.svg/2000px-Google_Chrome_icon_(2011).svg.png){kind=icon}
05-27-2013, 05:25 PM
I wonder what sound she will make as she breaks. Perhaps the sound would be like the dry crack of the branches under his frosted hooves? Or would it carry a certain wetness to it, a bloody thud as her flesh groaned and hit the unyielding floor? Darkness clouded his mind, the feral thirst for blood his only guide; of course, dreams are always larger — better — than the mundane reality.
She wasn't about to fall now.
His question would remain unanswered a little longer.
That his horn touched nothing was not even a disappointment; he had expected her to avoid it, would've thought less of her if she hadn't. That she moved away.. well, in all honesty, he hadn't expected her to be a sitting target, but some part of him still seethed in frustration that he wasn't able to bowl her over and trample her at the first try. Still, his knee knocked against her bony shoulder, but with her already moving away, it was a useless thing. There was no satisfaction in the ache spreading in his kneecap, no fulfillment in the impact; his knees straightened out, hooves back on the cluttered ground. All he'd got from their first clash was a dull throb, and seeing her stumble backwards was a hollow pleasure when he had wanted to achieve so much more.
The soft earth cushioned his steps, but he spared no sliver of soul on gratefulness. Instead, he leaned right, the rhythmic three-beat thuds of his gait carrying him away while she still recovered. In the pallid light of moon he felt very much like the big bad wolf, and she the spindly girl in the red hood; she seemed eager to entertain him, but how would their story end?
I know what end I would like.
Frigid and graceful Mauja slowed after a moment, wariness etched along the darkened planes of his face; she had recovered from the impact of their bodies, her smaller frame powering heedlessly across the ground as his own nearly slowed to a stop, frosted hooves dancing lightly upon the debris. She was so eager to dance with him, coming back to him as if she longed for his embrace after moments of cold separation... A smirk spread across his face, the thunder of his heart a song in his ears; he wanted her to come closer, too.. kiss her neck and leave stains of red, dance with her until he'd drawn every vestige of energy from her and leave her nothing but an empty, broken husk.
She was a graceful creature, he would not deny that, but grace was no reason for him to let himself be slaughtered. His brief wait for the right moment, when her glass horn would be close enough, was over before it had barely begun. Some invisible cue, an instinct honed by a life of fighting, triggered his movement; his hips curled right while his left shoulder jutted out, pivoting on his forehand to bring them parallel again. Sacrifice, for the victory — the sharp tip of her horn went into the white skin, running along the flat plane of his shoulder and leaving a stinging trail of red in its wake as it slid off the point of his curved body. At the same time, Mauja lowered his head to the left, aiming his sturdier horn towards her moving body; his right hind hoof skidded in under his belly, and mustering what power he could against the awkward surface of a root he pushed forward, wanting to spear her between the ribs, or just behind them.
[ 2/3 :: 600 words. ]
Aaaand action! (I'm going in-depth here! xD)
I am very much enjoying Seele's voices - they add a kind of narrative, and I think they can become a very powerful tool for setting the mood. But, as with all prose, just make sure it doesn't "take over" or break up the flow of the fight (it isn't in this post! but it can happen if you don't watch it).
The first "situation":
"Aiming slightly to his own right, Mauja swung his large head, first out to the right, and then in towards the left, feinting the icy tip of his horn towards her left eye to keep her glass weapon away. He had no desire to speared so early on in their scuffle, and once his cheek was past hers — if she did not do take off or otherwise mess up his plans — he bunched up his hind legs underneath him to the sickening crunch of a breaking branch, and pushed off with his front knees like battering rams going for her chest and throat. "
"So close to my eyes I had a slight panicked moment. Dropping my head so the horn didn't snag any of the important features placed upon it. And then, I began to stagger out of the way, feet tripping a little over the roots underfoot. Keep moving! To the right! Go to the right! Tenor chords vibrated in my head as I forced my eyes open and continued to stumble to the right. I caught sight of his body moving toward my chest and I collected my position, his right knee slamming into my left shoulder as I stumbled back a few steps with a low growl."
