ 1| Attack: dropping down towards Azzaron's neck.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Ease of read. This post was paced a lot better time-wise.
AZZARON -- post 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: magic.
- 1| Defense: one does not simply "fling" themselves through the air. You have nothing to push off, and with how vague you already are in regards to how you're positioned in the air ("I speed up, angling my wings so I began to shoot towards the sky." implies that you're climbing rapidly), it's not just realistic to dart to the side like that. Azzaron is a lot larger than Kri, and this means that his turning radius is bigger, and the force he needs to generate in order to move greater, as he's got a bigger mass to haul around. With the speed of Kri being almost at a freefall, I don't see how he can just escape without even being hit by her wings, because the way you have written it it does not make sense for him to avoid it.
0| Attack: hooves towards ribs. Which side?
0| Attack: biting eye. Which side? And as a note, there is no "reeling backwards" either, as birds generally do not fly backwards. Even if Azzaron can (not sure what the policy is on this), he'd first need to brake his forward momentum, and then reverse. Flying backwards would be a lot slower, due to wings not being made for it.
[Prose]
0| Emotion: again, "I am angry", but nothing which makes me feel the anger. Use language to describe it! Make me get angry, too!
0| Flow, the style is still choppy.
+ 1| Ease of read.
KRI -- post 4
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: great way to fight down the magic. 30 seconds, which it lasts, is a long time, but as Azzaron did not specify how long he kept waiting for Kri to fall out of the sky, I guess that's okay.
+ 1| Defense: rising up to avoid his hooves, glancing blow.
- 1| Defense: no mention of his attempted bite?
+ 1| Attack: kicking out towards his back in passing.
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Ease of read.
AZZARON -- post 4
[Realism]
- 1| Attack sequence: I have no idea what you are doing here. Repeating your previous attack? It looks like it, but then you throw in another movement. In terms of fight mechanics, this is, again, an attack you have already committed to (unless I misunderstand it entirely), yet to try to alter it. This does not work. Even so, you can't just "whip around" in the air either, like you can in water. Air has minimal friction, and if you're going forward in a rush, as you describe, you can't easily reverse your motion. If anything, you'd just barrel into Kri unless she moved.
+ 1| Injury: taking the kick to his back.
- 1| Attack: slap towards her. Wing slap? Where to? I don't understand. Technically you've passed beneath her. Where are you now? And again, a horse flying backwards would be extremely slow, and it would be very tiring, and not bring you out of range quickly.
- 2| Powerplay: "I'm in her blind spot, and I glance down, seeing the shadows." You cannot decide this. All Kri would need to see Azzaron would be to move her head slightly.
- 1| Attack: trying to scrape his hooves along her. Your attack would only make sense if Kri was in a dive, as if you're falling like this, you have no chance to stop your momentum to suddenly fly across her back, as you have not mentioned leveling out.
0| Attack: kick towards the head. A good attack, but it makes no sense at all given that he'd realistically not be near her head.
+ 1| Attack: magic.
[Prose]
0| Emotion: this post was just confusing. One moment Azzaron describes himself as angry, and in the next, "happy", yet I felt neither.
+ 1| Flow. This post was not as choppy as the others.
+ 1| Ease of read.
KRI -- post 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: bite to shoulder. Originally you missed this, but as Azzaron for some reason repeated/added to his attack, which makes no sense, this makes no sense either, but because it wasn't a fault on your part the second time around you'll get the point for it. Nor will I take off for ignoring the kick, because it was a breach of fight mechanics to begin with.
+ 1| Defense: arcing away. With her smaller size, as well as Swift buff and preparing for the movement, I believe it's plausible she escape his dive, as a dive is hard change the aim of once you're committed. The difference between this dodge and Azzaron's similar one is that this one was planned, and executed in a way that makes sense in the air, with it being described as an arc to the side, and not just "flinging" sideways.
+ 1| Defense: using magic and altitude to battle the effect of Azzaron's magic.
KRI
[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed: you consider their differences, use the adjectives, very aware of your own size, wondering if your misses are because of your short legs etc.
+ 2| Surroundings: the air, using altitude to grow colder, the sun on your back.
[Injuries]
0| Nothing of note.
[Creativity]
+ 1| Sentence: "I must prevail. I have no option but to raise my sword once more, fighting valiantly until I make his feathered arse say uncle. I am stubborn. I am willful. I am strong. I am resolute."
+ 1| Tactic: using the shadows cast by the sun to see his location.
Comments: Good fight! I think you did well, given that you were often given very vague attacks to react to. Kri's emotional presence is wonderful, and she cracks me up frequently. You had no real problems, the only things I reacted to were a few attacks/defenses where I thought it didn't really fit situationally, and the first two posts in which I felt you placed some things a little oddly prose-wise, though that got a lot better in the rest. On the whole, you have a good grasp on how to behave in the air, though sometimes it can't hurt to think things through one more time and consider all forces working on you. Keep up the good work!
AZZARON
[Bonus]
+ 2| Surroundings: the sun heating you up, casting shadows, etc.
- 2| Godmoding: excessive and unrealistic dodging.
[Injuries]
0| Nothing of note.
[Creativity]
0| Nothing of note.
Comments: You had fairly recurring problems throughout this fight. Vague descriptions lacking details on positioning (how you moved to where you are, how you face your opponent, which side you are on), a disregard of the other player's free will (multiple incidents of powerplay, assuming it moves in a way), excessive dodging, not acknowledging injuries or describing them properly, and not a good grasp on aerial movement, or how a body in flight would realistically behave. I suggest you take more time in writing each battle post, try to sit down and visualize what you are wanting to achieve, and then blank your mind and read the post. Does it achieve this? Does it detail how you move, to where, how you attack or defend? Does it seem plausible, within the time frame given, and how the other has moved?
You also need to consider fight mechanics, and I suggest that you back down to one new attack per post, meaning you'll react (defend or counter) to your opponent's move, and then make one attack of your own. This might give you a firmer grip on the mechanics of a fight. You can actually see that Kri largely did only one attack per post.
Keep practicing! If you want to get better, I suggest asking for someone to do teaching spars with you.
TOTAL
Kri - 76
Azzaron - 45
|
 |
Image Credit: dirkjankraan @ Flickr
|
.svg/2000px-Google_Chrome_icon_(2011).svg.png){kind=icon}
⇒
[COMPLETE] fight the flames if you dare [Kri challenge]
