[COMPLETED] Strike the War Drums [Gaucho]

[COMPLETED] Strike the War Drums [Gaucho]

Official Posts: 847

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Stallion :: Equine :: ::

Official

04-08-2013, 07:07 PM

ARYEL -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: jumping aside from the antlers but being raked by them. Remember that if he tried to land on your right from behind, it would be your left from the front.
+ 1| Defense: clipped nose. Be careful with damage to the face, as the bones can easily fracture/break to cause great pain and hindrance.
+ 1| Attack: biting towards his wing joint.
- 1| Powerplay: the attack is worded in a way that, to me, makes it seem like you're saying it's landing. ".. and opened her jaws to land a bite..." Better to say, "to try and land a bite".

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Emotion.

GAUCHO -- post 2

[Realism]
0| Experience: I'm on the fence about this one. Aside from being a diagonal charge I don't really see the similarities. The attack in the previous spar was more of a sneak attack, this one was an obvious charge. The defense was the same, yes, but I don't agree with the reasoning.
+ 1| Defense: bitten below the wing joint.
+ 1| Counter-attack: slamming into her.
- 1| Attack: trying to slam his left shoulder into her right. I find that this attack largely ignores the fact that you both have wings. where are Gaucho's wings as he does this move? Does he tuck the left and roll down sideways to smack into her?
+ 1| Attack: bite to neck.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Emotion.

ARYEL -- post 2

[Realism]
0| Defense: mentioning that she was smacked on the nose again. I would've liked some more mention of what specifically happened ,though.
+ 1| Defense: scraped neck from his teeth.
+ 1| Defense: dropping down to fall at the same rate as him to avoid him.
- 1| Attack: going under his belly. This is a really creative attack and I love it, but. You're folding your wings as you go upside down. Folding your wings in flight means that you take away your source of lift, meaning you fall. You cannot glide without holding your wings outstretched, and even upside down you will be able to glide decently. However, if you fold them, you'll just drop down. A horse's body cannot glide without the aid of outstretched wings.
- 2| Powerplay: you say that you're directly under him, but you can only try to be.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Emotion.

GAUCHO -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: taking the kick to the belly.
- 1| Attack: bite towards her neck. First of all I'm not sure what you're doing with your wings. Pointing them up? Or just increasing the area you present to the airflow to brake? Secondly, Gaucho has large wings, and the way you've got them out they'll be in between you and Aryel, effectively putting her out of reach. So if you're close enough for a bite, her head would pass through your feathers and you'd hit the leading edge of hers.
- 1| Attack: kicking out towards her. Given the fact that you have to pass through her left wing to be close enough for this, I don't think it's plausible.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Emotion.

ARYEL -- post 3

[Realism]
- 1| Defense: he's on your left, so I'm not sure you can avoid the bite by throwing your head to the left.
- 1| Defense: taking the kick to your barrel. I'm pretty sure you've got a wing attached to your side, I'd think his leg would get tangled in it at that area of her body.
+ 1| Attack: air strike.
- 1| Minor powerplay: again, you decide that you get close. You can only try. Something like "if I caught up with him I would..." You only need to mention the if like.. once, maybe twice, to make it clear that you're only attempting. Aryel is diving, yes, but what if Gaucho starts diving too? Not sure you'd catch up as he'd fall faster due to more bulk.

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy read.
+ 1| Emotion.

GAUCHO -- post 4 (defense only)

[Realism]
- 1| Defense: scraped down the thighs. Given the positioning and how she's falling, I would've thought her chin would've hit your ass too, or some other part of her. You don't really explain where the rest of Aryel passes you. Also, you have nothing under your hooves, and given the fact she hits at all I think it'd shove your hind end down in the air, which would jerk your front up and probably make you lose your balance for a bit. Momentum would make sure you didn't just drop like a rock but I would expect a scenario like this to involve some wing-flailing to regain balance and easy flight.

GAUCHO

[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed: you were well aware of Gaucho's and Aryel's differences.

[Injuries]
0| Nothing of note.

[Creativity]
+ 1| I really liked his feint.

Comments: Overall, well done! However, I noticed one thing that hampered you a lot on this fight: wings. Most of the time when I read your attacks/defenses in the air I got the feeling neither Gaucho nor Aryel had wings. They'd be quite in the way in an aerial fight, and the need to keep them out to order to maintain flight would severely hinder close combat horizontally. Try to remember that they're there, and large, and vital. Otherwise I think you did well!

DEFENDER

[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed: you tried to use your smaller, lither body to your advantage, as well being wary of direct hits from Gaucho.

[Injuries]
0| Nothing of note.

[Creativity]
+ 1| "no need to castrate him" made me laugh.

Comments: Good job, Fennec! Largely, you have two problems. The first is that you often word things in a manner I don't quite agree with, making it sound as if your attacks do land, or that you decide where your opponent is (which you can only do, within reason, when dealing with their attack against you). Try to work on getting more "try"'s, "if"'s, and "where he had been a second ago"'s in, and you'll be free of a lot of unnecessary points. The second I noticed was your wings, and that they, also, kind of.. "disappeared" in flight sometimes, like when Gaucho kicked you. Aside from that I think you did well, and I think Aryel was present well emotionally throughout the entire spar. Well done!

TOTAL
Gaucho - 64
Aryel - 61