On the whole, there's two "things" with this. The most obvious is the hit, right knee + left shoulder. Staggering sideways is a great response to avoid Mauja's attack, and would definitely make him hit only with one knee - however, it ought to have been his left. Since they are parallel and facing opposite directions, their left sides would be against one another. Because of this, the logical thing would have been for his left knee to hit her shoulder.
The other thing that caught my attention is minor, but has to do with the pacing/time frame of fights. At the point of Mauja's feint he would logically be only a short stride away, as it requires their heads being more or less beside each other. "And then, I began to stagger out of the way, feet tripping a little over the roots underfoot. Keep moving! To the right! Go to the right! Tenor chords vibrated in my head as I forced my eyes open and continued to stumble to the right. I caught sight of his body moving toward my chest.." seems to stretch this short moment on for too long. A better way to organize the paragraph would've been something like:
- Starting to stagger right
- Ducking head
- Getting hit
This would keep all steps of your paragraph, without stretching the moment out. It's really just reorganizing it!
But, trying to sidestep is definitely a great way to deal with the attack, and I probably would've done the same!
Your attack:
".. his right knee slamming into my left shoulder as I stumbled back a few steps with a low growl. One step to stabilize myself. One step to start to move forward. Then, catapulting forward, in one swift movement I aimed my horn toward the muscle in this stag's shoulder, perfect level for my height at the moment. (..) He was so proud that I had managed to get out just enough to not be tackled, yet close enough I could easily come back at him."
Mauja came in at a canter, and a canter stride is approx. 9-12 feet in length (according to google x[). Stumbling back a few steps is a slower business for a horse with four legs than a human with two, and then two steps are further mentioned before the attack commences. By this time, as nothing tripped Mauja up, it seems realistic he is somewhere around two strides away, and I admit, I was mean and ran off to the right to foil your attack. D:
So, I do not think Mauja and Seele would still be that close. Even if Mauja had continued straight ahead, the length of his stride versus Seele's stumble would probably have them lined up at the hip, or Mauja past her. It almost seems like Mauja stopped moving in your head, remaining in the position of his strike. Unless you strike back instantly, like sticking out a hind leg to catch Mauja's and hit him/trip him, you can't really assume they're anywhere, doing anything. So each time you let distance happen between them, you kinda have to "reset" all you knew of their position/gait, and just hurdle out into the unknown - almost like making the "first attack" all over.
Prose-wise, there's nothing I reacted to as being bad/wrong. :3 Maybe you could've broken apart the last, big paragraph into two, to make it a bit easier to grasp as a whole, but there is certainly noting wrong with it as it is! ^^ The voices carry it along nicely.
So far, you are doing good! You had a very sound reaction to my attack, but the dynamic/pacing of the fight threw your own a little off-kilter. So try to keep the movement in mind! It's a hard balance to find, as you can't really assume I do anything, but neither can you assume I don't; you learn how to phrase things after a while to make it make sense while not sounding declarative of your opponent's positioning/actions. :)
And always double-check your left's and right's! They're easy to mess up, and I sometimes mess them up hardcore myself x_x; (fortunately mostly when I do verdicts.. and as you only see the final one, you never see my confusion. ;D)
I'm looking forward to what you'll throw at me the next round!
If you have any questions about what I ramble about, just let me know. xP
I am very much enjoying Seele's voices - they add a kind of narrative, and I think they can become a very powerful tool for setting the mood. But, as with all prose, just make sure it doesn't "take over" or break up the flow of the fight (it isn't in this post! but it can happen if you don't watch it).
