Aurelia
Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

"aurelia talk"
After I backed away, I was still only inches from his ivory fur. I could smell him. His scent is invigorated. It's much like Vodka to Rostislav-- addicting. It would be easy for me to say Mauja is addicting, but I'm sure Mauja would be really surprised, and maybe a little freaked-out. With a held-out breath (that seemed more like a sigh), Mauja's eyes shut. For a moment, I wonder if he feels like I do. Not love, but invisibility and loneliness. I doubt Mauja loves. He seems to cold for that. He's far gone, down a path I don't want to take.

I make the mistake of saying his name once more, and he must hear the loneliness and want in my voice. His beautiful eyes flick open, and I wonder what he is thinking. What does he want to happen? Does he really want to be left alone? He inches away from me, and I am left in the cold of this night. The warmth that he gave me fades away and the ice settles in. Me, the girl with the fire magic, cold. "Don't," Now it's my turn to sigh slightly. I'm disappointed. I wanted so much more. I don't want to feel lonely anymore, and it's not like sleeping around fills the void in my heart.

I am destined to be alone. I'm destined for mediocrity. I could easily find a stallion to settle down with, but that stallion won't be what I want. I want what I can't have. What I look for is unattainable. I could play the role of the innocent, but on the inside I'll always feel like I am rotting away. The innocent do not even get what I want. Queens and Kings get what I want. They get a throne, a partner, and an entire herd tending to their needs. For me, I have myself and Shilva. This is all I have and this is all I'll ever have. No one wants a hot-headed mare that does things her own way.

His gaze flicked to the sky as words fell from his mouth. "I'm sorry. I did not think of what it might mean to you." I do not look at Mauja anymore. Instead, I look at the sand around my front hooves. "No one ever does." I take a small step away from him. He doesn't want the closeness I can offer. He doesn't want it. In a sense, I am hurt. Even Mauja doesn't think of my feelings. This upsets me because he is usually so intuitive and thoughtful. He picks up on things quickly, I think. "You don't realize the effect you have on me, Mauja." My voice wavers slightly. I've never confessed my attraction to anyone before. Of course, I've said things like "You're hot" and what not, but not like this. This comes from my heart, not my ovaries. "You are who I want. I like you how you are." With an awkward shrug of my horse-shoulders I let another sigh out. Things aren't supposed to go my way. I am Kill. Kill is supposed to be dead. I shouldn't be here.