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09-05-2013, 11:23 PM
- - - - - By my verdict KRI is the winner. FAELENE -- post 1 (attack only) [Realism] + 1| Attack: Horn to Kri's right flank. [Prose] + 1| Easy Read. + 1| Flow. + 1| Emotion. KRI -- post 1 [Realism] + 1| Past Experience: Vikram Spar - terrain comparison. + 1| Defense: Dodging around the tree + 1| Attack: Kri's right shoulder into Faelene's right flank + 1| Attack: Bite to Faelene's right hock-area [Prose] + 1| Emotion: I could almost laugh. These fucking people, always trying to shove their words between my shoulders. + 1| Flow: + 1| Easy read: FAELENE -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Avoiding Kri's tree defense. 0| Injury: Bite to the hock - there is no mention of whether this breaks the skin, or how much pain it causes - only that Faelene wants to get rid of the pain as quickly as possible. Also, if Faelene were to move to Kri's left side - since Kri is coming head on with the intent for her right shoulder to hit Faelene's right side, I don't see how Kri could have hit Faelene's RIGHT hip - it be her left. + 1| Attack: Bucking out towards Kri's face 0| Attack: Horn Jab? I couldn't tell if this was an attack, since Faelene just 'wheels around' - there's no mention if this is supposed to be an offensive or defensive maneuver. + 1| Attack: Tail whipping towards Kri's face. [Prose] 0| Flow: This was difficult for me to get through - I had to re-read your defense/attack section a few times to visualize what was going on. 0| Emotion: Lots of Faelene reacting to Kri - which is great! But not as much emotion - try to find a balance! :) - 1| Easy Read: A lot of your sentences were choppy with some grammatical errors- which threw off the lovely prose of this. pulling her breath in if she is a dying corpse..or would put her in a frustarted mood KRI -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Injury. Horn to her right flank - good use of Numb here. - 1| Dropped attack: Faelene kicks with both hooves - but you only mention one Her limb flails uncomfortably but ineffectively against my neck and upper chest. + 1| Defense: BITCH SLAP FOR A BITCH SLAP. xD - returned tail whip. + 1| Attack: Cowkick to Faelene's right shoulder. + 1| Attack: Front hooves to right shoulder + 1| Attack: Wind attack. [Prose] + 1| Emotion: ...it is but a flesh wound I lol'd + 1| Easy Read: + 1| Flow FAELENE -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Tail whip to the face. 0| Defense: Spinning to the left - kick to the right part of her chest. Again, no mention of pain or bruising/breaking the skin, etc. + 1| Attack: Slashing her horn and rearing to try and hit Kri's shoulder. - 1| Dropped Attack: No mentioned of Kri's attack hitting (I don't know if this was supposed to be it: the heavier one in the side of her chest now twice struck ?) + 1| Injury: Wind attack, cutting off her air supply + 1| Previous Experience: Deimos showing his magic. + 1| Attack: Broken Magic Sheild [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Flow: + 1| Easy Read: KRI -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Horn to the right shoulder + 1| Injury: Hooves to Kri's barrel + 1| Attack: Wing flail towards Faelene's right side + 1| Injury: Broken magic sheild pushing Kri away + 1| Attack: Left shoulder into Faelene's right hind [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Easy Read. + 1| Flow. FAELENE -- post 4 [Realism] 0| Injury: Kri's wing to Faelene's right shoulder - no mention of pain again! Especially since Faelene's right shoulder area has been attacked multiple times this fight, I would think even a wing brushing against it would be really irritating. - 1| Defense: Faelene's hind end moving right to "give Kri nothing to hit". I didn't understand this tactic at all. If Kri's left shoulder is aiming for Faelene's right hind quarter, spinning to the right wouldn't eliminate a target, and it would, all things being equal, cause Kri to hit someone on Faelene's left side - but you take the damage further up on her right? + 1| Attack: Continuing the circle and trying to stab Kri. [Prose] - 1| Flow: Kri's magic can only last 20 seconds, so I found it distorting to see how dramatic you made the effects. - 1| Easy Read: I had to stop a number of times to re-read sections here. + 1| Emotion. KRI -- post 4 [Realism] + 1| Previous experience: losing in Isilme. D: + 1| Defense: Using the wind to slow Kri - injury to her left shoulder. + 1| Attack: Biting at whatever is in reach. + 1| Attack: Pivoting and kicking towards her right shoulder/side [Prose] + 2| Emotion: ALL THE FEELS!! Perhaps understanding the bitch was the last thing I needed. + 1| Easy Read. + 1| Flow FAELENE -- post 5 (defense only) [Realism] + 1| Injury: Kri grabbing Faelene's horn and forcing her head down. + 1| Defense: Rolling left to try and avoid Kri's kick - getting on on her neck. KRI [Bonus] + 2| Breed Comparison: The differences in body mass as well as height, were well used this fight. + 2| Surroundings: I like how you let them play to both Kri's strengths and weaknesses. [Injuries] + 1| Least Injured [Creativity] +1 Battle for the Cliffs. Comments: ALL THE FEELS WHEN KRI WAS TALKING ABOUT THE CLIFFS. I remember losing. I remember my stupid hope to win. I understand AHHHH. FAELENE [Bonus] + 1| Breed Comparison. + 2| Surroundings: Great work using the Basin to Faelene's advantage! [Injuries] [Creativity] + 1| Nice use of broken magic! Comments: I would recommend reading your posts - possibly outloud even, after you write them. Some of your sentences came across really choppy and disjointed when I was reading them. However, if I stopped myself and tried to read them more...poetically/with emphasis, I understood more of the flow you were trying to achieve ( I think) - but none the less that makes the fight as a whole, harder to read. TOTAL Kri - 86 Faelene- 68 |
image credit to Paulo Brandão