The first "situation":
"Aiming slightly to his own right, Mauja swung his large head, first out to the right, and then in towards the left, feinting the icy tip of his horn towards her left eye to keep her glass weapon away. He had no desire to speared so early on in their scuffle, and once his cheek was past hers — if she did not do take off or otherwise mess up his plans — he bunched up his hind legs underneath him to the sickening crunch of a breaking branch, and pushed off with his front knees like battering rams going for her chest and throat. "
"So close to my eyes I had a slight panicked moment. Dropping my head so the horn didn't snag any of the important features placed upon it. And then, I began to stagger out of the way, feet tripping a little over the roots underfoot. Keep moving! To the right! Go to the right! Tenor chords vibrated in my head as I forced my eyes open and continued to stumble to the right. I caught sight of his body moving toward my chest and I collected my position, his right knee slamming into my left shoulder as I stumbled back a few steps with a low growl."
On the whole, there's two "things" with this. The most obvious is the hit, right knee + left shoulder. Staggering sideways is a great response to avoid Mauja's attack, and would definitely make him hit only with one knee - however, it ought to have been his left. Since they are parallel and facing opposite directions, their left sides would be against one another. Because of this, the logical thing would have been for his left knee to hit her shoulder.
The other thing that caught my attention is minor, but has to do with the pacing/time frame of fights. At the point of Mauja's feint he would logically be only a short stride away, as it requires their heads being more or less beside each other. "And then, I began to stagger out of the way, feet tripping a little over the roots underfoot. Keep moving! To the right! Go to the right! Tenor chords vibrated in my head as I forced my eyes open and continued to stumble to the right. I caught sight of his body moving toward my chest.." seems to stretch this short moment on for too long. A better way to organize the paragraph would've been something like:
- Starting to stagger right
- Ducking head
- Getting hit
This would keep all steps of your paragraph, without stretching the moment out. It's really just reorganizing it!
But, trying to sidestep is definitely a great way to deal with the attack, and I probably would've done the same!
Your attack:
".. his right knee slamming into my left shoulder as I stumbled back a few steps with a low growl. One step to stabilize myself. One step to start to move forward. Then, catapulting forward, in one swift movement I aimed my horn toward the muscle in this stag's shoulder, perfect level for my height at the moment. (..) He was so proud that I had managed to get out just enough to not be tackled, yet close enough I could easily come back at him."
Mauja came in at a canter, and a canter stride is approx. 9-12 feet in length (according to google x[). Stumbling back a few steps is a slower business for a horse with four legs than a human with two, and then two steps are further mentioned before the attack commences. By this time, as nothing tripped Mauja up, it seems realistic he is somewhere around two strides away, and I admit, I was mean and ran off to the right to foil your attack. D:
So, I do not think Mauja and Seele would still be that close. Even if Mauja had continued straight ahead, the length of his stride versus Seele's stumble would probably have them lined up at the hip, or Mauja past her. It almost seems like Mauja stopped moving in your head, remaining in the position of his strike. Unless you strike back instantly, like sticking out a hind leg to catch Mauja's and hit him/trip him, you can't really assume they're anywhere, doing anything. So each time you let distance happen between them, you kinda have to "reset" all you knew of their position/gait, and just hurdle out into the unknown - almost like making the "first attack" all over.
Prose-wise, there's nothing I reacted to as being bad/wrong. :3 Maybe you could've broken apart the last, big paragraph into two, to make it a bit easier to grasp as a whole, but there is certainly noting wrong with it as it is! ^^ The voices carry it along nicely.
So far, you are doing good! You had a very sound reaction to my attack, but the dynamic/pacing of the fight threw your own a little off-kilter. So try to keep the movement in mind! It's a hard balance to find, as you can't really assume I do anything, but neither can you assume I don't; you learn how to phrase things after a while to make it make sense while not sounding declarative of your opponent's positioning/actions. :)
And always double-check your left's and right's! They're easy to mess up, and I sometimes mess them up hardcore myself x_x; (fortunately mostly when I do verdicts.. and as you only see the final one, you never see my confusion. ;D)
I'm looking forward to what you'll throw at me the next round!
If you have any questions about what I ramble about, just let me know. xP
