F a e l e n e | D e i m o s
- - - - -
By my verdict DEIMOS is the winner.
Deimos has been awarded 2 VP and has unlocked the Battle Buff ENDURE.

FAELENE -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Horn slash to the left side of Deimos's ribcage.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: The second half was a little dry, but overall there was basic emotional presence.
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Flow

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DEIMOS -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Moving front end right to avoid the slash to the ribcage, redirecting it to the meatier haunch.
+ 1| Attack: Kicking toward the left side.
- 1| Attack: Biting at the left haunch. I do not think Faelene would still be within reach of Deimos at this point. He would have to stop, kick, land, and swerve around to bite at her, where Faelene is assumed to still be running at this point.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: I was on the fence, but considering Deimos is as emotional as a stack of bricks as a character, I think showing determination and consideration for an ally is good enough.
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Flow

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FAELENE -- post 2

[Realism]
- 1| Defense: How you reposition Deimos's kick is not clearly stated. While I find an evasion easy enough here, you simply mention running. Kicks are fast, Deimos had already turned, so this would probably have landed on a barrel unless Faelene is doing something you don't state here.
+ 1| Defense: Turning to get out of the range of Deimos.
+ 1| Attack: Half rear toward Deimos's left front leg.
0 | Attack: Biting toward the left cheek/neck. If you do not have a clear aim, justify why there would be no clear aim. Just aiming for a cheek is fine, unles there is movement making it complicated. "I aim for his cheek, but should he move his head, maybe it would fall closer to his neck." See? You do not punch out at someone aiming for two different places.

[Prose]
0 | Easy Read: "Quickly as he turned, she did the same,getting away from his attempted bite, but turning in the opposite direction. With black legs bending beneath her, she did a roll back to meet him sooner." -- This was very confusing to read. Why are you saying "opposite direction" when you can just dictate left or right and not confuse the reader? Also, roll backs are a special handling move that a reader may or may not be familiar with, and had I not already looked this up because of its use in a previous battle, I would not have known what she was doing. Just describe as simply as possible your movements.
0 | Flow: The top half was really disconnected from the fight and more rambling than providing anything to this post. I expect those in introductions, but this is in the middle of the fight!
+ 1| Emotion

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DEIMOS -- post 2

[Realism]
0 | Defense: Moving inward toward Faelene's attack. This is good because it would minimize damage, but you fail to mention the amount of damage actually done. Legs are areas where wounds should be very clearly dictated, as they are so crucial for equines.
+ 1| Attack: Throwing his shoulder up toward her during her rear.
+ 1| Defense: Lowering his head to avoid the main blow of her bite.
+ 1| Attack: Biting toward Faelene's right knee and shoulder. This had the same problem as Faelene's bite. The reason I did not count off for the double aim like Faelene is because you stated "biting and nipping". Still, I think you should be more clear on how many attacks next time because I was originally going to dock you points.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy Read

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FAELENE -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Falling forward to avoid falling over from Deimos's shove.
0 | Defense: Lifting the knee to try to block the attack. I do not think this is a very wise idea, and you also fail to direct how and why this is a potential block for an attack.
- 1| Injury: You do not state where his attack lands or how severe the damage is.
0 | Attack: Kicking her front leg toward his forearm. You fail to mention which side. It could be the left or the inner-side of the right forearm, so you should have mentioned your intended target.
+ 1| Attack: Biting at his neck.

[Prose]
0 | Easy Read: "So as her front hooves fall, the right clips off the side of the hard hoof wall..." I know what the hoof wall is, but... I was confused. Is her right hitting the hoof wall of her left hoof or Deimos? You do not clearly dictate this, so I leaned on the side of not powerplaying. There was also the issue of not directly stating where his attack lands that lead me to further confusion. Try to be more explicit; you had plenty of words remaining - use them!
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Emotion

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DEIMOS -- post 3

[Realism]
0 | Injury: Scrape to the left foreleg. You do not detail enough about this injury, and I was unclear on just how bad of a wound it is. Again, the legs should be given extra attention as they are delicate areas of a horse.
+ 1| Defense: Swinging his neck out of the way of her bite.
+ 1| Attack: Using Deimos's death magic.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
0 | Flow: the way you set up the response to Faelene's attacks was scattered and hard to follow in the perspective of the fight. It was overall well written, but I had to stop and sort out which descriptions of scraping went with the last round of attacks and this one. Try not to separate consecutive attacks by a paragraph of semi-relevant details.
+ 1| Easy Read

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FAELENE -- Defense Only

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Shield of light to prevent severe effects from Deimos's magic.

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FAELENE

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed comparison: Not actually used in battle, but mentioned often.
+ 1| Surroundings: You mention her feet slipping on the wet ground and the dying sunlight a couple of times, but not used in battle at all.

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
Nothing of note.

Comments: You fought well! Mechanics wise, I think you really grasp the basics and do not do anything that makes me think... "horses don't bend that way”, so that is always a good thing. However, I would say details, details, details. You lost a lot of points just not being descriptive enough! Always mention sides and how much damage you take. Do not be afraid of being overly explicit. It is better to kill your judge with details (well, maybe not that many details) than leave them confused. Keep up the good work!

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DEIMOS

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed comparison: Not used in battle, but mentioned often.

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
Nothing of note.

Comments: I really, really enjoyed reading Deimos in this fight. I think you stretched his emotionless personality to make him relatable and interesting to read. I do not think you went out of his character, but you gave him some motivations that would not show outwardly, and as a reader I really appreciated it. I think you have great mechanics, but you also lacked some details at certain points. Excellent fight!

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TOTAL
Faelene - 61
Deimos - 65