He had never known love to be so terrible? He had never heard much of her past, had he? It was only fair that she explained it to him. She didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to make him feel bad, didn't want him to feel the knife driving into his heart that was also driving into hers. But she couldn't change so quick, couldn't see love as anything except a long walk off a short dock like he wanted her to. She couldn't think that love was butterflies and happy days. Her entire life was seen through rose colored glasses, but only because love had conveniently stayed locked in a corner and hidden from view. She waited until he was done speaking, shifted, hesitated, and then sighed. If he didn't understand, she could at least explain to him. He still wouldn't understand, she supposed, but at least he might know why she was the way she was.

But first she had to deal with a realization of her own- he loved her but he would withhold it from her, to keep her safe. To keep her happy. To allow her to keep her freedom. Could he be more perfect, more honorable, a better mate? Could she have fallen for a better, more trusting, more helpful stallion? And here she was resenting the fact that she loved him, hating the fact that love would require her to be honorable only to him, despising the fact that there was nothing she could do to change her heart. But if she could not change her heart, she could at least share with him what she had shared with nobody else since she had arrived here in Helovia.

So she talked, though it killed them both to stay together.

“Do you know I was a princess when I was born?” But there was no smile on her face for a history long past, no joy to tell the story of her birth. But tell it she did, wading through the water closer to him, because she was a sucker and the distance between them was too great. “Avalon divided itself into lights and darks- the good and the evil. Mother and father were queen and king...” Of which side? Oh, he'd never believe the answer she gave. “Of the dark kingdom.” And she sighed, closing her eyes as the warm waters splashed against her cannons. It all came swirling back to her.

“You know what kind of love that got mother? Nothing. She was isolated. Father kept her locked up in his cathedral all the time, just her and him- but where was he? Always in his head thinking, brooding, watching his kingdom. But not watching his mate, except when he wanted a little fun.” She had loved her parents the way a daughter was supposed to but now, looking back at how they had been and how they had acted... Well, Kahlua was not sure she should have loved them at all. What did they do except mope in the shadows?

“There was Nachtfang, the oldest, mother's first child. He wasn't daddy's, but daddy adopted him anyway. He would rule when daddy died. You know what kind of love the rest of us got?” She shook her head, eyes opening again. “Enough love that we were fed and housed... you don't know the things I did to get attention Kaj. You don't know!” And her voice grew a little shrill as she remembered them herself. To say she had been an awful slut... well, that would be an understatement indeed. But she was strong, and that was only the past... right? She calmed her voice, refusing to let a new terror eat her up this day.

“Then there was my twin brother Fuhrer, me, and a younger sister- Umbriel.” Umbriel's name was said with some distaste. “You know why Umbriel was born? Politics.” And her voice grew bitter. “Daddy loved my mother so much that he sent her away to his duke to forge an alliance. He loved her so much that he would let another have her because he was too... too what?” She didn't even know what. “Too stubborn, too foolish, too stuck in his own head that he couldn't forge an alliance in another way?” She snorted and stamped her hooves in the water.

“Love got mother nothing but chains and a life of loneliness, a brood of children she didn't want and-” she stopped short as a sudden realization came to her. She had realized that she was taking this past out on Kaj, sweet Kaj who had done nothing to her but love her like the queen that she was. She was not isolated- she had been allowed to run free. She had no children to tie her down. He had not even asked her to love him. He was not her father but she was treating him like he was... She sighed again because she just didn't know what to do. She kicked at the water, splashing, trying to sort out her emotions in her head.

“Kaj, I'm sorry,” she cooed softly, looking at him and wondering what she should do. “I'll try Kaj, I just need... time.” And so she began to back out of the water. She waited for his response- wanted his response. She needed to know what he had to say to her, but she did not want to stay longer than she needed to. She did not want to pain him more than she already had. And what was there for her to do but leave? She could not solve his hurting heart by staying. She could not change herself in an instant but she didn't know how to change herself with time either. Of course, she'd brought this upon herself.