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07-17-2014, 02:55 AM
Stars faded on my hide, replaced with a dazzling dance of indigo, orange and pink. It happened slowly, but at the same time, swiftly, just like the sunrise that glowed on the eastern horizon. I breathed in, soaking up the air of this new day, letting it fill me up - which was impossible, given the hole within me was too vast and impossible to ever fill with simple air. At least it energized my body physically, and with any luck I would have a good excuse to keep that energy rolling into a distraction, one that would keep me from thinking of you for too long.
Blunt, harsh words pound against my eardrums then, and I can't help but smile a defiant smile, arching my neck proudly as this opponent settles before me, and my spear. As his golden gaze rakes across my frame, I reach forward with my maw, grasping the wooden shaft of my spear and fluidly returning it to its crook amongst my left wing - I had no desire to kill nor even seriously maim this steed, only to give us both some bruises and get the blood pumping in our veins. "I'd rather be deadly with it," I reply tartly, though my intentions regarding the spear were clear by my tucking it away. I size him up, taking in his medium, athletic build, spying the contrast of his sparking markings against his dark, steely grey hide -the rising sun seems to light them up with a brilliant glow, it gives me something to aim at, something to watch as we dance this dangerous tango.
I watch as he builds himself up, puffing himself full of air and spreading his wings. My own wings mirror his, and excitement thrums in my vessels as I hope we take to the skies as pegasus should, and demonstrate our inborn abilities to fly. His wings flap, and I am a mere second behind him as my own mimic his motion - which is just enough time for the dust he evidently longed to blow at me to get caught up in my windy currents too. I snort at it, pausing the pulsing of my wings and taking a stride backwards to avoid the floating dirt. It is then, in the dawning of this day, I see that my opponent is nothing more than yet another uncreative stallion, hoping to throw his bulk against me and watch me tumble beneath his hooves.
My grin returns, and though I barely have a moment to prepare for the crushing force that is his gold-painted chest making to clash against my own. I brace myself for the impact, my hindlegs already in a bent motion thanks to my avoidance of the dust before. My wings are half unfurled, my tiara tilting to the right so that our chests thudded together in a wonderful display of almost evenly matched creatures testing themselves.
The wind is knocked from my lungs as we connect, a forced snort rippling its way through my nostrils. I gasp the air back into my body, even as my hooves struggle to find purchase on the dry ground beneath, I find myself pushed back several inches, possibly even an entire foot. I grind my teeth, in annoyance that this stallion had managed to spring an attack upon me when it was I who issued the original challenge. But my flinty hooves find their grip soon enough, and I dig deep, my ear slicking down against my nape, my teeth flashing from behind my darkened muzzle with hopes of finding the juicy flesh of the left side of this stallion's nape, or perhaps even his left wing joint, where I could inflict a bruise deep enough for him to remember me by for a week, or perhaps even a shallow cut that would scar him for a lifetime.
He would regret taking me on.
Word Count: 653 (MS Word)
Post Count: 1/3
I’ll post my teaching tips in another table below :)
@[Hawkeye]
Blunt, harsh words pound against my eardrums then, and I can't help but smile a defiant smile, arching my neck proudly as this opponent settles before me, and my spear. As his golden gaze rakes across my frame, I reach forward with my maw, grasping the wooden shaft of my spear and fluidly returning it to its crook amongst my left wing - I had no desire to kill nor even seriously maim this steed, only to give us both some bruises and get the blood pumping in our veins. "I'd rather be deadly with it," I reply tartly, though my intentions regarding the spear were clear by my tucking it away. I size him up, taking in his medium, athletic build, spying the contrast of his sparking markings against his dark, steely grey hide -the rising sun seems to light them up with a brilliant glow, it gives me something to aim at, something to watch as we dance this dangerous tango.
I watch as he builds himself up, puffing himself full of air and spreading his wings. My own wings mirror his, and excitement thrums in my vessels as I hope we take to the skies as pegasus should, and demonstrate our inborn abilities to fly. His wings flap, and I am a mere second behind him as my own mimic his motion - which is just enough time for the dust he evidently longed to blow at me to get caught up in my windy currents too. I snort at it, pausing the pulsing of my wings and taking a stride backwards to avoid the floating dirt. It is then, in the dawning of this day, I see that my opponent is nothing more than yet another uncreative stallion, hoping to throw his bulk against me and watch me tumble beneath his hooves.
