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10-21-2013, 08:35 AM
By my verdict OXY is the winner!
Oxy is awarded 1 VP
Oxy is awarded 1 VP
SOLACE
Realism [0]
- Timing of the attacks. If Oxy had just Solace's neck (and presumably would have continued on forward), I can't see there being time to bite his throat - it would be his back or sides most likely. Also this attack didn't have a direction, it was just "aimed for his side".
- A wound split open on his side, and blood began to drip down. Hopefully that wouldn’t scar. Horses hooves aren't razor blades. If this attack was strong enough to make you think his side would be split open, most likely it would be fractured or broken a rib.
- Took a lot of damage which was realistic in the sense that Oxy's attack was a critical hit. - post 2
- Need a direction. flinging both of his hind legs at his the other stallion - post 2
- He turned toward the other stallion and attempted to bite down on him once again, following close behind was his own hoof, mimicking the other stallion’s move. He aimed his hoof slightly higher than the pastern, which Solace assumed his opponent had aimed for.
To finish things off he put all his strength behind using his shoulder for one last blow
What. Where are all these attacks aimed? How long is in between them?
Emotion [-2]
- Horses getting full on knocked off their feet is a big deal, but Solace's only reaction was: Damn, I’m a lot rustier than I thought - this would have been a great place to interject a lot
Prose [-4]
- He noticed his the slight tipsiness to his step - post 1
- due o the stallion’s superior strength. - post 1
- It would probably give him a god bruise - Post 2
- For the moment he would pus away the thought of pain - post 3
Readability [+0]
- Post was acknowledged to be short and museless, and it really came across that way. - post 1
- No directionality in this post made it really hard to read, and figure out what was going on. - post 2
Final Comments: I really think you need to slow down when writing spar posts. My first suggestion would be to ensure that your posts are grammatical and free of spelling errors - and then setting your sights on directionality of your attacks and really trying to describe what Solace is thinking. There were a few times where I could see your trying to write him with emotion, but it read rushed and hurried, and didn't leave a lasting impression while I was reading your posts. Really great effort though - you have a great base to work with here!
Finally tally: 6HP - 6 = 0HP
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OXY
Realism [+2]
Emotion [+1]
Really great emotion throughout.
Prose [+2]
+1 - You almost laugh, but then remember this isn't really funny at all. After all, you're still stumbling over your own feet. lol
Readability [+2]
At fist I was thrown off by the narration style, but you did a great job of making things clear. However there were many times that directional clues were not given, that made me go, HUH? Where is he attacking?
Final Comments Great spar! I really like how you write Oxy - his attitude and personality really seems to come through. I would suggest spending a little more time on describing the directionality and timing of your attacks. Sometimes it felt muddled. Also - just because you rolled damage, doesn't mean it has to come from your opponent! There were a few instances where I thought it was unrealistic for Oxy to have taken the damage that he did - keep in mind that he can also take damage from stumbling, or the surrounding landscape!
Finally tally: 15.5HP +3 = 18.5HP
