The Lamb and the Lioness

[JUDGED] The Lamb and the Lioness

Official Posts: 847

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Stallion :: Equine :: ::

Official

#10

12-19-2013, 04:02 PM

H O T A R U | T I N G A L
- - - - -
By my verdict HOTARU is the winner.

Hotaru does not receive any VP, due to her being under the age of 2.

Hotaru -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Horn jab to Tingal's right shoulder/chest area.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Flow.

Tingal -- post 1

[Realism]
0| Defense: No direction indicated as to which way Tingal moved.
+ 1| Attack: Bite towards her withers.
0| Attack: What does 'throwing myself at her left' entail? Is he body slamming? Teeth? Claws? What part of her?
+ 1| Attack: Bite towards her hind end.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
- 1| Flow: This was really confusing: I reared up, chasing after Ru, attempting to throw myself at her left. She is galloping straight at Tingal, and then presumably runs by him after he bites her. What's the point of the 'rear'? There's no mention of him turning around, so how could he chase her?
+ 1| Easy Read.

Hotaru -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Scratch from her hindquarters to her croup.
+ 1| Attack: Crow-hop towards Tingal's right elbow and shoulder.
- 1| Dropped Attack: No mention of Tingal's lunge towards her.
- 1| Dropped Attack: No mention of Tingal's bite towards her hind end. For both of these, I know that she stopped short - meaning she would evade them, but this needs to be explicitly stated.
+ 1| Attack: Horn attack to his right thigh.
0| Attack: Bite. If you hadn't written 'simultaneously' I would have given you +1 here, but if this attack really is simultaneous with her horn attack, she can't be biting him. The bite would occur seconds after - hence why 'simultaneously' become problematic.
+ 1| Attack: Kick to Tingal's right hind leg.

[Prose]
+ 1|: Emotion
0| Flow:
+ 1| Easy Read.

Tingal -- post 2

[Realism]
- 1| Counter-attack/Injury: Hotaru crow hops almost right away, once she feels that Tingal is going to bite her. There isn't time for him to #1 See the wound he created #2 Frown about it and then #3 Lower his head and try to grab her leg.
+ 1| Attack: Kicking sand
0| Defense: I swung my weight to the side, hoping to slam her down using my strength. ... what side?
- 1|Injury: Her horn still poked into my skin, but I didn’t mind. You didn't mind? Of course you would mind! There's also no mention of the severity.
- 1| Dropped Attack: No mention of her bite.
- 1| Dropped Attack: No mention of her kick with her forelegs (you mention it later, but this is chronologically where it occurs).
+ 1| Attack: Bite to her hindquarter again.
- 1| Attack: Kick. Originally when Hotaru was running away, you said Tingal aimed to hit her left side. That means they were facing the same direction, with him on her left. She stops abruptly, and he turns around to face her. That means she is now on his left side, but because they are facing each other, it is her left side as well - so he couldn't kick towards the right side of her face. She also writes her post as attacking him three times right away - her head wouldn't be in range for this sort of attack.
+ 1| Attack: Teeth to her left side.
0| Defense: Spinning around, I did a small rear, trying to protect my stomach. Rearing would leave your stomach unprotected.
+ 1| Defense: Kicking water.

[Prose]
+ 1| Reason.
0| Emotion: I wasn't a fighter, not at all. I wasn't built for battle, nope, nope, nope! I wanted to talk Ru into stopping this, stop making me her doll. Not a doll to play with, a doll to torture. Tear me up; use me as a way to take out her rage. I wasn't going to be one of those; I didn't want to be one. I wanted to be her friend, her guardian, not her big fat punching bag. I really liked this (hence why it's a 0, and not a -1) - but if this is how Tingal really feels, why does he keep fighting her? Why isn't he yelling at her to stop? To ask why she's doing this in the first place?
- 1| Flow: The timing was off in this post, and it made it very confusing. Hotaru wrote that she stopped, then immediately lunged forward and attacked three times right away. You wrote it as if there was more time between when she stopped to her first attack, and acted as if Tingal had time between her attacks to act, when she wrote that he wouldn't have.

Tingal -- post 3

[Realism]
- 1| Injury: I’m oblivious to her bite to my thigh. You aren't a robot, and it isn't cold enough for you to be numb. There's no way you'd be oblivious to this attack.
- 1| Attack: I grumbled as I snapped my teeth in the air, trying to grab a piece of her flesh. Anything would suffice right now; I would probably snag her back or rump. But that was if she was still in front of me. .... There's no directionality, nor is there any indication of where chronologically this happens in the fight.
- 1| Attack: As our bodies reached one another, I threw myself head on, twisting my neck to bite her neck, my body being thrown at hers. This doesn't make sense to me - are you throwing yourself directly at her? Which side of her neck are you biting?
0| Attack: Bite towards her back. No mention of what side you're passing her on, or where the bite is meant to land.
+ 1| Injury: Buck

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion: Her body looks so smooth and perfect, but then there were the cuts along her, interrupting the beauty. I was the one who had ruined it. I was the one. HNGGGGGGG.
- 1| Flow: Again, this was really hard to read. Sentences like, As I pass her, I turn parallel to her... don't make sense. If you're passing her, you ARE parallel.
0| Easy Read:

Hotaru -- post 4

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Tingal's bite.
+ 1| Attack: Horn to Tingal's left shoulder
0| Defense: I don't think she could have reasonably avoided his bite. It might have been lessened, since the area was lower than expected, but I think force + momentum would have allowed him to make some contact.
+ 1| Injury: Kick to her leg.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy Read.

Tingal -- post 4

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Ru's horn attack.
- 1| Defense: In your original post, Tingal did not rear and flail his legs, therefore, you cannot go back and write him as doing that in response to Hotaru.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion.
+ 1| Flow.
+ 1| Easy Read.

Hotaru -- post 5 (defense only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Injury: Tingal's flailing hooves.

Hotaru

[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed Comparison: You were very aware of what you thought the strengths and weaknesses of both Hotaru and Tingal were within the fight!
+ 1| Surroundings: Good use of surroundings.

[Injuries]
0

[Creativity]
Nothing of note.

Comments: Really great job! I liked how almost mechanical Ru's thoughts seemed - like when everything just seemed to get quiet before her first attack.

Tingal

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed Comparison: Good awareness of their breed differences.
+ 2| Surroundings: Tingal used his surroundings a number of times to his advantage in this spar.

[Creativity]
Nothing of note.

Comments: Great spar! Be careful of the timing of attacks. Sometimes it's helpful to write out what your opponent has done, and reply in sequence. I found in your posts that you would try and insert new emotion in a different post, or re-write attacks which makes things very awkward and difficult to read.

TOTAL
Hotaru- 75
Tingal- 56