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08-05-2013, 09:00 PM
 A r a h | D e i m o s - - - - - By my verdict DEIMOS is the winner. Deimos receives 2 VP. ARAH -- post 1 (attack only) [Realism] + 1| Attack: Horn ram to the left hand side of the chest. 0 | Sidenote: "her aim was true although she did not doubt..." -- You go on to make this not powerplay, but I wanted to emphasize that typically true aim is a phrase used for an attack that will definitely land. You should not use this unless your attack does land. [Prose] - 1| Emotion: This post had so much potential for an overdose of emotion, but I think you undersold it a lot. There were few emotion words at best, and ultimately I just think it was dry and confusing. Rather than just stating things, make your reader feel them. + 1| Easy Read 0 | Flow: You disrupted your flow with this strange slow down of her speed, which was unexplained. Why is Arah slowing down? DEIMOS -- post 1 [Realism] + 1| Defense: Swerving to the right, moving damage to the left shoulder instead of chest. + 1| Attack: Attempting to charge into Arah's left hand side. At first, I was going to count off on this because I thought you got confused on directions. However, if Arah attacked from the right side of Deimos and crossed over toward his left side, you could be hitting her left hand side. Arah's post did not dictate which side she attacked from, so this checks out. + 1| Attack: Bite to the spine. [Prose] + 1| Emotion: Keeping the fact that Deimos is about as emotional as a rock, this is a pretty good post emotion-wise. Deimos is a little bit arrogant and doubtful in Arah, while still maintaining his very cool, Deimos face. 0 | Easy Read: I struggled with the direction, but I sort of feel that was the fault of both of you for not clarifying completely, so I just awarded a 0. + 1| Flow ARAH -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Defense: Slamming hooves down to avoid toppling over from the ram, rear end swinging with the motion. + 1| Injury: Bite to the back. - 1| Borderline Powerplay: "Now her back legs [were] facing his left hand side, his ribs were on display ready to meet her hooves." -- You may not be definitely facing your opponent, as Deimos may have moved in this time frame. By wording your sentence like this, you make the determination that he has not attempted to move and trap your opponent. + 1| Attack: Buck to the left-hand side, middle of the chest. [Prose] + 1| Easy Read - 1| Flow: You separated damage from the initial injury in the case of the slam, which made it more difficult to read and judge. You also had several distracting grammar and spelling errors throughout the post. 0 | Emotion: This was almost there, but through parts of this post you completely lost emotion. DEIMOS -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Defense: Launching forward to redirect the kick to the haunches. + 1| Attack: Small use of his magic. [Prose] + 1| Emotion + 1| Flow + 1| Easy Read ARAH -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Injury: The energy drain in response to Deimos's magic. Taken well. + 1| Attack: Biting toward the chest. [Prose] + 1 | Easy Read + 1| Flow + 1| Emotion: So, so much better in this post! DEIMOS -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Defense: Moving right to redirect the bite to the chest. + 1| Attack: A quick sweep of his horn with a broad aim toward her side. You do not state which side you are attacking, but I assume right since Arah approached from the left hand side. [Prose] + 1| Emotion + 1| Flow + 1| Easy Read ARAH -- Closing defense [Realism] 0 | Defense: Moving away to lessen the impact of the horn slash. You took this injury too far, based on the description of it in the former post. "He brandished his sword in a long, sweeping arch, aimed to lightly scrape it along her side...." This would not make a deep cut. You also should have taken this injury to the right side, considering they are standing parallel (sort of) when Arah bites out at his chest, but I did not take off because Deimos's post did not specify a direction. ARAH [Bonus] + 2| Breed comparison: You keep the height and build differences between Deimos and Arah in mind, even including them in one of your attacks. + 1| Surroundings: You really only mention the surroundings a few times, accurately and making Arah slip, but fail to use it constructively in your battle. [Injuries] None. [Creativity] Nothing of note. Comments: You really improved as this fight went along! I did not read Heather's comments, but I feel like you listened to whatever tips and critiques she was feeding you. I especially saw leaps and bounds of improvement in the area of grammar. I think you have a good grip on realistic maneuvers and fighting. Make sure you draw out directions and positions, making them as clear as possible - it will help you out a lot. Great job! DEIMOS [Bonus] + 1| Breed comparison: Only use Deimos's imposing height once during this fight, but fail to bring it up much in this fight. + 1| Health: Least injured. [Injuries] None. [Creativity] Nothing of note. Comments: As far as fighting mechanics go, you have it down solid. However, I think you would do well to be more explicit with your attacks and defenses when your opponent is being vague. This can help direct the judge and your opponent, aiding in a less confusing experience to every reader overall. I enjoy your expansive vocabulary, but sometimes the large words in such big quantities can weigh down my thinking cap a little. I believe you have found a good medium between Deimos being emotionless and going out of character for battling by being too emotion. Good job! TOTAL Arah - 61 Deimos - 67  |
