OXY
Realism [+4]
You had wonderful attacks and defenses both with positioning and timing. Everything was very easy to visualize and make sense of for the given situation, from start to stop in this fight. Excellent job! I would like to see you utilize your surroundings more, not just explaining them as in the first post but considering their effect - the hallucinations started this, but especially with this terrain of scattered rocks I would have expected some tripping, pain from quick, agile movements since the rocks would not have yielded etc. Also consider how the opponents different heights and bloodlines affect the fight! Great job though :)


Emotion [+3]
I was so absorbed in each and everyone one of your posts. You sprinkled a magnitude of emotion all throughout your writing that really had me feeling alongside Oxy. Outstanding job with the emotion.


Prose [+4]
Your style flowed very well and it was a pleasant read.


Readability [+3]
Everything was well described and easy to understand.


Finally tally: 15.5+14= 29.5 HP


ELSA
Realism [-2]
You have some good attacks and defenses, but there were times when your choice of action did not make sense for the scenario. For instance when you reared in response to Oxy’s buck, or when you did that small rear in response to his ram, in both cases the rearing would not have helped you and instead have made you a more unbalanced and easier target to hit. Additionally horses do not ‘go for the jugular’ the way predators do. Because we are human minds playing in horse bodies we definitely understand the neck is a delicate area and it is a good choice for attack, but more so for crushing a windpipe than ripping it apart, because horse’s teeth are very blunt and limited in that aspect. I think you could work on balancing your damage a bit more, because you focused very heavily on a small, passing bite, but then did not describe the body ram or the impact of Oxy’s hooves, which have metal horse shoes on them, when he bucked at you. Additionally you had a small instance of power play in your first post: “...with tears as he pulled away” - Oxy only said he aimed to bite her, not that he was going to rip away, who knows he might have stayed clamped down on her? Remember you can only decide your charcter’s actions.

I can see you have a lot of potential, but I think you would do well to study the way horses naturally fight and play (YouTube is a great resource!), to read through other spars on site, and as always, practice, practice, practice :)


Emotion [+1]
There were moments when you had some emotion in your posts, but mostly you were telling me how Elsa felt rather than showing me. With your references to her past and her failures as a queen, don’t just tell me these things happened, help me re-live them. What triggered her memory of failure, was it that she missed an attack on Oxy? How does that failure make her feel, anxious, nervous, frightened? How do those feelings impact her responses at the current point in time? Does she fail to see Oxy’s maneuver in time because she’s overanalyzing herself, because she’s too afraid to act soon enough in case she fails? Really explore how one thing causes a spider web of feelings and responses to draw the reader into your character further.


Prose [+2]
Overall your posts had clear enough grammar and transition, but the writing felt very conversational and in layman’s terms. If that was the style you were going for, then that’s fine, but you’d have other moments where you were using higher vocabulary and description, so then it collided somewhat. Especially with Elsa’s character, I would anticipate a more refined sort of narrative and inner voice, being raised with royalty and being very serious, not as carefree and conversational.
Example, from post 1 of what I mean by conversational: ”Why did he have to be a draft, like seriously, why couldn’t he be a tiny mouthed pony?”
Example, from post, of more refined: ”Her eyes blistered with tears as he pulled away, tearing some hair of her thickening coat. Where the hair had been pulled small droplets of blood escaped her body, staining the hair around the wound a rusty color. A large, purpling bruise was also quickly to follow, signaling the damage.”’’

It tended to interrupt the flow of reading and made it more difficult to become part of the character and the fight. I know she’s a newer character though so the more you post with her the more comfortable you’ll become with writing her :)


Readability [+2]
Your posts were clear and understandable, but I would encourage you to provide more direction cues with attacks/defenses (right, left, front, behind, parallel, perpendicular) as you would at times include them and other times not, and you had a few typos.


Finally tally: 23+3= 26 HP