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11-26-2014, 06:51 PM
GAUCHO
& if we should die tonight then we should all die together
& if we should die tonight then we should all die together
By the time Buce spoke, Gaucho's mind and already switched gears. He was in the zone, and once you're in the zone sarcasm has no force. The only response the gold-flecked stallion would receive was a brief flickering of ears, a simple indication that Gaucho had heard the words even if he chose not to acknowledge them.
His stormy gaze focused solely on the stallion as he swayed in place, before finally beginning to almost prance. The dun couldn't tell if this was meant to be intimidating, indicative of fear, or a sign that he needed to urinate. Whatever it was, he wouldn't be taken in by it. Gaucho stood nearly immobile, the greatest movement being the flickering of the flames on his wings. He was as patient as he was primtive; whatever war waged in Buce's mind was of no concern to him. The only thing he cared about was -
- movement.
The Wildfire did not move as Buce rushed towards him. Gaucho was larger and more muscular; his body could withstand a charge from the leaner stallion. Not only that, but he had antlers and his collar made of spikes. If the stallion was stupid enough to rush directly at him there were many things that could be done to dissuade a full on bodycheck (like a wall of flames, perhaps?). Gaucho's muscles tensed, ready to lower his shoulder and antlers against the oncoming stud, when suddenly he halted. The dun's nostrils flared as he watched Buce's wings begin to stir the debris and delicate petals upwards. Briefly Gaucho wondered if the fellow had magic that he hadn't previously disclosed, or if perhaps his magic as a crafter allowed him to manipulate these objects as he could metals? However these thoughts were dismissed quickly as Gaucho felt the wind upon his face as well as the irritants: this was not magic, merely cunning. Gaucho approved.
His eyes shut as his head was thrust upwards as if trying to evade the cloud of pollen, leaves, dirt, petals and whatever else Buce's feathers had stirred up. He wasn't quite fast enough, and could feel his eyes begin to sting and itch, water and blur. Snorting, he felt movement on his right side - a brushing against the bottom feathers of his right wing. Under me?! He wondered furiously, directing his thoughts at Mara who confirmed that the stallion indeed seemed to be moving in that direction. Gaucho unknowing just what the stallion meant to do (given that he kept his eyes forced shut) shoved his shoulder roughly to the right. His aim was to force the sharpened bone spikes into whatever part of Buce was closest - he assumed it would be his flank but any fleshy part would do.
Blinking dumbly to ensure that whatever particles had floated into his eyes were out, Gaucho cast a watery gaze to the right to try and spy the stallion, finding that he was much closer than Gaucho would have assumed. Gaucho's ears pinned against his skull, as he saw teeth moving towards his wing through watery eyes. With a loud grunt, Gaucho threw his shoulder to the right once again. If he wanted his teeth to meet any part of Gaucho, the dun would happily oblige. He meant for part of his wither to smack the stallion in the nose as he tried to bite, but really the manuever was strategic: he needed Buce close, which meant letting him bite. Feeling teeth sink into his flesh, Gaucho snarled with pain, pushing the weight onto his front legs as he bucked in Buce's direction. He felt the stallion seem to pull up, as if rearing. The movement was confusing - did Buce think he had the strength to pull Gaucho upward with his teeth? Did he think his crafting magic would extend to Gaucho's body? Whatever it was, it was foolish. Gaucho felt feathers and hair tug away from his body as his hind legs sought whatever part of Buce they could find - possibly his belly if he was fool hardy enough to rear so close.
As blood began to bead from the wound created by Bucephalus' teeth, smoke poured from Gaucho's antlers and immediately seemed to catch on fire. 5 birds of varying sizes took form, flying towards Buce on wings composed entirely of fire. Molten eyes narrowed in unison as fiery talons and wings rose into the air and then back down again. Snarling Gaucho lurched forward, moving forward and to the left as his fiery accomplices shot down towards Buce; three shapes the size of large birds aimed for his head while the other two (much larger, nearer to the size of large eagles) circled to come at each side of his rib cage.
Summary: Gaucho tosses his head upwards and closes his eyes as Buce kicks up dirt. He throws his shoulder to the right to try and stab him as he passes by, thrusts his shoulder to the right again as Buce tries to bite to try and hit him in the mouth, and then bucks as Buce bites/rears. He lurches forward and to the left and uses his magic to create 5 fiery birds that fly towards Buce.
Attack: 1/3
WC: 797
Timeline: Regular.
Teaching Notes: Let me first say I REALLY like this method of attacking. Using the environment in the way that you did is incredible creative, and at that distance, effective. Given the size difference, making Gauhco unbalanced is an excellent maneuver!
In terms of realism, I think wording is going to be your biggest area of opportunity. For instance, you describe him as rushing forward and at the last minute stopping to throw up dust. When I think of the 'last minute' I imagine it being right before they collide. But if that's the case, there isn't really a ton of room to stir up dust and petals? For those to get into Gaucho's eyes you sort of need ... what? 5 feetish where he can be flapping such that the debris actually makings it to Gaucho's eyes? Right now I don't really see why Buce would be affected either if they really are so close. The other problem came from this line: as Altan darted behind him, twisting to try and grab the stallion's wingjoint in his teeth. I know Buce is agile, but you make it sound like Gaucho is this stone block who isn't going to move. Gaucho is a Hano, but he's definitely more agile than someone like Archi for instance. So to say that you 'darted behind him' makes it sound like you are a mouse compared to a boulder which isn't quite the case. I think I understand the motivation behind it, it's something like "while he's distracted, given Buce's superior speed, he tries to move around his wing as efficiently and swiftly as possible", but none of that was written, and so it comes off very unrealistic. Given that Gaucho's wings are outstretched (and that they're BIG), you need to account for the time it would take - which is going to be more than a few seconds, given that Buce has to turn around in order to bite him. You also forgot to mention which side he was going under! Since you didn't specify, I get to decide :)
Another area I think could have been expanded is the whole tension between Buce and Altan. At first I didn't understand what was happening, or if Buce had a companion I wasn't aware of, until I realized it was more of a Dr Jerkyl Mr. Hyde thing going on (I think that's sort of what it's like???). If that's the case, I would have LOVED to have seen your second paragraph fleshed out a little more so that 1) you get points for inner turmoil when it comes to judging and 2) so that I have an idea of what's going on, especially if you're going to switch and start referring to the personality Altan in place of saying "Buce".
Basically, I would utilize more of your word count. If your character has weird mental states going on, describe them. If you're going to attack, take the time to explicitly write out what's happening, at what length/intervals, and how everything is working together.
Final comment: I know you asked me over Skype about Mara which is really good. It's always important to take into account what companion your opponent has. The other things to note are items and magic. So Gaucho's magic is fully maxed out, which means he has two types of abilities that are upgraded. He also has an item, a collar of bone spikes that are around his shoulders. It's super important for you to be aware of these things, as they ought to effect how your character decides to attack. For instance, given that Gaucho's wings are on fire, wouldn't Buce be a little bit worried about trying to run under them? Given that he's seen Gaucho make animals out of fire, isn't he concerned about being burned? Etc.
But over all, great post! There weren't many grammatical errors and as I said above, I REALLY like your strategy so far.
