What a strange, exotic place.

My mane, a pale golden blonde that curls no matter the conditions it faces, is sprinkled with snowflakes that catch my gaze incessantly. It's nearly enough to drive me into frustration. This is a realm I haven't marked with my passing hooves, and the grey space on my mental map has finally urged me to traverse it. Brilliance is a heavy weight to bear, but I do not consider it brilliance. Why would I, after all? To me it is a machine, a demon I must keep at bay. As useful as it may be to me, it is all I have ever known. Strings of endless questions, thoughts that flicker and shuffle infinitely. A thousand miniscule actions and events recorded in perfect clarity in stores that are deeper than even I wish to know. Somewhere in the back of my mind the number of blinks, footfalls, stumbles, and breaths tick on a meter I can call to consciousness at any time. For so long I had thought I was a machine, a monster with emotions that had been turned to warped metal in a heart made of wheels and pulleys. I had gazed upon loving couples with envy and sorrow, believing myself unable of receiving or returning such deep emotion.

That was when my beloved friend Sohalia had told me of her pregnancy, of the life that swelled miraculously in her already swollen belly. I could not fathom how the child could grow any larger, fearing my sister would burst before the foal could be born. Of course logically, scientifically, this would not be true, but I was fearful of this event that had changed from something viewed as a bystander into something that affected me intimately. And then she'd given me quite another shock, lovingly naming me the godmother of the foal that would come from her. Of course, life had been just as unfair to my sister as it had been to me, and cursed her with a second child that would not grow, lungs that would not inflate with air. It had shattered her, and I had been helpless to comfort her. So hard I had tried, unable to reach through the haze that seemed to surround the cream ghost of my best friend. And despite her protective tendencies, her living daughter was just as lost in the numbness that my sister had fallen into. To make things worse, the mate she had loved so deeply was suddenly nowhere to be found, which made me hate him with such vehemence it shocked me. Alone and still broken into pieces I could not glue together, she had to raise her daughter, my precious goddaughter Skysong.

What could I do? I remembered so vividly my own mother, a sad-eyed ghost just like Sohalia who had abandoned me with no word of goodbye or prompt for leaving. In my best friend, my other puzzle piece, I saw the same future. Perhaps not precisely, but I feared for the tiny golden lass that looked upon me with beautiful dichromatic eyes. What would happen to her? And in my own belly, fear quivered just as much. I was terrified to be a godmother, and even more terrified by the ideas that slowly formed inside my head. I tried to fight them, quaking and weak inside. But I could not. And so I had slowly taken Skysong into my presence, and that anxiety ebbed away as if it had never been. I never wanted to take her from Sohalia, and still encouraged my darling goddaughter-turned-niece to spend time with her mother. Yet my heart yearned for her, for the innocence in those loving eyes. Suddenly I was no longer a machine, but a real being. My mind was still a beast I could barely contain, but my heart had swelled and become bright with real emotions. I loved this little one more than I had ever felt, and with such intensity it still to this day took away my breath in one fell swoop.

And a rather curious thing began to happen then. Slowly my eyes opened to all the things around me, and yet I only cared to gaze upon one. Families, laughing and loving each other so easily I envied them as I had once envied the couples with no toddling little ones. And I wanted, I craved, I longed. Not only for that love that had long been a deep secret wish of mine, but for a family. For a son or daughter of my own, a new life that would gaze upon me with love, look to me for guidance and knowledge, call me mommy. And again I was so scared, remembering the agony my mentor had gone through when our General Azzuen had passed so peacefully. The depth of that emotion terrified me, and yet I thirsted for it like a soul trapped in endless desert with no water in sight. Still I doubted myself, insecurities that had long been meaningless suddenly taking weight upon my shoulders. What if I was still far too detached from my own emotions to know how to show someone I was interested in them? What if I was too plain and bland to attract attention and all? And if I did, would my mind turn them from me like so many others? I dreaded that awful look, the one that mixed disgust, confusion, and distrust. I scared them with what I knew, what my mind could do, and it was like an iron through the heart to know that. Yet Quilyan had given me hope by calling it a gift, and Cassiopeia for telling me with certainty that I could turn it from a curse to an ally.

