Had I always been this emotionless creature? Perhaps my affliction had granted me a personality. If nothing else, it had shaped me into what I was. But now that I did not need to fear myself, who was I? What was my great destiny in life? It is said that it is granted to each individual to have one great problem that they must solve in their lifetime; if I had solved mine, then what would the remainder of my days hold? I was not cut out for anything in particular, it would seem: I did not do anything within the herd to speak of. I had not been a great mother. Passable, perhaps, but my preoccupation with my own life had taken precedence. Did that make me selfish? Probably. And as much as I hated the concept, I had to admit to it.

When had I become this montrous, emotionless void? Had it always been this way? Or was it his fault? His fault and the Earth God's?

Was I really trying to blame someone else for my problems?

Perhaps I was just going mad.

Thor began to speak, interrupting my thoughts, and I find myself staring blankly at him as he explains my missing reality. Had I ever truly appreciated how handsome he was? Not that it mattered now - I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve any of this. Not the wonderful mate, not the adorable daughter, not the amazing family that could be mine, if I would only participate in it. I didn't deserve the beautiful home, not when all I could do was stand at the edge of the precipice and wonder what it would be like to jump. I closed my eyes as Thor began to caress my nape, and although I tensed under his touch, it was also mildly soothing. And in that touch, I could almost feel the emotions roiling beneath his calm demeanor - the love, the worry, the potential goodbyes... Perhaps I had grown to know him better than I had thought.

My gaze roved out to the sea as I turned his words over in my mind. Another side of myself? There were two of me? And I was so... so... not me? Was this the missing link? Did I, in reality, need both of my halves to be whole? Or could I learn to be whole again? The questions bred confusion, and confusion turned to anger. "You kept it from me," I said, and my eyes were blank when I turned to look at him. But suddenly I felt the rage take me, and I took a step away from him, my auds flattening. "Why?" A pause, tears rising. Not sad tears, but angry ones. Oh, why did I always cry at the worst times? "Why?" The last word is a shout.

But I didn't give him time to answer, instead turning away and stalking back and forth, feeling strangely feline in my movements. What could his reasoning have been? Why wouldn't he want me to know? Situations ran through my mind, and I didn't filter my thoughts - they simply came out. "I trusted you. Was I really that horrible? Or did you like that better? Is that it? You don't love me like this, you loved her? Maybe you wanted her to be the one you got to keep? Or-" I gasped. "Which one of us is Essetia's real mother? Which one?!" The last was a demand, and I stood before him, not even knowing how I had gotten there, my eyes boring into his, my breast heaving, almost hyperventilating.

"talk"

If love is surrender, then whose war is it anyway?