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OOC Commentary:
My apologies for taking so long. D:
I liked the way you strove to meet my challenge. I thought it was clever to continue assaulting the same side – after all, if you bludgeon one side enough, its quite difficult to use it.
Faelene’s motivations/emotions still ring loud and clear. Truthfully, she may not have it as rough as our dear General, who, for the most part, has to contain all his warlike impulses. I enjoyed the way you showed that she isn’t a creature of hate and doesn’t need that incentive or inspiration to continue the spar. Both of these characters are still comrades, and while she doesn’t view him as a weak foe, she’s still wary and cautious. Too easily herd mates may actually be sucked into some need for dominance over the other in spars, and she doesn’t do that. You don’t ever deviate from her character.
Some sentences left me a little confused, and I had to reread them several times to, hopefully, decipher their true meaning.
So as her front hooves fall, the right clips off the side of the hard hoof wall, sliding into the thick grass. - I wasn’t sure whose hoof wall this was. I’m assuming it was Faelene’s, and didn’t count it as powerplaying or another attempt at an attack. Pay very close attention to how you word things and make sure you always have a possessive. If you had said it was coming at “her hoof wall”, I would have figured out that she had clipped her own hooves a lot quicker. I also didn’t know which hoof was clipping off of which (don’t forget those directions!). While that may not be information I deem necessary, it’s certainly something the judges will want to know if they’re counting up whose injured where.
There was no sudden relief, Faelene already knows his snaking muzzle is coming, and instinctively she cast her right leg back up to shield off the own draw of his teeth. She failed, and felt the sudden sting, the nasty, needle piercing of his incisors. Short squeal burst from her lips, and she didn't hesitate to pull her knee higher, her hoof uncurling and launching she hopes at his forearm. She then reaches down with her mouth for a taste of his neck again if it would be in reach. I don’t know if I would have used the same defensive strategy. Instead of drawing her leg up, you could have simplified it by cutting towards the opposite direction (left), and thereby possibly lessening the damage. I can see why you would want to use it to your advantage with your next attack – when she strikes out at him with the same leg – but if she’s already been hurt on that limb, she may not be able to use it as effectively. How does she draw it as high, if she was just injured on it?
Now that you’re in your final post, be sure to include the following:
- Defenses, and only defenses. Don’t bother unleashing new attacks because nothing will come out of them. :)
- Reflect on her injuries. This can be an opportunity to remark on any pain she feels, making the post more realistic. Something’s bound to be smarting. ;D
Thank you so much for your patience, helping me practice, and being willing to take advice. I’m excited to see Faelene use her magic. :D