Something huge, black, and cavernous opened up in my chest, because my heart was done breaking and it would only break for Jiji anyway, so that was that. But something else was ruined in me regardless as I listened to her speak, hearing her describe how literally everyone and their mom had left the Foothills. Includingmy Ma. My Ma.

I was in free fall. Everything I stood on and stood for fell to pieces in that instant, because they were gone. Okay, maybe not everyone, but there was no denying that there was a great chasm where a good chunk of my childhood resided. I remember that fool Mr. Archiballs (I legit thought that’s what his name was when I was young and stupider, and it makes me laugh so I’ll call him that forever in my head) and I guess I sorta-maybe-kinda remember the dark Ms. CC, whoever she actually was. Whether I knew them or not wasn’t the point, though; they were pillars of my past, the background of my childhood portrait. They were there, always there. They were the Foothills--them and Ma and Auntie, all of them, they were the land that colored my life now and always. And they were gone?

Goddamnit.

It was a blow; I took a step back from Jiji, breathless by the news. My stomach clenched in a nauseatingly painful way. I swallowed; I swallowed again, looking up in Jiji’s eyes a little desperately. Yeah, I was desperate—maybe going a little crazy. Jiji can drive me nuts when she wants to, and maybe she didn’t want to now, but it was happening and there was nothing she could do to stop it because she was left alone, all alone, and there was nothing i could do stop it or change my Ma or my Auntie’s decision to leave her and it was cutting me up inside to know—

--to know I was about to do the exact same thing.

*"Unless.... I go with you?"*

“…Yeah,” I finally managed, something shaking in my voice and probably in my eyes too, “Come with me. We’ll…we’ll see this land, Ji. We’ll see more than some grass and some godawful sand or whatever the hell. We’ll see things and do other stuff and—Jiji,” I took a step closer to her, almost panting in my excitement, in my fear for her and my anxiety, “—I couldn’t stand it if I left you all alone, Ji. I just couldn’t. Ma and Auntie are gone and I know Big Toto left already and I just….I…” After that, I began to choke on my own helplessness. Because I knew I was a fuck-up—I had warned her of this, and she had accepted it. But it still left a grossnasty taste in my mouth to think about abandoning her again, even if I knew I wasn’t actually leaving her behind in my mind and spirit. What if something happened; what if I wasn’t there to protect her from some shit?

I would just break. To hell with the world and all who live in it, who need the Gods and their unwavering devotion. If something happened to Jiji and I wasn’t there to stop it, it would all burn.



@[Ranjiri]