But...how do you even get into a relationship?

I contemplated asking someone, but the only female- or even male, I was still too new and oblivious to social norms to realize it was strange- I trusted was Sohalia, and I feared it would upset her. I supposed it would come to me in time, or it would become another dream I would never be able to achieve.

So I had traveled, as I was wont to do every once in a while. It had kept me from the borders of my home when I had first arrived in Helovia, driven me to shame and guilt that Cassiopeia had mended with gentle words and touches. Now, it was my escape. A way to become me again, though I was still shyly discovering just who that was. I was naive, foolish and trusting. As hardened as I may be from my foalhood, I knew nothing of society and conversation. Knew nothing about other people or handle them at all, in fact. Unless logic or a trick of their body presented them as a liar to me, I would have no ability of deciphering it. But I was desperate to clear my mind, and so with a gentle kiss to Skysong's brow I had been off. Intending to take not just a daily stroll, but a vacation of at least a few days to sit and untangle my thoughts and desires. So to the cold lands I had gone, knowing of the dangers but also knowing these were free lands. Why should they bother me if I was not bothering them? And if not I still remembered some rather dirty tricks when it came to brawls, having no formal tutoring other than my devilish ways as a yearling and the scraps I had forced myself into to feel something other than numb and robotic.

It was far colder here, though I mentally kicked myself for noting something so dull and idiotic. However even in the land I was born in- if you could call it that, considering my nomadic upbringing- had been arid and desolate, a land few dared to explore and fewer still desired to live on. Even so I pressed on, the only color in this washed out world the deep chocolate of my coat and the shock of cobalt within my orbs. The snow had turned my pale golden locks to near silver, and the wetness of that which piled high on the earth blackened my legs as it melted against the heat of my body. Flakes clung to my lashes and yet I ignored them, gazing around me. Perhaps I would not be so wet if I were taller, I thought to myself in half-amused bitterness. Oh, I knew I was short, and I hated it. Hated that I had to tilt my crown to the heavens to meet eyes with someone, that I could so easily be towered over. But there was nothing I could do, and I shrugged to myself whenever I turned huffy over such a simple thing.

Perhaps in gentler seasons this area was full of sparse grass and tundra, but as Orangemoon weathered on it had grown thick with the sticky freezing flakes. Shelter would be necessary soon if the ominous clouds above bore any sign of the future. With luck I could make it to the caves I had been intending to explore, take refuge there until the storm passed. I had no experience with the storms this far north, and was quite eager to add whatever I could about them to my wealth of information. Though it seemed my stature was against me, for the storm unleashed before I could find my way into the safety of one. The closest I could find was not even deep enough to offer much shelter, but I had nearly no vision in this suddenly howling bloodless place. My ears pressed back to my crown, and try as I might I couldn't keep myself from feeling terrified. I had no experience with this, and I was scolding myself for daring to venture in with no knowledge or advice from others. I cried out softly, the bleating of a lost lamb that could not be stopped, as if it were automatic. Tiny whimpers that escaped me as I pressed close to that small indent of ice, wishing I knew how to traverse this cold land. How could the inhabitants deal with these storms? Did they have ways of doing so? Would anyone see me even if they could not hear me? And if they did, would they leave me helpless until the storm passed simply because I was bare upon my head? It wouldn't seem such a frightening prospect if I knew how long these storms lasted, and had better shelter. Instead, the wind stung me like the harsh slap of a tail, something I had never experienced from the element. The snow blinded me, no longer beautiful but instead a pelting force that I was helpless against. I could not stand facing away from the wind as most did, because the wind was free to howl and twist where it may on this flat surface, and there was no real direction. So I waited, shivering and cursing my tiny frame as I shook and whimpered softly, eyes nearly fully closed to try and use the darkness as a way to soothe myself. Wishing I was enough of a believer to have a God to pray to for this to end, or for someone to at least guide me through this in my inexperience.

//ooc: Glo/Roland first please <3 others can pop in later!