Father came to the beach to gather things for the festival of the sun. I know I said I would help but ... I just don't feel very joyous right now. I'm sure that's blasphemous, to not want to participate in the planning and preparation to honour our Lord of the Sun but .. my heart just isn't in it.

I miss Mother and I miss Ivezho. I don't understand this world yet even though everyone else seems to have things figured out. Everyone knows everybody else; they all know where the lands are, who leads them, and what's happening. I know none of it. I really try .. I try to learn, to remember but .. It feels like I'll never catch up, like there isn't enough time. Father tells me that I should just enjoy being a child because it won't last much longer. Ha.. I already feel like it's over.

All I can think about are the expectations placed upon me ... what the bird-lady said about being brave. What was the point? She had asked me and ... and then nothing happened. Had I failed? I thought I did what I was supposed to, confronting the things that scared me, but apparently that hadn't been right. Whatever it was she had .. she had shown to someone else. I hadn't even meant to go there I just .. I just wandered and look where it got me...

I'm wandering now and -

"Oh!" The word falls from my lips. I barely notice that I've said anything at all actually because all I can hear is it. It's so sad. I can hear laughter but .. but it's fake. I know fake laughter when I hear it, as I most often hear it coming from me when I'm in the presence of Father or Mother and the higher members of the Throat. I look around, but no one is here yet. Surely they will be soon... I can never stay alone for very long, but for now it's just me and it, and the song.

I shiver a little as I draw near. It wants me to respond in kind, I can feel that somehow but .. but I can't sing. Mother can .. but not me. I don't want to, and I shake my head in front of the egg to emphasize this. "I like yours better." I mumble, bright gaze peering at the egg.

But then I remember ... I remember being born. I remember almost dying, and the insatiable desire to hear the voices of my family before I was finally pulled into the blackness. Was that what was happening? The egg looked okay ... but maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was dying too .. I am suddenly filled with a wave of fear. Should I run? Find a healer? No .. I don't want to leave it alone. No one wants to die alone. "Okay then..." I whisper, looking around to make sure no one was around to hear what was surely to be awful. "I'm sorry in advance."

Taking a breath, I opened my mouth and let my tongue form around the thougths that bloomed and blossomed within my heart and mind. My voice was shaky, but had a pureness of tone that only children seem to have. The words .. well they were a little simple. Someone who might come after might offer something more intricate and beautiful.

But I'm young. I'm doing the best that I can. I'm trying..

"The bird-lady told me to be brave,
her words descended like a cold wave
I realized I knew not
Just what it was I ought
To do in order to be brave.

I've thought a lot about what she said,
but even now I'm filled with much dread
very hard, such mistake,
not knowing what it will take...
Feeling like i'm just staggering ahead.

My twin Ivezho has been away...
I get more and more lonely every day.
But maybe with you
it'll be easier to
make it through the silence and the grey.

I'm not even sure what you are,
and these words might sound from afar
like someone whose small
but my heart isn't at all
and together I know we'll go far."

I can feel myself shaking all over - like the kind of shaking that happens when you're being honest. The sort of shaking that implies vulnerability and uncertainty. I can't tell if whatever was in the egg liked my song ... I don't know if I liked it either.

I just don't want it to die alone. I just want it to know I'm here.