"aurelia talk"
"What?" He blurts out this one word. Suddenly, I want to turn invisible and just
leave. Why can't he just
understand what I mean? Why can't he just
realize that the more her talks the worse it stings? Right now, it feels like barbed wire has begun puncturing my skin. Each pointed end digging deeper and deeper the more he talks. Each hook driving the cold facts into me. Each barb makes the wheels in my head spin. One of my ivory ears flicks backwards.
Why can't Mauja drench me in my own scarlet blood and watch me die? Why can't he do it?
"And someday, someone will love you for that." I roll my eyes at him. Why do I feel like I am being scolded? Why do I feel like he is my father and he is telling me something I probably should listen to?
"And there's no guarantee I won't be getting my heart broken, either," I can't help, but let out a subtle sigh. Yes,
another] sigh.
"Someday, I will die alone, Mauja. You will see. Any horse that has met me does not like me. Go ask anyone." I know I'll grow up to be the neurotic old lady that paces up and down the halls like a ghost. I'll be the old lady everyone laughs and points at. I doubt they will ask what I've done that is good. They will only ask about the crazy things I have pulled off. They won't care, no one does. Even the fathers of my children seem to have apathy about me.
When I leave, I do not want to see Mauja again. I don't want to interact with him. I don't want to know him, and I certainly don't want to lve him, but even he said... it's not like he has control over who he loves, and neither do I. I know that it is not just my ovaries saying "Go. Make babies." I'm attracted to him on many different confusing levels. Why does this feeling make me think about just Mauja? Why does it engulf my mind and block everything else out? I know now that no one can capture my heart, if it's cold. So, maybe I'll leave this meeting colder. Maybe I can steal some of Mauja's frost. Mauja has plenty, right?
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[P] i'm not scared of monsters anymore
