RIDERS ON THE_ S T O R M bronzehalo.deviantart.com |
Overall, another really great job. Once again I'll go into detail on each paragraph. :)
#1 - Rosti is so nasty! I love how much of his personality we get to see here, his sick satisfaction, right through to his disgust at her flesh.
Only things I can pick on here is flow. There are just some little slightly awkward fragments that with some tweaking could help the overall cohesiveness of the post. We are in a spar here, so we have a word limit - if you've already mentioned something once, properly, there is no need to repeat it again, unless that repetition adds dynamic to the post. As an example, I'll see if I can tweak a couple of sentences that might help condense without losing any value..:
"After a moment, the rain helps it slide off and fall to the ground. I cock my head so I can see it on the ground, and I think to myself, 'That's actually... really disgusting.'"
Could be condensed to:
"Moments later, the rain helps my fleshy souvenir slide off my face. My head cocks to the side as I eyeball it, and I think, 'That's actually… really disgusting.'"
I don't know if that helps or not, but it takes away the two 'grounds' that you have in the last 2 sentences of this paragraph, it helps lessen your word count and maybe allows things to flow more, while still giving us plenty of Rosti personality to love. This is the sort of thing I do all the time, and I usually make these sorts of changes to my original posts (which are almost always over the word count) as a final edit. Just something to keep in mind for your next post.
#2 - Great work on using the flesh as a distraction to have Rosti take the hit from her wing. I like the choice of having it hit his head lightly, which then leaves him open to take Cirrus' kick full on. Nice and realistic, and I love his internal exclamation of annoyance, lol. Great mention of previous spar, just a great paragraph overall. This one has better flow than the previous, like we're more in the swing of things, everything happens naturally and realistically, everything is nice and clear and Rosti is definitely annoyed and wanting revenge. Great work!
#3 - Back to business - this one seems a bit more disjointed. I appreciate that you take the time to have him observe her, I love the use of Damaris' perspective, really great. My only tips here would be to try and make it seem more of a natural inclusion, rather than a 'Rosti paused for a moment and observed that she was all of these things' - we're in a spar, these things are all happening literally seconds apart, he doesn't have time to sit back and admire her warmblood build etc. Goes back to the flow of the post, try to simply weave these observations into his overall actions. I'll see if I can suggest a few tweaks again..
"I lift my head and get an eyeful. She's stocky like me, but more warmblood than I am: she'll be faster than I. We're of equal height, which amuses me - I find that I'm a little short next to most. I take just a moment to ponder what my next attack is. I feel Damaris encouraging me in my mind, and I start to picture a narrowed-in view of Sky Lady's flank."
Edit:
"My head lifts, my gaze zoning in on her stocky, but athletic form. With some amusement I note that we're of similar height, aside from her wings. I feel Damaris at the back of my mind, encouraging me, pushing an image of the mare's flank to the forefront of my mind."
This way, you've mentioned Cirrus' physical attributes whilst also working them into your current actions.
#4 - Not much to say, a nice little ending to your post, mentioning his injury again, good work. Just be careful when mentioning post-attack movements, as I always try to end my post on attempting to make an attack. If you mention post-attack landing, etc, you run the risk of accidentally assuming your attack either hit or missed, and thereby already preventing and thus slightly powerplaying/godmoding your opponents next move. Not saying you've done this, but definitely something to keep in mind.
Overall, again, a great effort. You know your way around a spar, you know how to take realistic hits and deliver them, you are always clear on where you are attacking and how you go about it. All great things to have in your arsenal of spar posts. Now I'd like to see you going back and spending more time condensing without losing quality, and ensuring the flow of your sentences are a bit smoother and less mechanical. Also keep in mind his injuries - remember to always, always carry it over into every subsequent move now, even the knock to his head might make his vision slightly blurry if he moves it too fast. Other than that, keep up the great work. :D
please do not feel pressured into mirroring the length of any of my posts
I write what I feel at the time
and hope everyone else does the same c: