the Rift


toy soldiers. [moved]

Official Posts: 847
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Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#3




Kri the Resolute | Cassiopeia
- - - - -
By my verdict Kri is the winner.

CHALLENGER -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Keeping in mind the sun
+ 1| Attack: Hooves to shoulder
+ 1| Attack: Bite at face

[Prose]
+ 1| Very easy to read and understand
+ 1| Clear attacks and reasons
+ 1| Excellent use of emotion


DEFENDER -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Hooves landing and mention of bruising
+ 1| Defense: Lifting neck to avoid bite and moving back on hind legs
+ 1| Attack: snap at haunches
+ 1| Attack: nip neck
0| Attack: hooves lashing out but no mention of where they are aimed
- 1| No mention of continued pain of the damaged shoulder


[Prose]
+ 1| Very easy to read
+ 1| Good flow

CHALLENGER -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: realistically took the bite to haunches
+ 1| Defense: Nip to canon
+ 1| Attack: Scraping back
+ 1| Attack: snapping teeth and neck around
- 1| A bruised haunch would continue to ache, especially when her hooves are in the air

[Prose]
+ 2| Emotion: Loving how Kri is trying to temper her blows and keep it light hearted
+ 1| Flow: Very easy to read
+ 1| Easy read

DEFENDER -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Good evation
0| Defense: A bite to the ear is realistic, but the skin there is so thin that it would most likely have broken
+ 1| Attack: Nipping back
+ 1| Attack: kick at flank

[Prose]
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

CHALLENGER -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: realistically avoided bite to face
0| Defense: Took the bite to the haunch but no mention of previous bite wound
+ 1| Attack: bite at cheek
+ 1| Attack: kicking out at side

[Prose]
+ 1| Easy read: very helpful use of left and right sides
+ 1| Flow: nice transitions

DEFENDER -- post 3

[Realism]
0| Defense: taking the bite to the cheek, but no explanation of damage sustained
+ 1| Defense: Hooves to barrel and explanation of bruise
+ 1| Attack: biting at legs
+ 1| Attack: kicking at flank


[Prose]
+ 1| Flow
- 1| Easy read: Because both characters are female, you have to be very careful when you use "she" and "her"

CHALLENGER -- post 4 (defense only)

[Realism]
0| Defense: took the bite to the back leg, but a bleeding laceration would cause quite a bit of pain
+ 1| Defense: dive, but still grazed hooves


CHALLENGER

[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed: described differences of size/weight and how that would affect flight
+ 1| Surroundings

[Injuries]
None

[Creativity]
+ 1| The swooping roll to graze hooves on Cass's sides
+ 1| Style: Kri's entire attitude of having fun and sparring was very unique and emotional

Comments: Very good! Kri's attitude and emotion was wonderful. I would just docus on injuries and how they would affect your character as they continue to fight. I enjoyed also reading about the environment incorporation. Very good transitions and easy reads. Very nice style!

DEFENDER

[Bonus]
+ 1| Health: sustained the least amount of damage
+ 1| Surroundings

[Injuries]
None

[Creativity]
+ 1| Very fast, realistic attacks (like nipping back and snapping at legs)

Comments: Very good fight, but I could definitely use to feel more emotion from Cass. Also, you should think about how to make your defenses more realistic because an attack from hooves can easily break skin and it is more difficult that you would think to avoid a well defined attack. Also, really work on your use of pronouns and making sure that each character's actions are easily defined. Great job!

TOTAL
Challenger - 80
Defender - 66





Messages In This Thread
toy soldiers. [moved] - by Official - 06-03-2012, 11:51 AM
RE: toy soldiers. [moved] - by Kri - 06-03-2012, 01:02 PM
RE: toy soldiers. [moved] - by Official - 07-14-2012, 03:21 PM
RE: toy soldiers. [moved] - by Boom Boom - 07-15-2012, 02:08 PM
RE: toy soldiers. [moved] - by Cassiopeia - 07-15-2012, 04:27 PM

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