.svg/2000px-Google_Chrome_icon_(2011).svg.png){kind=icon}
 I l l y n x | P a r a l i a - - - - - By my verdict ILLYNX is the winner. Illynx receives 2 VP for completely a teaching spar. ILLYNX -- post 1 (attack only) [Realism] + 1| Attack: Runs into Paralia [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Flow. + 1| Easy read. PARALIA -- post 1 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Gets knocked over by Illynx. + 1| Attack: Uses the mud to her advantage, and slides to kick at Illynx. [Prose] + 1| Emotion: + 1| Flow. 0| Easy read: Spelling/Grammar ILLYNX -- post 2 [Realism] 0| Injury: Paralia is aiming for her chest - I don't see how (and you don't write to explain), how she ended up hitting her hip: Her hind hooves connect with Illynx's left hip. - 1| Borderline PP: This is too declarative: she'd begun her assault on the mare's left hip. + 1| Attack: Horn to Paralia's wing joint. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Flow: + 1| Easy read: PARALIA -- post 2 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Illynx's horn attack to her back. Oh no! + 1| Injury: Horn to her wing joint. + 1| Attack: Lunges into Illynx. [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Flow. + 1| Easy read. ILLYNX -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Injury: Flailing pegasus body! + 1| Attack: Knees/forelegs to Paralia's side. Oh my! [Prose] + 1| Emotion. + 1| Flow. + 1| Easy read: PARALIA -- post 3 [Realism] + 1| Attack: Tries to bite at Illynx's legs. + 1| Injury: Broken bones. + 1| Attack: Lashes out with her legs. [Prose] + 1| Emotion: AHH Q___Q She would not go down begging for her life, she would not allow this unicorn to murder her while she wept for mercy. She was a fighter, her mother had named her so, and she would show this bitch who she really was.. + 1| Flow. 0| Easy read: Spelling/Grammar. ILLYNX -- post 4 (defense only) [Realism] + 1| Injury: Minor bite. + 1| Defense: "prances around her flailing legs" - lol. I can picture it. ILLYNX [Bonus] + 1| Breed. + 1| Terrain. [Injuries] +1| : Least injured. [Creativity] Nothing of note. Comments: Great job. I would keep in mind wording - there are times your writing comes across as being fairly declarative. I would have liked to have more information at the beginning - you had decided Paralia would get beaten up, but I would have liked to see more emotion from Illynx, about just randomly attacking someone. Although her lines at the end were superb! Paralia [Bonus] 0| Breed. + 1| Terrain. [Injuries] -1 Broken bones. [Creativity] Nothing of note. Comments: If you have a head ache/aren't feeling well, you can definitely put off posting. You have 3 weeks to complete each post in a spar, so if you aren't feeling up to it, just wait! All of your posts had great fundamentals - there was emotion, background, attacks and defense. You have great building blocks from which to grow. If you take more time, envision the fight more (and maybe run your posts through spell checker first ;) ) I think you'll be well on your way! Great spar! TOTAL Illynx - 67 Paralia - 65  |
HELOVIA || The Way to the Sun
›
Out of Character
›
Archives
›
Battle Archives
⇒
[JUDGED] feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia]
⇒
[JUDGED] feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia]
the Rift
|
[JUDGED] feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia]
|
|||
| |||
|
« Next Oldest | Next Newest »
|
| Messages In This Thread |
|
feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Illynx - 12-10-2013, 03:13 PM
RE: feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Parelia - 12-10-2013, 11:03 PM
RE: feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Illynx - 12-12-2013, 12:26 PM
RE: feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Parelia - 12-17-2013, 08:11 PM
RE: feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Illynx - 12-18-2013, 11:10 AM
RE: feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Parelia - 12-18-2013, 02:30 PM
RE: feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Illynx - 12-18-2013, 11:34 PM
RE: feathers line my pillowcase; [Illynx v. Parelia] - by Official - 01-16-2014, 04:03 PM
|
