the Rift


[JUDGED] Harlots and drunkards [Cirrus, Rosti teaching spar]

Cirrus Posts: 233
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6
Mare :: Pegasus :: 15.1 :: 8 HP: 69 | Buff: SWIFT
Whit
#4
Into this world we're thrown

Head pounding to the beat of my working heart, I find myself grinding my molars together with the concentration of simply keeping my balance. Getting bashed over the eye and having one's ear gnawed on didn't exactly make for an ideal start to a brawl, though I would give Rostislav points for landing a hit.

My wing thwaps against his crown as I spin about, the hard edge of it aching from the impact. I was fortunate that it smacked against something that was able to bend away, for had it struck anything harder and I belatedly think of how a simple fracture could have formed and grounded me - my worst nightmare. Through the fog of pain that clouds my head, I try to remember to keep my wings away from the fight, and I lift them high now, still open, but held almost vertically up from their joints at my shoulders. My muzzle dips lows as my hinds strike out, the mud not far from the blood-drenched curves of my façade, and I groan as the blood stings my left eye. I blink, rapidly, even as my solid hooves shudder against the pectoral region of Rostislav. The motion tipped me even further forward, and given my compromised, aching crown, I scrambled to regain my balance afterwards. A small part of me felt grim satisfaction at my successful attempt, but mostly I am simply trying not to fall down in the aftermath.

I continue to push my hips around to the left, lifting my cranium back to a level just above my withers, tilting it so that my right eye, currently the only one unhindered by blood and sticky forelock, obtains insight into the position of Rostislav. I am unnerved slightly by what I see, for when he stands up on his back legs like that, a fear, swift like a flash of lightning, cuts through me - what if he means to take me, to force me? My resolve soon floods me once more, and even as the steed comes down at me with his broad, flat hooves, I feel my determination rise within me once more - I will not be beaten.

I dart forward, hoping to miss the flailing of his hooves altogether, but I am held back by the terrain that my own magic helped create. My own hooves argue with the slick mud, even as the sun glints through the sheets of rain - my magic lost its grip on the rainfall minutes ago, now it was slowly being burnt off by the scorching TallSun heat, leaving in its wake thick, gluggy mud underfoot, and rain that had changed from a downpour to a mere, sprinkling, sunshower. Patches of my own coat that weren't darkened by mud and wet reflected the scene, which was probably quite picturesque - if one ignored the two souls attempting to tear each other apart in the middle of it. I try again, and again, to drag myself forward, grunting in pain as he crashes down upon me. It mostly smashes against my right hip, and I am fortunate that my right hock was cocked at the time, allowing the impact to shudder more easily down the entire limb, instead of the much more devastating situation of having my pelvis take all of the impact, and likely fracture as a result. A sharp stinging follows the trail of his hoof as it cuts through my flesh, reaching from the point of my hip down about the width of a hoof. It is not deep, but I wince as a small flap of skin forms and fills with rain and muck, making it feel a lot worse than it actually is.

Reluctance to further compromise my right hind leg prevents me from utilising the small gap between our bodies and filling it with another assault from my hind hooves. Instead, I continue to push myself forward and around to my right, hoping to swing myself enough around so that I am lined up perpendicularly to Rostislav's right side. I do not rear, for I have no desire to expose my stomach to his horned head, but instead snake out my teeth, aiming for the fleshy, cresty area of his nape. As this happens, my right foreleg makes to strike out, hoping to entangle his foreleg in with my own, perhaps forcing him into a bow, or even bang a fracture into the cannon bone of his nearest (right) foreleg. With my vision the way it is, however, I think I would be lucky to be able to discern the dark roaned brute from the surrounding mud and grime - I know I am at a disadvantage, but I just pray that he is as restricted by injury as I am.



[ Tag: @[Rostislav]
WordCount: 800 (MS Word)
Attack: 2/3 ]



C I R R U S
RIDERS ON THE_ S T O R M

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Whit's Teaching Tips of Doom

Overall, another really great job. Once again I'll go into detail on each paragraph. :)

#1 - Rosti is so nasty! I love how much of his personality we get to see here, his sick satisfaction, right through to his disgust at her flesh.
Only things I can pick on here is flow. There are just some little slightly awkward fragments that with some tweaking could help the overall cohesiveness of the post. We are in a spar here, so we have a word limit - if you've already mentioned something once, properly, there is no need to repeat it again, unless that repetition adds dynamic to the post. As an example, I'll see if I can tweak a couple of sentences that might help condense without losing any value..:

"After a moment, the rain helps it slide off and fall to the ground. I cock my head so I can see it on the ground, and I think to myself, 'That's actually... really disgusting.'"

Could be condensed to:
"Moments later, the rain helps my fleshy souvenir slide off my face. My head cocks to the side as I eyeball it, and I think, 'That's actually… really disgusting.'"

I don't know if that helps or not, but it takes away the two 'grounds' that you have in the last 2 sentences of this paragraph, it helps lessen your word count and maybe allows things to flow more, while still giving us plenty of Rosti personality to love. This is the sort of thing I do all the time, and I usually make these sorts of changes to my original posts (which are almost always over the word count) as a final edit. Just something to keep in mind for your next post.

#2 - Great work on using the flesh as a distraction to have Rosti take the hit from her wing. I like the choice of having it hit his head lightly, which then leaves him open to take Cirrus' kick full on. Nice and realistic, and I love his internal exclamation of annoyance, lol. Great mention of previous spar, just a great paragraph overall. This one has better flow than the previous, like we're more in the swing of things, everything happens naturally and realistically, everything is nice and clear and Rosti is definitely annoyed and wanting revenge. Great work!

#3 - Back to business - this one seems a bit more disjointed. I appreciate that you take the time to have him observe her, I love the use of Damaris' perspective, really great. My only tips here would be to try and make it seem more of a natural inclusion, rather than a 'Rosti paused for a moment and observed that she was all of these things' - we're in a spar, these things are all happening literally seconds apart, he doesn't have time to sit back and admire her warmblood build etc. Goes back to the flow of the post, try to simply weave these observations into his overall actions. I'll see if I can suggest a few tweaks again..

"I lift my head and get an eyeful. She's stocky like me, but more warmblood than I am: she'll be faster than I. We're of equal height, which amuses me - I find that I'm a little short next to most. I take just a moment to ponder what my next attack is. I feel Damaris encouraging me in my mind, and I start to picture a narrowed-in view of Sky Lady's flank."

Edit:
"My head lifts, my gaze zoning in on her stocky, but athletic form. With some amusement I note that we're of similar height, aside from her wings. I feel Damaris at the back of my mind, encouraging me, pushing an image of the mare's flank to the forefront of my mind."

This way, you've mentioned Cirrus' physical attributes whilst also working them into your current actions.

#4 - Not much to say, a nice little ending to your post, mentioning his injury again, good work. Just be careful when mentioning post-attack movements, as I always try to end my post on attempting to make an attack. If you mention post-attack landing, etc, you run the risk of accidentally assuming your attack either hit or missed, and thereby already preventing and thus slightly powerplaying/godmoding your opponents next move. Not saying you've done this, but definitely something to keep in mind.

Overall, again, a great effort. You know your way around a spar, you know how to take realistic hits and deliver them, you are always clear on where you are attacking and how you go about it. All great things to have in your arsenal of spar posts. Now I'd like to see you going back and spending more time condensing without losing quality, and ensuring the flow of your sentences are a bit smoother and less mechanical. Also keep in mind his injuries - remember to always, always carry it over into every subsequent move now, even the knock to his head might make his vision slightly blurry if he moves it too fast. Other than that, keep up the great work. :D

bg - table
as changing as unforgiving as the wind, as bitter and chilling as the cold, as warm and deadly as the heat


  • I enjoy being tagged.


  • please do not feel pressured into mirroring the length of any of my posts
    I write what I feel at the time
    and hope everyone else does the same c:



    Messages In This Thread
    RE: Harlots and drunkards [Cirrus, Rosti teaching spar] - by Cirrus - 07-04-2014, 02:21 AM

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