The rigor of sieges allowed him to show his true art, painting the battlefield with his heathen brushstrokes, with his molten, infernal haze, a bloody tapestry, an ichored canvas, elegance and machinations through insurrection, violence, and brutality. He relished in the ambience, in the resonance, in the relentless persecution of others, eternally aiming to unravel, through unholy ferocity, nefarious barbs, and merciless assaults. Unfortunately, when sparring with his own brethren, he couldn’t afford the complete, distorted grandeur of his vigor, of his mutiny, of his barbarity, and so they were shown pieces, snippets, and fragments of his prowess – rarely, unless truly irked and incised, would he layer and lacquer his patriots in the whole fortitude of his loathing and contempt. Even Illynx, battering his loyalty, his adherence, in front of a massive crowd, couldn’t sway him to entirely ruin her, lead her into the void of withering corpses, drying, decaying flesh, and warped, bleached bones. He’d play the role of General again, schooling his soldiers, unfolding the practice of his oeuvre until they too seemingly mastered the role, the conviction, the study of savagery.
She followed his command, polished the Basin floor with swift, quick motions, and he, the silent tempest, awaited the rush of the storm. Tricky and conniving, she seemingly sought to transfix and delude, a pointed dagger thrust towards his left barrel, while the reach of her hind pivoted to find purchase on his frame – instinct drove him towards the right, to avoid the slash of her sword, the puncture of her malice. He wasn’t saved from the feint, and the blow of her hooves bruised upon his left shoulder, pummeling and unwinding, a force that billowed and pervaded across his mind. Foolish, to be seared into believing a rapier was going to descend upon his flesh, when it was her hooves that mustered the true attack. He clenched his jaw, briefly, felt the enamel of his ivories sink into their bottom layers in one burst of frustration, before he was forced to resume the defense of his figure.
The gilded lady came again, drawing towards his left once more, displaying her sword for the second time, and the beast pondered whether she was going to truly wield it. Was she an asp, like her predecessor, sliding over the ice and rime, wielding lies and specious qualities, amidst her movements? Her motions held true, this time, and he tucked the notion in the back of his mind, into the designed ruses and diligent schemes. No more pretenses, no more duplicity, gesturing towards his left shoulder with her golden cutlass, and he strived to swerve right again, leaning more heavily on his right side as the left still suffered from the previous, aching blow. However, instead of a cut, a piercing, puncturing laceration, he felt the brief, stinging smack of the horn upon his already punishing bruise.
Was she also not intending to maim him?
Rather than muddle in the murk and mire of confusion, he grasped hold of the opportunity to prove his own convictions, precision and might. Seeking purchase on the dewy, frost-laden grass, he leaned back upon his left (his shoulder yearned to argue with him on that particular choice; it was ignored with a reticent brow and a swarming buzz of pain), and aimed to collide his frame with her right side. Though around the same height, she was far more lithe, limber, and sleek than he, and the depths of his strategy embarked upon the idea that his stature could be enough to impact hers: perhaps toss her amongst the cold valley of the Basin, flicker and fold upon the earth. Amidst his sudden force, he also intended to ensnare his ivories along the flesh of her neck (upon the right portion of her crest, to bend and fold against his power).
[Deimos is using the buffs BULK and SWIFT.
639 words. 1/3 + 0/1 magic used.
Deceived by Illynx’s first move, Deimos swerves right to avoid her horn, and still ends up getting hit by her kick in his left shoulder. Frustrated, he has to defend himself soon thereafter, and he motions right once more as she seeks to use her horn on his flesh. He feels the smack of her horn against his left shoulder again, and the already forming bruise ensures he feels the sting even stronger.
For his own opportunity, Deimos uses their close proximity to lean upon his left side again, despite the aches and pains, and intends to use his bulk and collide into her smaller frame. He also reaches out to nip the right side of her crest.]
OOC Comments:
Woohoo, training spar time! Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to support my fellow Basiner, and also help with my own writing. ☺
First things first: what you did well. I like the steel and fortitude of Illynx, the composure, the resolve, and the determination. You outline her methods, motivations and convictions well, describing her prior experiences, and allowing us to see her thoughts on the manner of this upcoming skirmish. We know she’s not a shrinking violet, and that comes across to your audience.
Now, some things that stood out to me that could perhaps be corrected or enhanced:
Word Choice. You need to be very careful with how you lay out your attacks, because one slip-up (trust me, been there, done that) could earn you borderline-powerplay deductions, and we don’t want that to happen.
For instance: Streams of ebony locks cascaded behind her as she drove hard to the left of the man before her, utilizing her speed to dash quickly along his side, slowing her momentum as she reached where she assumed his middle section would be. You say “reached” his middle section, but that should be up to the other roleplayer to determine if she actually made it to his barrel or not. Instead of “reached”, you could fix the sentence to say: Streams of ebony locks cascaded behind her as she drove hard to the left of the man before her, utilizing her speed to dash quickly along his side, slowing her momentum as she intended to reach where she assumed his middle section would be. Fixing that one little line with showing or displaying that she’s trying to get to that area can alleviate you from possible deductions.
Description of Attacks. I had a really hard time following some particular motions and movements because either they lacked a specific direction, had a direction but got lost in reading the entire sentence, or I just got confused (which, sadly, happens a lot).
As an example: Feinting as if she would strike out with the blade of her namesake, the mare's head pulled towards his frame even as her hind end pivoted around to send her hooves out towards his charcoal flesh; it was a bold move to not open with her golden dagger, forelegs spread for grip and sliding ever so slightly on the dew-laden grass of the Valley that shimmered beneath the bloody rise of the sun, but it would seem her Gods were with her on this day as she did not tumble down into the arms of the emerald sea. This sentence is really long, which, granted, I do a lot of too (I’m guilty!), but it also had my head swimming trying to find what I needed to decipher. You have a lot going on in one sentence, from feinting, to pulling her head towards his frame, to pivoting her hind end around, boldness and forelegs gripping, and it kept running and going and my head went @___@. I have to remind myself, especially in battles, to shorten and simplify. Don’t be afraid to split some pieces up – it’ll still keep the speed of the battle, and also make it easier to comprehend. When you re-read, if something sounds like it just keeps running and running, its time to restructure.
Another instance: Drawing back around to the left, her back hooves bite into the night-chilled earth as her fore-end rises from the ground several inches to allow her to lunge back around towards Deimos, hoping that he had assumed she would continue forward away from him and would be open to an assault on his nearest shoulder or the ribs; attempting to avoid any punctures to his velvet coat, her horn is angled to smack rather than pierce. where I was confused with the lack of directions (also what is a fore-end?). Your first attack had them, but this one only seemed to indicate left at the beginning of the sentence, but I wasn’t sure whose left. I was forced to assume you meant Deimos’, and took the actions from there. You want to ensure clarity. Include those directions all the time, every time!
Whoosh, I think that’s it! Looking forward to your next post. ☺ Please don't hesitate to PM or Skype me if anything was unclear or confusing.
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[JUDGED] Iron Indignation [Training Spar]
