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01-18-2014, 02:35 AM
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I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I thought that the return of darkness, the disappearance of my youngest daughter, the likely destruction of my home - I thought that all of that had been enough turmoil. I thought it was the world's way of telling me that I should just stop trying. But this - this - of all things, breaks me. I have been unfaithful, I have tried to forget him. Gods, I thought that he had left me behind, like everyone else - I have blamed him for that. For all I know, he's been trying his hardest to return to me, and I was too busy running around with Gaucho to care... Am I even happy to see him? I don't know, but that truth terrifies me, and I cannot bring myself to face it. I swallow hard to rid my throat of the nausea that has risen, to bite back the bile that has come with my self-loathing. Note starts to apologize; his emotions are written so clearly across his face, and I long to fall into his embrace, to pretend that the last seasons never happened - and, perhaps, if not for my own transgressions, it would be that easy. Tears well as I realize that I have dug my own grave. All of my failures, all of my sins, all of my wrongs - it all washes over me, and in that moment I realize that I am not good. I am not pure. I do not deserve nice things, and that is why they never last for me. I'm paralyzed with the truth of my own inadequacy. And then he stumbles, and my heart catches in my throat, and some buried, nurturing instinct takes over. I move forward, a step at a time, almost against my will, for does he not deserve to know why I cannot greet him as I should? Should I not explain how I have wronged him? Can I truly stay quiet and act as though all is as it should be, when it is oh-so-very-clearly not? Suddenly I am standing too close, and I am shrugging my way beneath the wing on the side not occupied by Sabel, and, "Lean on me," I tell him quietly, my voice laden with the tumultuous emotions roiling within. I grit my teeth and choke back the tears threatening to overflow. "Talk talk talk." @[name] |
| Sohalia Don't wanna leave this life knowing I barely tried... |
