"What? Oh..." he said distractedly, not overly interested in the roses at all. "I don't know. Because I made it to grow, maybe, feeding it with magic. Or because it's what roses do... Perhaps even to make you less scared, since you don't have a reason to be. I don't know what roses think." He shrugged a bit, suppressing a desire to sigh. Things just weren't going well for him today. First a wolverine, then the storm, now this row that had left him with a mare scared half to death and a personal, stubborn refusal to leave before he'd made up with her.
He thought he'd be pleased when she actually replied to his questions, but now all he got was more frustrating statements. He'd lied to her? When? Had he been untruthful by not wearing all his emotions on the sleeve, or was she misunderstading something else? This time the stallion sighed, a weary sound that made the leaves of the shrub flutter and whisper, stirring as though someone invisible had brushed against them while walking around the room. The sound of the thunder and rain was fainter now, muffled by the wall of green; Lace was grateful, at least he wouldn't have to raise his voice again.
"When did I ever lie to you?" he asked half resignedly and gave her well-shaped rump an exasperating look, half annoyed, half amused by her childish refusal to look at him. "I've uttered half a dozen sentences since I arrived, which one was untrue? You can't honestly expect everyone to expose their innermost thoughts and feelings to you right from the get go, it's just not how the world works."
But then she turn his words against him and throw them back into his face, and Lace sigh once more and glare at her stubborn tail. He was fairly certain that he'd arrived to the core of the matter, but if she refused to tell him what was wrong then how would they ever be able to get past this? He absolutely refused to part with Dröm if she still viewed him as a villain over something she had started.
"Alright" he said, clearly struggling to maintain the calmness of his voice again. "I'll just have to make it so that I'm not a stranger anymore then, shall I? Where to begin..."
"I was born far from here, in a land called Gassul. It was a place where neither magic, winged horses nor horn-wearers existed; whether because the gods of the land had died a long time ago, or because the region was designed like that I don't know. My mother was a common mare in one of the largest clans in the country, and my father was a knight; a soldier sworn to defend the honor of himself, his clan and everyone who lived in it. When I was six months old I was separated from my parents and put in training along with every other colt my age, so that I too might become a knight. We were constantly at war, and before I was a year old I'd already participated in battle; by two I had already killed my first enemy. They called me brave then, said I was talented and had a promising future. Life was rough and dangerous, yet I was happy; I had my family, I had friends, and I was content. Then nature revolted, a mountain erupted and covered all of Gassul in fire and ash. All the clans scattered, some in groups and some on their own; I lost sight of my family in the panic to get away, and by the time I stopped running everything around me was unfamiliar. For some time I tried to find my way back, I searched for mother and father and my friends; but as the weeks passed I realized that not only was I alone, I didn't have anything to go back to. I kept walking."
He paused to clear his voice and turned away, staring blindly into the blooming vines as he relived his own memories. It was funny - he hadn't thought of his parents in such a long time, and now that he did the strength of his own emotions was almost enough to choke him. He wondered whether they were alive still, if he had gotten siblings - or whether the homeland still was as he remembered it; dying and destroyed.
"I roamed aimlessly for about a year after that" he eventually continued, steadying the voice so that it wouldn't tremble. "Sometimes I joined in with other travelers, sometimes I walked alone. More than once I had to defend myself against territorial herds, against predators or nature itself. I was on my third year of life when I came to Isilme, a land lying not too far from here. There I came across unicorns and pegasi for the first time, and was introduced to the concept of racism. It was a magnificent land Isilme; magic ran strong through the earth, its gods were alive and plentiful; but it was also a very tragic place. Constantly torn asunder by war and hatred, the spirits of what they called Originals, powerful stallions of each race constantly goading the leaders of the herds to be better, stronger, to conquer all the world for themselves. I was eventually swept up in it all as well, recruited into the equine herd by a mare called Aera the Shadowkissed. She led a section of the enormous nation they referred to as the Equine Empire, spanning more than two thirds of the land. I didn't think much about the implications then, I was just glad to have been scouted; I was allowed to join the ranks of the warriors, and took pride in patrolling the borders with the others. I think I was happy there, in the forest by the sea. I grew stronger, I found Fajira's egg and was entrusted to take care of it; life seemed great once more. But even as I grew to care for and love my fellow herdmates, I... I wanted something else, something more. I'd made friends with those of other races, and when it was frowned upon..."
He trailed off there, clearly struggling to find words. How could he possibly explain so she could understand, describe the superior mindset, the loathing of everything that was different, the chaos and thirst for blood? Without ever setting foot in the land, it would be impossible, and Lace possessed no gift for imprinting understanding into others - as had been made quite clear today.
With a deep breath, he instead just plunged into it, eyes closed and voice tight with disgust at himself.
"I betrayed them" he blurted, refusing to look at the girl so he wouldn't see whatever reaction she made to this. "I knew Aera had a history with the leading mare of another herd, Querida the LightningQueen; so I struck a deal with her, to set up a situation where she could do battle with my leader in private. In exchange I would be guaranteed a place in her own herd; I'd have everything I already possessed, and the freedom to make friends with whomever I wished as well." It seemed such a low price now, such a loathsome thing to do. How had he even come up with the idea?
"She agreed, I led Aera to the borders with some cock-and-bull story - and then I left, leaving her there to fend for herself. I don't know how the fight ended; I never tried to find out."
"After that, war broke out between the Empire and the unicorns, joined by us from the Woodlands as alliances had been made. I participated, battling my former friends; I lost pretty badly, something I'm quite glad over now; I took it hard back then of course, because I was a cocky ass of a youngster, not much older than you are now and I thought nothing would be able to defeat me. My new herd won the fight, later known as the War of the Tides, and this just made things worse; I began to withdraw from the others, I made a mess of things as old friends blamed me for my betrayal.. and before another season had passed I left along with Fajira."
"Then... I roamed. Straying from one place to the next, searching for something without knowing what. My own innocence perhaps, or some semblance of the confidence I once possessed. Maybe I just wanted someone to point me out for what I was; a turncoat and a traitor, and give me the punishment I deserved. It never happened; instead I joined mercenary bands and worked for one lord against another, offering up my life and blood in return for what I could get; a night in a sheltered place, food... mares..." He gave her a sideways glance at this, a dry grin ghosting over the corners of the mouth. "Somehow I survived, but nothing I did could take away the despair I felt. So, when Fajira began nagging at me about finding other dragons again, I wasn't too averse to obliging. I thought that maybe by going back to Isilme I could make right some of my old wrongs, maybe I could help someone and restore my honor. But... Isilme is no more. When we came upon the borders we found that it had been overrun by ghouls, shadowlike monsters with no love for the living. It was a land of the dead now, and we had to turn back without ever seeing our old home again. I didn't know what to do, Fajira was saddened; we kept walking, and it was by pure coincidence we stumbled into the Threshold here."
Another smile flicked across the mouth, this time accompanied by a knowing look as he glanced at Dröm; surely she knew what it was like, if she too came from another place. The uncertainty, the chaos of tracks and scents, the hesitation of whether to continue or turn around...
"I was approached then by a mare named Mirage" and here his voice suddenly turned warm, completely unable to hide the strength of his feelings for the mentioned lady - not that he tried. "She tried to recruit me into her outcast band, the Qian, tried to persuade me to join her cause in spreading peace and equality... But I'd had enough of herds and wars, I just wanted to be alone; so I declined and went off on my own, determined to keep away from anything and anyone that could possibly be hurt by my presence or who could hurt me. Imagine then my surprise when I realized that many of the old inhabitants of Isilme had fled here! It was pain and pleasure all at once, so incredibly bittersweet to be able to hear their voices, to see their faces and talk about the times that had passed. My conscience awoke like a roaring beast, I dredged deeper into depression... "
"It was Mirage that saved me, really. She refused to give up, kept following me around and nagged about the Qian. Eventually she had me cough up a confession about my crimes.... and she forgave me." The incredulity at this was even now strong enough to cast light over his face, a sense of wonder and trembling hope that was almost painful to see. "She absolved me of my sins and gave me a place to stay, she claimed I was needed in her family, in her Qian... I now owed her more than she will ever know, and so I accepted. I joined her ranks, I sparred with the soldiers, and when the seasons turned I went to war against the World's Edge, which then was under the reign of a unicorns only herd. We won. Mirage was blessed with a dragon's shape, named DragonHeart and became the queen of the land, and I became burdened with the blessing of the Moon... I thought it would make me happy too, because once again I had a herd to protect, a family to treasure... " Lace sighed.
"I don't even know why things turned out the way they did. I did my best to be a good clansman, I really did. I wielded the magical glass of the Moon Goddess in the name of the Qian, I defended the herd from invations as the banished unicorns continued to hold a grudge; I have lost count of all the kidnappings, skirmishes and outright wars fought against the horned - the Aurora Basin as they called themselves after finding a land up north. Yet while the herd thrived I remained discontent, restless. I'd lost my heart to Mirage but she didn't respond like I wished her to, her emotions for me remained that of a friend or treasured brother; she called it love but it wasn't the love I desired. I had to watch her grieve as one of our most loyal brothers was murdered, watched her falter and seek comfort with another as our sister was killed not long after that. She turned secretive, elusive, and when suddenly an attack by the Basin was revealed to have been provoked by her, I'd had enough. I stepped down from my position of power, I spoke of leaving the herd since she didn't trust me enough to consult before doing reckless things. Do you know what she did, Dröm? She offered me a crown. She asked me to rule by her side, to mount her even though she'd already birthed the daughters of another stallion, as if bedding her somehow would make things better. What does it say about me that I accepted the crown but not the mare? What kind of horse am I to not be able to leave a mare even after such an insult?" He shook his head, disgusted. The tale was almost over now, his words all but arrived at the present, the shame, the biggest failure of them all. He rushed on, wanted it to be over; then the girl might judge him, and see if she could do better.
"I ruled as best I could for the better part of a season" he pressed on, sounding tired now. "My measures to safeguard against the northern threat didn't go down well however, the herd didn't seem to think that being strict and firm was the way to go. More than once I heard them speak of me as racist and dictatorial because I remained suspicious of the horned kind, as though they hadn't suffered the loss of loved ones at cloven hooves as well. Perhaps we might have been able to work something out; unfortunately there was never time to do so. Darkness descended over Helovia, a disease that made creatures mad and cloaked them in horrendous forms. Unable to defend the Edge from it I had to watch them scatter, flee for their lives when I should have been there to defend them. I could only save one child before succumbing to the illness myself... and I thank the gods that I don't remember much of what happened while I was in that state." Almost, now, almost finished. His throat felt dry, the eyes hot and itchy. The storm raged on outside yet it was nothing to the one within as his life of repeated failures was laid bare.
"I came too sometime in late spring, realizing that I was returning back to my normal health. Helovia awakened something within me you see, it helps me heal quickly, it mends my bones and sew flesh back together; it purged my body from the plague, and the last was healed by my young protégé when I arrived back in the Threshold around midsummer. Since then I have been going around to check on my friends, making sure that they are alive and in health; I am also on a mission as offered by the Sun Lord, patron god of Dragon's Throat, who suggested I might be able to start anew there."
And it was done. He had told her everything, every single detail worth mentioning; was he still a stranger now? Did she require anything more of him before an end could be seen to this argument? Perhaps she had gotten at least a glimpse of his dislike for discord, how much he hated prejudice and preconceptions. Maybe, just maybe she would find that even though he was far from perfect she didn't have to cower in his presence, no matter how much he raised his voice.
He was, however, very stubborn, and if this was what it took for her to trust him, then he'd continue to gut himself and spill all the dirty secrets, all the heartbreak and self-loathing for the world to see. May it make her happy, if only it made her stop painting him out as a villain. He didn't wish to be one.
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[P] Silver trinkets and golden leather
