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[JUDGED] Teach me your best moves. [Training Spar, Deimos]

Deimos the Reaper Posts: 527
Deceased atk: 7.0 | def: 12 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.1 :: 7 HP: 72.5 | Buff: NUMB
Heather
#6
06-14-2013, 06:09 AM


Restraint poured into his movements and motions, compelled by the armaments of comrades, of brethren, of kindred spirits, flickering, igniting, kindling against his inherent, rapier sentiments. It breathed in rapacious, hedonistic sovereignty, coiled and rippled against his core – for what if one speck of power drowned her in the wake of his puissance? What if one fiendish touch left her lying upon the floor, anointed and christened by death? What if one demonic blow chained her to the ground, in scattered, broken, weary pieces? Every gesture he made had to be conscientious, diligent, scrupulous, and his cold, calculating mind poured over the rampant shifting, the passage of daggers, struggling to find weaknesses without enacting upon them. It was a privilege for her to not to encased in his full fury, in the raw, biting ferocity of his burning animosity, of his vehement raptures, of his battleground crusades, the satanic compositions of his treachery. His responsibilities greatly outnumbered hers, and he was constantly reminded of this juxtaposition as she advanced her next assault towards his frame. She need not fear for her marks, her sieges, her attacks along his body, but he paid for every single one tarnished upon hers.

Her kick was launched towards his maneuvering frame, the left side of his ribcage. Speed hampered by the smarting ache in his left shoulder, he shifted forward enough, a brief snippet of speed, for his left haunch to feel the encounter of her flying hooves. The impact bloomed into a nagging, devilish ache, but the motions had protected his much more precious ribs, a crack, a break, within those bones would be more than a hindrance; his motions would had to have ceased altogether. A snort quelled throughout his nares, flew into the vapor, marking, pinpointing his frustrations. Were this another enemy he could have damned them across the void, watched them fall, begging for mercy, weeping for forgiveness; but it was a herd mate, and he’d be punished for his wickedness.

Instead, he swiveled closer, not fast, not swift, aching injuries curbing the rapid deliverance of his movements, and orchestrated the crooning depths of his silent munitions. The iniquitous invocations, the savage spells, the dark, tainted malevolence of his violence pulsed from his limbs, slunk in sinuous, serpentine motions. It slid over ice and rime, begging to be collected at the mare’s feet, longing to impact her actions and activity, bring her energy back to their creator. They brewed in unsung warning, a vicious, virulent haze that promised far more power than he’d uttered here; Arah was given a mere, slender dose of his toxic, poisonous enchantments – it would not spell her demise, it would not diminish her breath, it would not grasp her heart and cease its beating. But, perhaps, it would instill an omen of the augured battlefields, of what she could see, of what she could feel, of the pain, the misery, the ailments she longed to encounter.


[491 words. 2/3 posts. 1/1 magic used.
Deimos moves forward enough to avoid Arah’s kick towards his ribcage, but they manage to hit his left haunch. His left side aching, he aims to move closer to her, but doesn’t instill any fiendish attack. Instead, he aims his deadly magic towards her body in hopes that he frames a warning and manages to sap some of her energy (thereby taking some for himself).]






[OOC Commentary: Woohoo! Another battle post over!

To answer your previous question, no, I wouldn’t consider 'His teeth sank into her skin, but with the speed that she was going he was not able to get in too deep. A sharp pain formed around her spine, as the doe tried to pull away as fast as possible, resulting in her flesh tearing away with the nip. ' powerplaying. You’re describing what happened to her after his attack and her injuries. You’re not telling someone that their character is injured due to your assault or something of that nature.

For example, I consider this to be powerplaying: Arah launched into Deimos’s side and ripped a chunk of his flesh out. Can you see why that’s considered powerplaying? You become the dictator of your character and someone else’s, and that’s a huge no-no. What you’ve done is simply mapped over what happened to Arah, and that’s entirely acceptable and what the judge wants.

Now, to your current post.

You did a wonderful job outlining her pain. This is a huge factor for me as well, because sometimes we just get on a roll and we forget where our characters previously encountered some aches and pains and how this could affect them in battle. Be sure to regard this in your next posts as well to continue with consistency.

There were a couple things that confused me. One was this line: To avoid toppling, she dug her front hooves into the dirt and snow, then locked her lower joints in. Technically, yes, horses can lock their lower joints, but that’s typically used for sleeping and when they’re standing idle. In this case it would have made more sense to flesh out your details, because for a moment, I wasn’t sure what she was locking into. The snow? The slush? Something like “braced her legs for impact by widening her stance" would be much more vivid and appropriate.

The attack itself had me perplexed for a moment because of your use of “rear”. Words often have multiple meanings, and unfortunately, I dragged myself down into the notion that she was “rearing” instead of it being her “rear-end”. So I tilted my head when she was kicking and rearing, and then it finally clicked in after some re-reads. But you don’t want to confuse your reader. Make it simple, make it concrete. You can say “hind” instead of rear just to make your post that much more clearer. If I have to stumble around in confusion, I’m a sad, rattled roleplayer.

I was also flummoxed as far as where Arah was attacking. You state: Using her smaller height to her advantage, she did not raise her rear too high. Being so close to him would also make her attack much more lethal. She aimed for the middle of his chest, heart pounding and brain working furiously as she tired her best to make her aim spot on. She bunched all of her muscles in, balancing for a slit second on her front legs. Then with all the power and energy she could muster she released her legs, toward's Deimous' ribs. She put everything she could into the kick, it was as if the entire world had gone silent in this moment. All she could hear was her heart pounding and blood rushing through her body. But – a horse’s ribs are not in their chest. They’re not built like you and I. The ribs are located more into the barrel. While I used your summary for guidance and noticed that you still wanted his ribs impacted, your post stated that you were aiming for his chest.

You really, really, really need to proofread as well. I encountered some words like “reflects” for reflexes, “where” for were, etc. After a while, some of these mistakes just ensue more confusion, and you don’t want anyone left perplexed, especially a judge. Take your time, don’t rush. Read over it out loud, or let it sit for a while and come back to it later.

I look forward to your next post!]
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RE: Teach me your best moves. [Training Spar, Deimos] - by Deimos - 06-14-2013, 06:09 AM

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