the Rift


[JUDGED] Changing Winds [Fraub]

Oxy the Addict Posts: 322
Hidden Account atk: 5.5 | def: 7.5 | dam: 8
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 17.2hh :: 9 [Tallsun] HP: 73.5 | Buff: DANCE
Unnamed :: Common Boggart :: Mayhem Sevin
#7
You should not have been so cocky, it seems. Your companion, either hindered by her idiocy or distracted by your own chaotic thoughts, has missed the stallion's face- and everything else- with her attack. As for yourself... You're clearly just as much a fool. While you were rising from the ground, beginning to beat the air with your hooves, your opponent was turning. Now he faces you and you think you know all too well what he is going to do. The tilt of his horn and the subtle lift in his head are enough to warn you. You are battled hardened, a mistress to the war game, and you have seen swords flashing towards your belly before. You do not fear. Instead, you act.

Grunting dramatically, you heave your body to the right just as Fraub finishes his swipe and is raising himself upwards, your eyes rolling wildly as you try to keep track of his body as well as your own. It is only a fair bit of luck that helps you evade the spire upon his head. It is the brute's own stupidity that helps you evade his hooves. Perhaps he has overestimated himself, thrown himself too high, not held his rear hooves far enough apart... whatever his mistake, one thing is certain. He is a fool. But if he is a fool, you are too. As you come nearer to the ground, you realize that you are not balanced and that there is a tree too near.

Damnit, you manage to think as you start to stumble sideways towards a healthy looking oak that stands guard in the forest. If you hadn't been so overzealous you might have been able to smash the Arab while he was flailing on the ground. Instead, you're left defending yourself from a stationary object. All the while, your wispy companion invades your head with her panicked emotions. As if that's helping. Digging your hooves into the ground, stumbling over a root or two, you finally manage to come to some sort of movie-esque stop, your right side and ribs just inches from the grating bark of the massive tree.

But your victory against the forest does not leave you any happier. If anything, you are more upset. Your blood boils in your veins that you should have been made a fool by your herdmate. You've been trying to be nice, trying to contain yourself against him, but you are no saint and only a saint could withstand these pressures. You are through pretending. Good job lasting all of... what? 15 minutes? But as you look left and right you do not see the golden king anywhere near. He will never be the wiser, so long as the foolish Arab does not run to tell on you. And you would hope he would be more of a man than his beauty routine suggests.

Calling upon your magic, you feel some energy drain from your body as you attempt to release it towards Fraub. Eagerly, you await his response. You love the look in your opponents' eyes as their blood begins to burst in their veins, as they begin to gasp for oxygen and their muscles cramp for lack of it. If you are lucky, you will actually succeed in damaging him this time. You refuse to consider what will happen if you are unlucky. Battles are not won on luck or thoughts. They are won on actions and training.

Heaving yourself forward, away from the tree that was almost your doom, you angle yourself towards Fraub. As you move, your bag pulls at your shoulder, reminding you that you should be eating locoweed instead of flailing about with the idiot before you. An errant ray of sun bursts through the tree tops, confirming that you should be getting high and causing you to squint and turn your head away. But even if the gods and mother nature herself are against you, you will not give in. You lower your head and, when you think you are close to your Arab herdmate, you throw your head up, dark horns flying through the air with intent to slice your opponent. You don't even look to see where you might strike him. He has upset you and you are no longer playing nice. Be it face or chest, side or rump, if you hit him you will relish the drag of your horns through his flesh and smile as the blood plays upon their tips.

If you miss.... well, you may as well go kill yourself. After all, if you miss this court jester for a second time in a row you're pretty sure you don't even deserve to live.

WC| 786
Post| 3/3
OOC| Dark x Water Magic: Able to burst red blood cells, causing reduced hemoglobin levels therefore signs of anemia and oxygen deprivation. Symptoms include muscle cramping, shortness of breath, increased heart rate, disorientation and fade after 30 seconds.
@[Fraub]


Excellent, I already saw a lot of improvement from last post to this one. I'll break everything down by category again!

Realism: Again, excellent job letting me know where Fraub was in relation to Oxy. Your writing is very clear in this aspect. I also really appreciated that you had Fraub interact with the environment, stepping on a rock. In regards to the dice roll, with Oxy missing you shouldn't have taken any damage. The stick just grazing his face or stepping on a rock were fine as I didn't really consider those to be damage. However, with Fraub falling over on his side and scraping himself on a tree, I think that he definitely would have gotten hurt doing that. So that would probably be counted against you. Fraub's counterattack was well written and a good idea, but when he stopped attacking I would have had him just land back on his feet or something. That way you could have avoided taking damage that you weren't supposed to. On the plus side, it sets you up quite well for your next post since Fraub did end up taking a critical miss. However, you wouldn't have known that when you wrote your post so just be careful with that. On the other hand, it was a nice touch that you considered Oxy's hooves would still be flailing while Fraub was rearing up. The sweat from his nerves was a nice touch and I really appreciated that.

Emotion: You did a good job adding in a little more emotion. I still think there could have been more. Fraub is not a fighter and yet he avoided getting hit by this big monster and his flailing hooves. I don't know if Fraub is much of a celebrator, but it would have been nice to see how he was feeling about that. Was he elated and celebrating in his head (for a second until he started tipping)? Was he too scared to be excited? Was there something else going on? Tipping over also would have been good fodder for emotion. Falling isn't a normal thing for a horse to do, so it would have been nice to see some really serious stressing out about what was going on, a little more consideration of his mistake, etc. The flying stick might also have been an excellent place for more of Fraub's hilarious thoughts, since a stick suddenly whizzing past your face isn't really normal either. That said, you did a great job working in a little more humor this time and I really did laugh at several parts! The part about his stomach growling, the part about not wanting to mess up his hair, the consideration of his nerves! Keep building on those moments because they're great.

Prose: I still think that the prose read a little bit choppy. It wasn't necessarily bad, and I didn't catch any distractingly incorrect grammar errors, but I still just felt like I was missing something. Transitional words can really help enhance your writing. Switching sentence order around can help too. I noticed that a lot of your sentences started with a noun- Fraub, He, His, etc. Again, it wasn't bad, it just seemed to be lacking a sort of... bow on top of the package, if you catch my drift. But that is something that comes with time and knowing your character, I believe. Overall, the post was well written and easy to read. The only mistake I noticed was that there should have been a space before 'damnit, who put those rocks there.

Readability: I don't have much to add this time to this category. I think you did a much better job of making sure your sentences were complete enough to not cause confusion and I didn't really notice any instances where your use of 'he' was ambiguous. I always knew if you were talking about Oxy or Fraub.
Permission granted to use magic or physical force with Oxy at any time for any reason to any degree, with the exception of killing him.

Please do not tag Oxy unless it is in an opening post


Messages In This Thread
Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Oxy - 06-04-2014, 11:32 PM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Fraub - 06-05-2014, 01:14 AM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Oxy - 06-07-2014, 01:56 AM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Fraub - 06-07-2014, 11:11 PM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Oxy - 06-08-2014, 01:16 AM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Fraub - 06-09-2014, 04:16 PM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Oxy - 06-20-2014, 09:31 PM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Fraub - 06-22-2014, 07:13 PM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Oxy - 07-05-2014, 03:14 PM
RE: Changing Winds [Fraub] - by Official - 07-06-2014, 10:20 AM

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