the Rift


[JUDGED] French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron]

Oxy the Addict Posts: 322
Hidden Account atk: 5.5 | def: 7.5 | dam: 8
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2hh :: 9 [Tallsun] HP: 73.5 | Buff: DANCE
Unnamed :: Common Boggart :: Mayhem Sevin
#5
Maybe you should give your little companion more credit for what she does... Maybe. You wouldn't want to be premature with any praise but she's done you a great service. At least this time. Whatever the hell was so upsetting about that egg- you're still not really sure- gives you that moment, that instant, that you need to get yourself close to the unicorn and safely around his sword. And with your biggest hurdle cleared, it's no surprise that your right shoulder rams into his. You relish the way the pain reverberates through your muscles, drink in the feeling of that new bruise that will form under your skin. It's give and take, a double edged sword- pain for him but you must take pain to yourself. You do not mind. Whether it's the drugs or the sunlight or something else, you are strangely happy on this day and nothing will bring you down.

Even so, accepting of the wound or not, your shoulder still twinges when you move, the muscles tightening down and restricting motion. You do not particularly relish the feeling but you use the pain as a motivator. It drives you forward, hindlimbs gathering beneath you as you push forward, your body fighting to stay upright after the return of your beloved locoweed. It's been so long, too long, since you have lived under her influence. And detox... you shudder to think of it once more. Already, you've made a promise to yourself that you'll never go without the drug again. Already, you've done your best to return your body to the pleasantly high state that you so enjoy. What you didn't count on was the difficulty of getting back into the rhythm and sway of things. You thought it would come naturally, that your muscles would remember all the right ways of holding you up against gravity. You guess you were wrong, because this is proving to be rather difficult.

Suddenly, there is a chaotic explosion of motion. The unicorn reaches out, biting, snapping, grabbing for your companion. And while she may be but a wisp of a creature, invisible at most times, you have learned very well that they feel pain. You are reminded of this fact when your thoughts are suddenly overpowered by childish emotions, the boggart suffering from the bite and feeling very afraid, rushing away from the scene of the fight as quickly as she can. The sudden explosion of extracorporeal feelings is enough, just enough, to distract you. You miss the distinctive tightening of gluteal muscles that indicate a buck about to happen. Damn her to high hell for getting in the way. Your lips turn to a scowl. So much for that good mood.

The unicorn's hooves fly off the ground and you throw your legs underneath you, trying to skid to a stop, not yet past his hind end. It's too much; you're too big. His hooves barely brush your fur, causing no damage, but it is not his hooves that are the problem. Your right shoulder, with already tight muscles, is assaulted again, new pain firing up the limb, although not much worse than before. As for your left shoulder, the old injury there is reawakened. It is just a whisper of pain now, a reminder of the wound that the crazy gray mare inflicted upon you, but you are coming to realize it is a wound that will plague you for the rest of your life. You make a note to find her and kill her later. For now, you've got this unicorn to take care of.

Lunging forward and to the left, you return his favor and throw your limbs into a buck, pushing past the pain it causes due to placing all of your weight on your front limbs. You care not where your hooves hit, if they hit at all, but you were at least trying to aim for his rib cage. When your hooves reach solid ground again, you waste no time. You immediately begin to circle back to the left, hoping you'll be quick enough to make it back to him before he takes off. The turn seems almost agonizingly slow to you, your body nearly tipping outwards, the locoweed still playing its dangerous tricks on your balance. Somehow you manage to save yourself and you complete your 180 degree turn, hoping to face perpendicular to the Gray's right side. Almost blindly, you reach out with teeth bared, snapping and biting, trying to grab his flesh and pinch him, bruise him, assault him. Let him enjoy that pain.

Around you, the willow branches blow gently in the breeze, protesting the violence you've brought to their intimate lands. You're deaf to their pleas to stop; the sounds of battle have invaded your ears.


Post| 2/3
WC| 800


Comments| Font looks better, thank you! Now to the fun stuff! The first thing I notice is that you still had a couple hundred words left to use. It isn't always a bad thing to write less, but if you've got them you'll definitely want to consider using them. At this point it's hard for me to tell if you did a good job translating dice roll damage to actual damage. You give only one sentence about the pain and then sort of ignore it for the rest of the post. Right now there is no concrete description of the damage so I don't know if it is transient or longer lasting, if it is going to cause him to limp or if there is just bruising, if it's muscle or bone, etc. Those are good things to consider when trying to describe a wound.

I'd also like to see more description of Ciceron's reaction and emotion regarding the hit. It's not that you don't give it to me- you do, saying that he's angry; however, you also use the word detest and I find that to be interestingly strong. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, I just find it interesting, but there's little to back it up. Does he hate being tricked? Does he know Oxy from somewhere else and just thinks he's the worst thing ever? Does he hate drug addicts? How much did he love that egg? Why? Obviously those specific questions won't be applicable in every post, but questions like that can really help you put into words the emotions that Ciceron is feeling; being able to write those emotions down is important since emotion has its own category on the rubric. I do get the sense that you're aware of the need for emotion in the battle posts and are trying to give it, but I don't feel especially drawn into it. Sometimes it's actions that speak louder than descriptions. If Ciceron detests Oxy then let him show that detest- fight dirty, go for the tender spots, really throw Ciceron into the attacks with his whole body- stuff along that lines. Unless, of course, he is a noble warrior and won't fight dirty even against the man who killed his mother. And if that's the case, let us know that. Let us know he's struggling with wanting to smash Oxy to pieces but follows a higher moral code.

I also think that Ciceron's choice to buck was an interesting one. I know he turned to look at the egg, but even so, if Oxy has hit him in the shoulder then he would be closer to Ciceron's front end, very unlikely to be hit by the hind hooves. I have a hard time picturing things in my head, so I always make sure to read over the positioning areas two or three times to make sure I have it right in my head; I recommend that everyone else do this too, just to know where their opponent really is.

On the topics of readability and prose, I don't have much to say. I didn't see any glaring punctuation or grammar mistakes and the writing was clear and easy to follow. Let me know if this was helpful- I want to make sure I'm helping you in a way that is useful to you, so if you need me to give my comments in a different format let me know.
Permission granted to use magic or physical force with Oxy at any time for any reason to any degree, with the exception of killing him.

Please do not tag Oxy unless it is in an opening post


Messages In This Thread
French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Oxy - 03-07-2014, 10:14 PM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 03-10-2014, 07:28 PM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Oxy - 03-12-2014, 10:41 PM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 03-24-2014, 08:52 PM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Oxy - 03-28-2014, 11:29 AM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 03-28-2014, 09:04 PM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Oxy - 04-13-2014, 11:16 PM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 04-26-2014, 02:43 AM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Oxy - 05-06-2014, 05:07 PM
RE: French Kisses [Spar- Ciceron] - by Official - 05-20-2014, 10:16 PM

Forum Jump:


RPGfix Equi-venture