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04-10-2013, 02:36 AM
You are a fool. You are spineless, pathetic; there is an ache inside of you that you had never felt before, the kind that turns your stomach and leaves you feeling empty, soulless, despite the darkling inevitably growing inside of you. For the first time in your life, you knew fear. At first it had been simply a trickle resounding in your heart, from the moment you allowed a man you hadn't ever known, hadn't ever had the intention to know, touch you in all the right ( and very wrong ) ways. It had been small, something that mattered not to you, for a sense far greater filled in and overwhelmed your guilt, your lack of confidence: pride. In your own way you had thought that by being with another man that it would sever the last of the tangled, destroyed heart-strings you shared with the boy haunting your every step, forcing them to be remade, forcing him back to you, if he would not come willingly, if he could not find it in himself to forgive a mistake you had made ( and you will never admit it, never truly know ) while in the clutches of youthful ignorance. You are selfish, resting on the verge of heartlessness. It had been easy for you to ignore and to disregard - but as time had passed slowly, so slowly, that pride began to no longer be enough to satiate you, and the icy. gnarled fingers of fear began to permeate through to your very marrow. With an elongated sigh your body visibly deflates, kaleidoscope eyes following the interrupted swirl of the water as it gushes past, tugging at inky tresses that skim the surface, a lily-white and forlorn face looking back through you. Despite everything, there is a singular question that rests on your mind: what would happen now, now that you are carrying a child you never wanted in the first place, something you allowed merely to bring someone you had utterly destroyed ( he betrayed you, left you ) back to you? You hadn't a maternal bone in your lithe little body, nor any want to learn how to be; so what would happen now? To the child, to you, to him -- to the things the both of you used to be? You are a parasite. You can only guess, and that, that scares you more than anything. Nothing had ever been uncertain for you, when everything was decided before you even had the chance to know. Nothing had ever come a surprise, not when your father left you for the clutches of a women on the brink of madness, nor when the days changed but everything stayed the same, grew stagnant. Your father returning without his heart, stripped of everything that you could name that defined what made him, that wasn't a surprise either. And when your mother died, and your life disintegrated into nothing, thread after fragile thread, it was nothing less than expected. You were a girl that lived to those expectations that were all but laid out for you, and now, now that you had done something ( and you still do not understand the severity, feel the full weight of responsibility on your thin shoulders ) so significant, you had never felt more vulnerable. And nothing more. |
for ali with tajjjj<3
( if you want to join, feel free to ask~ :D )
so, i totally had this post all planned out.
my muse decided to take itself hostage and totally went somewhere else.
i tried to convince it to do otherwise and all it did was argue the whoooole way ;-;
that is my excuse for this sad, sad excuse for anything.
