i won't be saved

i am lost. my existence has diminished to nothingness. somewhere along the way to recovery i found myself falling back into an emotionless abyss. my life is merely a mess of memories, scrambled, mixed and overlapping, some intertwining with the dreams and the nightmares that haunt my sleep. my emotions fade out, greying so there is not in between moods. it is either i am fuming with rage or desiring nothing more than to lay down and weep until my eyes run dry and my body shrivels. my world is nothing more than cowering within the shadows haunted by voices and memories that i'll likely never let go of only because they are all i have to keep me from losing myself completely.

sameira's own mood has been low, our bond dragging her into the pits with me, ensnaring her in my own trap of pitiful self destruction. she's stronger than i am, fighting against the reins of depression, keeping it at bay. she cares for me more than i care for myself, often poking and prodding until i get up to eat and drink. some days she'll leave and won't return until nightfall of the next day, leaving me to do it myself. she's begun to do that regularly, and refuses to tell me where she's gone, only returning after the moon rises over the falls.

i hate to say i had almost forgotten who i was, watching as the line between friends and enemies blurred. white hot burning rage would rise and bubble, brewing from the deepest corners of my being at the mere thoughts of sikeax stepping a foot closer to me, or seele ducking in to check on me. i would spit and snarl, snapping at sameira if she ever dared come close. by now she knows not to approach me while i'm having an episode, usually running away to find something to do until i calmed myself down. some nights it was not rage but fear, panic, a paranoia that clings to the back of my mind, a spot i can't scratch. for hours during this state i'll mindlessly itch and bite at my sides, the areas beneath my wings hairless and infected. i would sob into my wounds, choking on my tears as i fall farther back into despair. with tooth and claw i would fight my way into a state of neutrality, where i was most at ease. but no matter how hard i tried i would always stumble back and end up at the bottom once again.

in the cold, my body shakes and trembles. sameira has gone on another adventure, and likely won't return until tomorrow. i can feel the faintness of our bond, how i can feel her mind tug with each sound she hears, the sounds of shuffling feet, tiny patters of mice, the crunching of snow underfoot, these sounds flooded my mind now and then, my ears twitching at the slightest indication of another life.

i find myself freezing down to the bone, thin body shaking rapidly, heat escaping through my mouth. struggling to stand up, i feel pain shoot up my leg, my body stumbling forward as i try to regain my balance. a fresh wound on my foreleg sends my mind reeling as i frantically try to remember what had happened. a large whole in my memory of last night brings the air out of my lungs as i suck in, the knot in my throat bobbing. i had an episode last night didn't i? my eyes flicker up into the harsh, snow covered falls, taking a hesitant step forward as i await sameira's response. "thus why i left amidst the night." her tone is soft, sympathetic, soothing as it melts over me. she's trying to be as sweet as she can despite her own emotions being jumbled only because mine have a great influence over her. heaving myself into the open world i swallow the knot in my throat, feeling it dissipate. but in turn tears rolled from my cheeks, the cold air of frostfall threatening to jump at them and freeze them before they even leave my eyes.

stumbling forward on unsteady legs, i move along the outskirts of the falls, wanting not to run into anyone. i do not think i will run into anyone until i see midas, the painted king striding towards a handful of trees. perking my ears i begin to step back, my stomach no longer empty but filled with fear, i begin to turn until i see a flicker of sameira's body snaking within the trees midas was heading for. what are you doing? my thoughts to her are weak whispers, yet still firm. i can see her change in expression as soon as my words reach her. she angles her head towards me, responding with a single name that sends me reeling back into the shadows of my conscious. "seele." the grim way she says it implies that there is nothing to smile about in this time. managing to break into a slow, heavy canter, i pursue sameira as she darts through the trees, strides ahead of me. bursting into a clearing i see midas, hooves dancing at the edge of a frozen river bank. my eyes drag across the snow covered earth to find seele standing on thin ice, body thin and battered.

i do not hesitate to rush forth, panic flowering across my features. tears leave wet stains falling over my cheeks, crystalline drops rolling down my face as i fight my way to seele with my heart thumping madly beneath my chest. "seele!" i choke out, hooves anxiously dancing at the edge of the river, my wings flapping as i push myself away from the edge of the surface of the icy river. i look towards midas with my veins pulsing, body trembling, eyes wide with fear. she is standing on dangerous ground, and i cannot stand by to watch. the constant fatigue i had been facing had been pushed aside by the pure rush of fear and anxiety as i dance along the edge of the river. why had i not seen her before? why had i not gotten off my ass to find her rather than rolling in my own self pity? my stomach twists and knots with each question, cheeks wet from my tears and joints throbbing dully from all the movement i don't normally do.

tags • kinda long and rambly