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10-10-2013, 12:32 AM
 B e l i a l | O n n i - - - - - By my verdict BELIAL is the winner. BELIAL -- post 1 (attack only) [Realism] + 1| Attack: charging her left side, horns stabbing + 1| Attack: tail flick distraction [Prose] - 1| Easy Read: some typos and dropped pronouns + 1| Emotion + 1| Flow ONNI -- post 1 [Realism] - 1| Defense: no mention of the tail slap + 1| Attack: kicking his left side + 1| Defense: gash to her left hip - 1| Injury: that she ran and leapt into the air with a forceful kick from her back legs, which you described in detail, without any mention of pain or struggle due to the injury seemed unrealistic, especially considering how you described the pain when it first occurred. + 1| Attack: diving with front hooves to flank [Prose] - 1| Easy Read: some typos and I had to read that last attack paragraph especially a few times + 1| Emotion + 1| Flow BELIAL -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Defense: kick causes right breast bruising - 1| Attack: biting at her hip - Onni had already since moved past this timeline in her last post, so this makes things very confusing. Also seems unlikely he could reach her with teeth if his long horn point was already gouging that same region at that moment and she was already moving away. + 1| Attack: leaping up to stab her with horns + 1| Defense: kick to his right hip/spine area causes large bruising, pain + 1| Attack: wild kicking - 1| Injury: after just describing how much it hurt being hit in the spine area, which although only a bruise would still definitely be incredibly painful, you have him running around and kicking immediately, at an opponent likely above him no less, requiring a lot of extension. It did not seem realistic that this would be his actions directly following a large injuty, especially not without any mention of the pain while doing it or how the injury hindered his actions from their otherwise full extent. [Prose] - 2| Easy read: some typos, dropped pronouns and I had to re-read the attack a few time to comprehend everything happening. + 1| Emotion + 1| Flow ONNI -- post 2 [Realism] - 1| Defense: taking bite to hip - this was such minor damage anyway and in such a weird backwards timeline, in a position that he really could not have been able to reach her, that there wasn’t a good reason to take this damage. + 2| Defense: turning back end into air to avoid horn - this totally took me by surprise and I thought was creative, although I do not think you used the ‘broken magic’ properly, but I will address that under the bonus section and simply judge this attack. + 1| Defense: taking some of the kick to her lower left side + 1| Attack: dives at his head [Prose] 0| Easy read: typos + 2| Emotion + 1| Flow BELIAL -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Attack: rears to kick + 1| Defense: struck on left side + 1| Injury: unable to hold the rear from injury on spine/hip 0| Attack: trying to grab her and yank her down - Although I can appreciate that you have limited options against a diving pegasus, and that Belial is acting out of rage more than reason, trying to grab something in the dark, moving very quickly, would not only just make him fall but hurtle him, probably strain his legs if he did get them around her, and just overall seems like walking in front of a moving car. However as I said I can understand your predicament and think it is an interesting attack in the least. + 1| Attack: trying to stab her neck [Prose] + 1| Easy read + 2| Emotion + 1| Flow ONNI -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Defense: struck in left shoulder - 2| Defense: no response to his attempt to grab her? You describe running into him basically, but it seems as if Onni is just half hovering in the air, since you say she kicks out with her hind feet towards him and that they avoid touching the ground, but that her front end has stopped and her wings are trying to hold the wind. None of this description includes him trying to drag her down, nor does it make sense that she would just be lingering in the air. They both should have gone tumbling into the ground if she did collide, she was going too fast to be able to recover, not to mention she still fulfilled the damage of her diving attack, and pegasus are really not capable of hovering or such repetitive diving so close to the ground - because of their weight and body shape, the best way to think about them is like an Albatross, needing a long wingspan for ample lift and lots of height/running room to get aloft. So just overall none of that seemed realistic or clear. + 1| Defense: face slice - 1| Attack: kicking back legs at him - the attack would good but the situation would never be plausible 0|| Attack: diving at his spine again - again the situation does not seem plausible, she is constantly able to swoop in low enough to hit him and then get back into the air, while she herself is injured, where does she have that stamina and physical capability? Not to mention it gives your opponent so little to work with to keep doing the exact same thing, out of their reach, continuously. [Prose] + 1| Easy read + 1| Emotion + 1| Flow BELIAL -- post 4 [Realism] - 1| Defense: kicked by her - seeing as she did collide right with him, he should have been knocked down and probably sent sliding, rendering her back leg kicking thing mostly useless, since she did not say he was able to hold onto her. - 1| Attack: rears up after her with horns - given the situation and all the pain you had just described, I don’t see how he has the strength in that moment to rise fast enough to deal this attack. + 1| Injury: falls over from the fast and unsteady rear - I’m so glad you did this, very realistic! + 1| Defense: dodges her dive - now that he’s had a moment to breathe and had his emotional moment of inspiration, getting up and moving seems much more plausible in this instance + 1| Attack: kicks out [Prose] + 1| Easy read + 2| Emotion + 1| Flow ONNI -- post 4 [Realism] + 1| Defense: cut on legs + 1| Defense: takes the kick + 1| Attack: Onni uses sand-attack! [Prose] + 1| Easy read + 2| Emotion + 1| Flow BELIAL -- post 5 (defense only) [Realism] + 1| Defense: sand-attack does not affect Belial! BELIAL [Bonus] + 1| Breed + 1| Surroundings [Injuries] None [Creativity] + 1| I liked you utilizing their wall for hiding in the first post. Comments: You had really beautiful writing that was a great joy to read, and although I can see that Belial is not normally an expressive character, you did manage a lot of emotion through him even still. At times the dropped pronouns did take away from your writing as far as correct grammar and clarity, and in a few instances you did not specify exact sides of where an attack or defense was occurring, but overall everything was easy to understand. You have a good mind for the mechanics of a fight, but I would like to see you hindered by your injuries more often and have more mention of the surroundings and differences in their breeds and builds. Great fight though, you’re very good at using your horns as an effective unicorn. ONNI [Bonus] + 1| Breed + 2| Surroundings + 1| Health - 1| Magic: the broken magic plot was meant to have magic break/backfire/go out of control/cause harm etc. which did not happen with your magic defense. Instead your magic was used entirely to your advantage, allowing you not only a complete dodge of a powerful attack but a continued advancement of your own powerful attack. [Injuries] None [Creativity] None Comments: You have a great way of really beginning your posts with something lovely and emotional, and then ending them with something inspiring that gets to all the feelings, with well written fighting in-between. You even have the mind to remember surroundings more often than most fighters, though I would have liked to see more effects from her injuries throughout the whole fight and more comparisons between their different breeds and builds. Although you usually have a very strong grasp on fight mechanics, I think that in this particular one you were either rushed or stretching the limits too much with all the physical abilities of a pegasus (which you even said yourself was not the best flier) and the effects of an impact from a quickly diving horse. At times your writing also seemed smooth then not, seeming quickly posted, because I have read other fights by you that are gorgeous. I think perhaps this was just a time crunch case. Overall though it’s clear you're an experienced and very capable fighter! TOTAL BELIAL - 72 ONNI - 69  |
Belial has been awarded +1VP
