There was not enough cold in the world to kill the fire sparked within my breast.

Dark hooves carried me away, north, towards cold, towards something that might quell my increasingly incensed mind. Within me, a storm of white heat raged. Passion. Fury. Fire. Embers shifted, blown, ignited; the gentle, constant coals that sat at the base of my soul piled high with fuel, until at last they could not but catch fire and burn, burn, burn in a frenzied blaze that threatened to destroy the carefully constructed calm I so easily donned. It rested gently upon my shoulders, my shroud of halcyon, a comfortable cloak of shade and cool. My shield. My disguise. I stood ensconced behind the facade of indifference, letting the outside world see little more than a glimmer of refracted emotion allowed to escape through narrow fissures, uninvited and unmonitored.

Yet there were times when a the outside world would perforate my carefully maintained demeanor. A crack became a tear, and a tear evolved into a gaping hole, a cruel laceration from which raw, sickly emotion bubbled and welled, seeping into the world like a viscous poison, slowly threatening to overtake me, to weave its venom into my words, drag its claws through my mind and ride cackling upon my thoughts. Visceral, vengeful, inconsiderate, it would begin as an itch I could not scratch, a pricking at the base of my cerebral cortex, a spasm of the shoulder I could not subdue.

The force of my movements was telling, the arcs imprinted by thunderous hooves into dry and dusty earth too deep, too staunch against a backdrop of dried grasses and musty stone. Each beat upon the earth propelled me forward, further and further, fast and ignorant of surroundings, of followers, of day or night. Only the ardent press of welling emotion against the back of my skull directed me, the desire- nay, the need for release guiding me like the strings of a marionette. And oh, how I loathed it, the controlling grip of a diseased mind, the poignant medley of sorrow and disgust, of doubt and desire, of rejection and want.

Motions are shaky, spindly legs skid to a stop; at last, I found myself on ground that would not balance me, treacherous ice atop exposed stone, grooves and ruts snaking across its crystalline surface, wells of chilled, stagnant water resting within flawed claws of dirty ice. Lungs expanded, contracted, pulling painfully at my ribcage as though seeking to mangle the delicate musculature which held my body in place. Quivers shook the sinewy frame as wind would a tree. Exhaustion clawed at my body, while energy worked to breach the carefully constructed beams of sanity that still held my mind in place.

A few more steps; they were all I needed. A touch more control, a dash of restraint, and I would find myself beneath the frozen arch. Just a little more. Just a little closer.

The sudden change in temperature buffeted me, crisp and frozen air as welcome as my mother's embrace would have been, my father's blazing affection. Voraer. Anei. Damn it, why did I think of them? Induced by the memory of my deceased parents, the remnants of my calm began to crumble. Frantic, needy, I clung to the fragments of my cloak, willing myself to relax, to reign in the impending onslaught, the self-inflicted torment. I suffered, I fought, and there was nobody who knew, nobody who saw. A fierce battle raged behind onyx eyes, and the tears won, and suddenly they were there, the deluge of saline that could not be stopped. All I had, now, was time.

Defeated, I felt my knees give. Mass shifted against the glacial wall, dislodging small icicles and absorbing deliquesced crystal like a chill blanket. The shock of the ice upon my belly was numbed by the agony of my perturbed mind; indeed, I welcomed the feeling, relishing the sharp pain. It dulled my thoughts. It helped me forget.

Forget that I was alone.

I was so long alone.

Minutes dragged by, seconds leaving the strain of hours; the tears stopped, and dried, and soon there was no sign of my turmoil but the prone pose I maintained. With the release of my tribulation, I regained the ability to stretch my thoughts, to reflect on the stupidity of my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. How long had it been, since I had an episode of this magnitude? Not since coming to Helovia - what foolishness, then, that I should be struck down now! I had thought myself above such weakness, had found security in the facade of calm detachment so easily donned. Abhorrence clamored against my mind, fury and disdain for my own malaise. I loathed myself for this, for the emotion that ruled me in these wild moments, for the defective nature of my own brain. I despised it, my loneliness, yet it seemed I could entice none but my siblings to stand beside me... and even they were too busy with their lives to note the turmoil that destroyed me. Selfish, I was selfish for wanting them to care, yet I could not suppress the desire. It gnawed within me, fighting my fears, and neither could win. So long had I been alone, that I did not realize how deeply I yearned for closeness until I discovered I could not have it - not the way my siblings did. Mirage had Akaith, and Vikram, and her Qian; the twins had each other; I had...

A name pops into my head, and a bright figure of burnt mahogany - why? Why did I torment myself with the memories of what I could have had, the memories of what I failed to hold on to? Friendship, love, I pushed it away. It was no wonder I found myself alone now. Who in their right mind would stay by my side long enough to discover something worth loving?

Angry, brooding, I lay upon the frozen ground, crown nestled against curled forelegs, tail lashing impetuously at bent hocks, colliquated water the only sound in the frozen blue.

Drip, drip, drip.

[ ooc || Uh, open if anyone wants it. Sorry for long angsty!Rishi post ]