DEODAT
Realism [-2.5]
:: Surely that area would bruise and he hoped nothing within him was broken from the blow. This response to Torleik's opening attack made me stop and have to think. You don't describe the pain as incredibly great, so what makes Deodat concerned that something might be broken? I felt there was a lack of continuity between the dice roll, pain factor and emotional response. I also thought the amount of damage was fairly mild, considering the dice roll.
:: Déodat maneuvered his body to the left of his foe. Caution with statements like this. While not exactly powerplay, this can read as demanding that Torleik not move as you have stated a specific position for him to be in relative to Torleik.
:: There were a lot of attacks in your first post. Just be careful, the more attacks you try to perform the more unreasonable they become. At some point, your opponent is going to move.
:: His foes hoof just barely missed own ankle as he sought to draw to Torleik’s right side.  If Deodat was on the right, and circling towards his right, and Torleik kicked with his hind hoof, Deodat should be drawing up on Torleik's left at this point.
:: he flicked his tail and he smashed his hoof into the earth, releasing a rattling earthquake hoping to throw his opponent off his feet.  I can't find any record anywhere of Deodat having the rank magic war stomp- if he has rank magic it needs to be noted somewhere public [The secret board for the Basin, if that is where this is listed, is not good enough. Not everyone has access to that board.] or you can't use it in battle.
:: In your third post you dropped an attack- Torleik tried to battle Deodat with his hooves while he was rearing.
:: Rain continued to pour down and his body dripped with a mixture of water droplets and sweat. What happened to the hail storm?
:: In your final post, I think that the damage you took was massively too severe for the dice roll, especially considering the amount of damage you had taken prior for higher dice rolls.


Emotion [0]
:: As you had plenty of words left, I would have liked to see more response to Odette's sudden presence on the battlefield. Deodat showed a lot of concern for her before the fight began, but his concern for her now seems superficial and very fleeting.
:: In your second post you say that it was painful for Deodat to realize that Odette was feeling like a killer but then say that is what Deodat wanted. I would have liked for you to build this up more. I did like the emotion I got when he was concerned about her eye, however.
:: He lowered his horn and sought to drive it deep into the other stallion’s ribs Deodat's emotions are all over the place. You just said earlier in this post that Deodat did not want to kill Torleik, but this indicates quite the opposite.
:: In the end, the very last paragraph, I finally felt like I was -almost- connecting with Deodat as his considered the possibility of his own death. Still, I felt that the emotion could have been more developed.


Prose [-2]
:: Would it make a difference when one of them left this field with their tails between their legs? Should be tail- horses only have one!
:: Before he could reach his full height, Torleik’s hooves upon his chest, drawing him backed toward the ground. Torleik's hooves -were- upon his chest and -back- toward the ground.
:: A bellow escaped from Déodat’s as he lowered himself to the ground... Deodat's what?
:: The bastard’s skull will be beaten into the ground, and his blood will wash away with the stream of rainwater. You changed tenses with this statement.
:: He drove his hindlegs into the group beneath and shot himself forward aiming for his foe’s left side. Ground beneath.
:: That ass his cousin so often made fun of certainly had it’s uses he humored to himself for but a moment. Its.
:: Odette, get the hell out of here you stupid do! Dog.
:: There were a lots of out of place commas, poorly punctuated sentences and a plethora of mistakes throughout the battle. The examples listed above are just from the first post. There were an equal number in every post following, except perhaps for the fourth one.
:: Horn vs Horns- you frequently switched between describing Torleik as having one or two horns.


Readability [+1]
:: For your first attack I thought, but was not sure until I read Torleik's response, that Deodat had tried to bite him. I would have liked more clarity.
:: It would simply be a reminder of his foe’s defeat and every time he would gaze at Déodat’s face it would mock the blow he received to his face.  I think I understand what you're trying to say, but this was really unclear.
:: The plethora of grammar and spelling mistakes sometimes make it difficult to follow or read your posts.


Finally tally: 25 + -3.5= 21.5HP

:: Overall, I felt like you didn't take very much time on editing these posts and it basically gave me the impression that you didn't really care that much about them. I would urge you to carefully reread your posts after writing them. I also would have liked more mention of Deodat's injuries throughout the fight. You rarely mentioned them after the damage was taken, which really detracted from the realism of the fight.


TORLEIK
Realism [0]
:: Springing forward, Torleik closed the gap between them and charged at Déodat head-on, rising on his hind legs and kicking both front hooves violently at the challenger’s face, intending to strike him viciously in the head and break his horn if possible.  Use caution with statements like this. While not exactly powerplay, it can read as forcing your opponent not to move because you demand a position for Torleik to be in relative to Deodat.
:: His cold anger took the magic singing in the general’s blood as a consociate, the two working in tandem to drop the temperature in the immediate vicinity, the raindrops beginning to freeze and bite at the combatants’ skin with every impact. Powerplay. Even though it seems reasonable that Torleik calling upon his magic would hit, there is a possibility the dice could indicate a miss and Deodat would not be affected.
:: the Bloodskald turned his head in the direction of the blood bay, horns already lowered, and snapped his head upwards. He desired to catch Déodat under the chin and pierce where jaw and neck became one Since Deodat just rammed his shoulder into Torleik's side, I think that Torleik would not be able to turn so far around and still make an effective attack. I also think his horns would have hit Deodat's side anyways, since you note that his head was already lowered.
:: I think you did a good job translating the dice roll to damage, although I would have liked to see more consideration of how Torleik's ice storm was affecting him.
:: watching her peck at Odette’s eyes with intent to procure release while simultaneously trying to blind the dog. Again, I would have preferred you slip something along the lines of 'trying' to peck at her eyes.
:: I would like to have seen a lot more mention of how Torleik's passive magic affected his ability to move about, as I would assume that trying to be agile while literally walking on ice all of the time would be difficult.


Emotion [+2]
:: I felt that Torleik's emotion was much more tangible in his second post and I felt drawn into his emotions much more. You did a good job of maintaining his personality and emotions throughout the remainder of the fight and although he isn't overtly emotional, I felt very connected to him.
:: I know that Torleik is very attached to Irelyn and concerned for her safety, I would have liked to see some mention of how knowingly sending her into battle would affect him, but I see by the third post that there is considerable concern given to her injuries which you followed through.


Prose [+4]
:: The though barely registered in his mind Thought.
:: Torleik felt tendrils of guilt slither up the pedestal of pride Irelyn’s attack had set within his chest, wet, oily things that made him feel dirty inside.  This was just worded a little awkward for me. It took me a few reads to figure out what you meant.


Readability [+2.5]
:: I had to google about one word per post, to find definitions, which was a little distracting.


Finally tally: 13.5 + 8.5 = 22HP

:: I wish that you would have mentioned more of Torleik's injuries and how they were affecting them throughout the fight. Other than when the damage initially occurred, I didn't appreciate much mention of how the pain was affecting or changing his decisions throughout the battle.

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1VP is awarded to Torleik and he retains the "General" position.