My grin returns, and though I barely have a moment to prepare for the crushing force that is his gold-painted chest making to clash against my own. I brace myself for the impact, my hindlegs already in a bent motion thanks to my avoidance of the dust before. My wings are half unfurled, my tiara tilting to the right so that our chests thudded together in a wonderful display of almost evenly matched creatures testing themselves.
The wind is knocked from my lungs as we connect, a forced snort rippling its way through my nostrils. I gasp the air back into my body, even as my hooves struggle to find purchase on the dry ground beneath, I find myself pushed back several inches, possibly even an entire foot. I grind my teeth, in annoyance that this stallion had managed to spring an attack upon me when it was I who issued the original challenge. But my flinty hooves find their grip soon enough, and I dig deep, my ear slicking down against my nape, my teeth flashing from behind my darkened muzzle with hopes of finding the juicy flesh of the left side of this stallion's nape, or perhaps even his left wing joint, where I could inflict a bruise deep enough for him to remember me by for a week, or perhaps even a shallow cut that would scar him for a lifetime.
He would regret taking me on.
Word Count: 653 (MS Word)
Post Count: 1/3
I’ll post my teaching tips in another table below :)
@[Hawkeye]
Cirrus
the Wind Dancer
Whit's Teaching Tips of Doom :D
Okay, welcome to the Doom that is Whit's Teaching Tips xD
So when I do these things I usually dissect each individual paragraph that you've written. If this doesn't work/doesn't help you at all, let me know and I'll adjust for you :)
#1.
So I like the setting you've described, but there are a few disjointed sentences and incomplete metaphors here that really let the flow of the paragraph down. When I say flow, I mean readability, I mean that I have to go back over and re-read several times, just in one paragraph, to make sure I'm getting the appropriate imagery that you're trying to convey. My first tip to you would be to follow the KISS principle - Keep It Simple! I'll see if I can tweak a few sentences for you to demonstrate what I mean.
Original:
The blanket of night was slowly slipping off her dress, allowing the warm golden rays to touch the base of the horizon.
Edit:
The mistress of the night was slipping off her dress, stripping away her midnight robe to reveal the golden rays of sunrise peeking up beyond the horizon.
Also be careful that you choose a tense and stick to it. (I have trouble with this all the time too lol). Your second sentence starts off in present tense (with 'glittering') but somewhere along the way it gets jumbled - 'just as they always did' etc.
The rest of this paragraph is much of the same, though those were the standout things I wanted to mention to you.
#2.
I like this paragraph. It's nice and rounded, the tense stays the same throughout, no obvious grammatical errors. Little things, like 'Sun's blessing' <- make sure you do capitalise the Sun and give it an apostrophe, because slips like these can take away little points in the final rubric which, especially when our characters are so closely matched HP-wise, will be -very- important.
I feel that this paragraph would have been a good opportunity to mention Cirrus' unusual appearance. Remember what her magic is, reflecting the sky, whatever it is doing. So right now, stars are fading on her hide and the rich colours of sunrise are replacing it - she'd look pretty different compared to anything he's seen before I suspect. At least worth a mention :)
#3.
This would definitely be a place to mention Cirrus' appearance more, you're already halfway there, mentioning that she's a mare. I also would have liked to see more of why Hawkeye disapproves of a mare asking for a fight, what has happened in his history that had led him to feel this way? Also be careful again, there are some more awkward sentences that I had to read twice to make sure I understood what you were saying.
#4.
First sentence here, I think you meant to say "perhaps refraining himself from desiring to take it easy on a more feminine model." Make sure you go back and proofread your posts, make sure they flow easily off the tongue - read them out loud if you need to. I do this (granted, only when there is no one else home lol) and I find that it really helps me find the rhythm of my post. I would have liked you once again to dig deeper into why Hawkeye is doing what he is doing. You give us hints that maybe he wants to teach Cirrus a lesson, to prove that she is but a foolish mare who should know better than to challenge a stallion, maybe he sees himself as far greater then Cirrus?? Or is he reluctant to fight her because he fears he might hurt her? Or himself? Or anything else.
So, for your next post, I want to you concentrate on really getting the flow of your post smooth and easily readable. I don't want to have to re-read every sentence to make sure I understand - and believe me, the Judge won't want to either. Be very clear and precise with every action you have Hawkeye do. Really have him assess who Cirrus is as an opponent, and give us reasons why he thinks the way he does. I want to feel him throughout, I want to know what makes him tick, what makes him happy, sad, angry, etc. You only got to 473 words, that's over 300 words left for you to fill in. While its great you kept so low under the word count, I can see spots where you were lacking, spots that will really help you with the final rubric, so I want you to use those extra 300 words to pump your post up with all the good feels :)
Allrighty, enough of my rambles, I hope this helps - again, let me know if it doesn't or if you want me to address it in a different way. Have fun!
Okay, welcome to the Doom that is Whit's Teaching Tips xD
So when I do these things I usually dissect each individual paragraph that you've written. If this doesn't work/doesn't help you at all, let me know and I'll adjust for you :)
#1.
So I like the setting you've described, but there are a few disjointed sentences and incomplete metaphors here that really let the flow of the paragraph down. When I say flow, I mean readability, I mean that I have to go back over and re-read several times, just in one paragraph, to make sure I'm getting the appropriate imagery that you're trying to convey. My first tip to you would be to follow the KISS principle - Keep It Simple! I'll see if I can tweak a few sentences for you to demonstrate what I mean.
Original:
The blanket of night was slowly slipping off her dress, allowing the warm golden rays to touch the base of the horizon.
Edit:
The mistress of the night was slipping off her dress, stripping away her midnight robe to reveal the golden rays of sunrise peeking up beyond the horizon.
Also be careful that you choose a tense and stick to it. (I have trouble with this all the time too lol). Your second sentence starts off in present tense (with 'glittering') but somewhere along the way it gets jumbled - 'just as they always did' etc.
The rest of this paragraph is much of the same, though those were the standout things I wanted to mention to you.
#2.
I like this paragraph. It's nice and rounded, the tense stays the same throughout, no obvious grammatical errors. Little things, like 'Sun's blessing' <- make sure you do capitalise the Sun and give it an apostrophe, because slips like these can take away little points in the final rubric which, especially when our characters are so closely matched HP-wise, will be -very- important.
I feel that this paragraph would have been a good opportunity to mention Cirrus' unusual appearance. Remember what her magic is, reflecting the sky, whatever it is doing. So right now, stars are fading on her hide and the rich colours of sunrise are replacing it - she'd look pretty different compared to anything he's seen before I suspect. At least worth a mention :)
#3.
This would definitely be a place to mention Cirrus' appearance more, you're already halfway there, mentioning that she's a mare. I also would have liked to see more of why Hawkeye disapproves of a mare asking for a fight, what has happened in his history that had led him to feel this way? Also be careful again, there are some more awkward sentences that I had to read twice to make sure I understood what you were saying.
#4.
First sentence here, I think you meant to say "perhaps refraining himself from desiring to take it easy on a more feminine model." Make sure you go back and proofread your posts, make sure they flow easily off the tongue - read them out loud if you need to. I do this (granted, only when there is no one else home lol) and I find that it really helps me find the rhythm of my post. I would have liked you once again to dig deeper into why Hawkeye is doing what he is doing. You give us hints that maybe he wants to teach Cirrus a lesson, to prove that she is but a foolish mare who should know better than to challenge a stallion, maybe he sees himself as far greater then Cirrus?? Or is he reluctant to fight her because he fears he might hurt her? Or himself? Or anything else.
So, for your next post, I want to you concentrate on really getting the flow of your post smooth and easily readable. I don't want to have to re-read every sentence to make sure I understand - and believe me, the Judge won't want to either. Be very clear and precise with every action you have Hawkeye do. Really have him assess who Cirrus is as an opponent, and give us reasons why he thinks the way he does. I want to feel him throughout, I want to know what makes him tick, what makes him happy, sad, angry, etc. You only got to 473 words, that's over 300 words left for you to fill in. While its great you kept so low under the word count, I can see spots where you were lacking, spots that will really help you with the final rubric, so I want you to use those extra 300 words to pump your post up with all the good feels :)
Allrighty, enough of my rambles, I hope this helps - again, let me know if it doesn't or if you want me to address it in a different way. Have fun!
please do not feel pressured into mirroring the length of any of my posts
I write what I feel at the time
and hope everyone else does the same c:
