Perhaps the reason that being around him made her sad was that somewhere, deep within the mysterious maze that made up her foolish mind, was that she had an inkling that what she wanted to be was not right. That this love that she thought she had could never be more than the love she thought it was. Perhaps it was that the one thing she really wanted was the one thing that was out of her reach, out of her ability to control. Or maybe it was the gods themselves trying to speak to her- for sure sorely believed in the power of the gods. She had not known them in Avalon, but that did not change her love of them once she had realized they existed.

His wing over her back was familiar, finally drawing a smile to her otherwise forlorn face. The way the feathers brushed against her skin, the way his appendage draped over her just perfectly, like it was meant for her to be hear. She surrendered to his will, pressing against his side, his warmth fueling her. From above, in the trees, her little blue watched the interaction and wondered at it. The feelings he felt from his bonded were like nothing he had known her to experience and he did not know how to help her through this. So he just watched, wondering if his wings would draw the same reaction from the painted woman.

At least he had an answer for her- and surely his answer would be the answer. He was so smart, so hard-working. He knew the answer to every question she had ever asked him, even when she had not known how to ask it. He was Plato, she naught but some twisted version of comic relief like King Lear’s fool. And, like always, she hung on every word. Meaning, existence, remembrance, foals-. Her ears twitched, falling back, and she couldn’t help but lighten the amount of pressure she had placed on his side. Her mind went wild, thoughts whirling, images playing through her head too fast to comprehend but too slow to save her from their horrors.

Had she even given thought to such things, or had the idea of loving her king been so intoxicating that she had forgotten to delve into the deeper meaning. To Kaj love meant children and family. She hadn’t even considered it.

At some point, she realized that he had finished speaking, that it was her turn to respond, to give voice to the emotions within her. But what was there to say? She felt that familiar feeling of terror clawing up her bones. She had been ready to tell him she knew- she knew that she loved him, that she could love him without fear, she could love him without crying at the notion. It was not everyone else’s idea of love, but it was hers. But now? Now she did not know what she was supposed to say. How could she ever explain to him that foals were worse than love, that should could not bring a foal into this earth because she could not be bound by such atrocities? How could she beg him to love her and then never give him what he had just named one of his greatest desires- fatherhood.

She couldn’t.

So, for perhaps the first time in her entire life, Kahlua did something that could almost be considered selfless. She wasn’t even surprised that this meant another heartbreak. That was life, it seemed- moments of absolute glee followed by moments of shattered dreams and vivid nightmares. “I’m sorry I asked you to love me,” she lied, though perhaps not very well- she had never been good at it. Her eyes fell to the floor and she pawed at the dirt slowly, watching the way her hoof traced a line into the ground, almost dividing her from Kaj. It was an accident, and yet… it seemed so solid.

She shifted out from under his wing, drawing away so that she could make her words seem more real to herself, if not to him. “I was scared that day, after… after Aurelia,” she continued, her words dropping to naught but a whisper by the end. That was easier to say, because it was the truth. “I’ve held you back, stopped you from reaching your dreams while you waited for me to figure myself out. Please,” she begged of him, raising those blue eyes from the ground at last. “Please forgive me.” Taking a deep breath, trying so hard to hold back the tears that wanted to fall as she pushed him away for his own good, and not for hers, she added at the end, “You’ll always be my best friend, Kaj. How would I ever have gotten through any of this without you?”

Absently, her eyes then moved to a new spot, to Khan in the trees, trying to find solace in his feathers instead of her king’s. What else could she do? She could not give Kaj what he wanted… what he needed. She could not hold him back any longer. She was broken, it seemed. Why should she break him too?