RIDERS ON THE_ S T O R M bronzehalo.deviantart.com |
Okay! First off, I want to say, I love this post! I can clearly see where you took my advice from the PM I sent you originally. You effectively incorporated the environment, your opponent, your companion nicely!
All right, so, I'll go through this one paragraph at a time, so that I don't miss anything :)
#1 - I LOVE the analogy of the rain being Cirrus' tears. This imagery made me smile a big huge dumb smile, lol. I also love Rosti's mention of his arousal, and how it disappears pretty quick when faced with cranky Cirrus xD. Not much to mention on this para, it is a lovely opening, giving us an insight into how Rosti is feeling and how his temper builds towards attacking Cirrus.
#2 - Be careful when describing the rain getting harder, as at this stage the weather is mostly defined by our previous thread, where it was just picking up be a steady rainfall. Rosti is a little bit at the mercy of Cirrus' magic, he can only really go with it and describe what she has decided to allow happen.
I love his interaction with his companion, it's really lovely <3 Perfect IC excuse not to use companions in this spar, too ^^
#3 - Again, be careful when describing the weather, but I really do like the picture you have painted here. The Kodak moment comment made me laugh, and really I just how throughout your post so far I can really feel Rosti present. Great stuff.
#4 - Okay, now we're at the business end of the post. Attacks! So, he lunges forward for her, trying to bite at whatever Cirrus has exposed - great description, containing no powerplaying at all, I love it.
The only thing about this whole paragraph that gets me is the order you mention your attacks in. Now, Cirrus rolled a critical hit, so I had her take on damage from everything you mentioned Rosti was attacking with, both his dragon-horns and his bite. I interpretted your attack to mean that as he lunged forward he tried to rub his horns along her as he then reached with his teeth. But in your post, you mention his teeth first, so I'm thinking, okay, he's about to bite! But then you throw in a sentence about his horns, and I'm like, but what happened to his teeth?! But then his teeth come back and we're all good again. So, in my revision of this post, I would have gone back and maybe switched sentences around a little bit, to have it so that he CLEARLY tries to stab with his horns first, then bite with his teeth. So it would read something more like:
"...I lunge forward, playing no games, putting on no fronts as I move toward her in my first attack. I stay on the ground, protecting my rotund belly, and my hooves slide on the softening ground. I will have to be careful in my steps. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll stab her with the dragon-like spikes that decorate the center of my face. As I approach the spot where she most recently was, I think to myself that it's like trying to destroy or poke holes in clouds. What a strange notion. My teeth are bared, reeking of the vodka that I drink throughout most of the day, and I seek any part of her face or throat that she leaves exposed to me. If I manage to tear off any hair, skin - anything, really - it's her own damn fault.
I clamp my jaws down on whatever I can reach, whether it be flesh, bone, or air. I shake my head vigorously, blinking furiously to keep the rain out of my eyes…" etc etc.
Just a subtle shuffling of words that will help with the flow and continuity of your post.
Also, I do love his imagery of poking clouds xD Haha.
#5 - A great closing para, you remind us again of his reason for fighting (angry Rosti rawr!) Not much to mention for this one specifically, it's a nice well-rounded conclusion to your opening spar post.
OVERALL you did fantastic. Something to keep your mind on for your future replies are to remember to mention Cirrus a bit more physically - you humorously compare her to clouds and draw on lovely analogies, but we ARE in a spar, remember, Rosti will also be looking at her, how she moves, her WINGS, and her position compared to him. Also mention that Rosti himself is a big heavy steed, capable of defeating Cirrus just by sitting on her (if he could catch her! Lol)! Has Rosti ever fought before, and does that fight compare to this one? Has Rosti ever had the worry of a companion/loved one humming at the back of his mind constantly, potentially distracting him from what he's doing? Has he ever fought a pegasus before, or just other unicorns/equines? You've already mentioned the wet weather and how he'll have to be careful in the future - make sure you follow through with this, and keep him true to his initial convictions.
Okay, I think I've done enough rambling for now, carry on! :D
please do not feel pressured into mirroring the length of any of my posts
I write what I feel at the time
and hope everyone else does the same c: