Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts

I watch her, desperate for any sign that she might give me the answer I hope for, the resolution that I need. I pray to all the Gods that the answer is in the positive. 'Please, please say yes.' Every fiber of my being is tensed, I'm holding my breath waiting. But the look on her face, in her eyes... She doesn't want to be here, she doesn't want to face this. Like a cornered animal she wants to run and hide from the danger that is my desperation for answers.

Her eyes tell me a different story than the one running in my mind. The answers that I seek.. the hope I have that this story will end 'happily ever after'.. She paints the opposite picture. Her eyes don't hold the sorrow I do. Sympathy. Her eyes are sympathetic. Before she opens her mouth to speak, before those beautiful lips part.. Lips I had once felt on my neck, on my cheek. Lips that kissed away tears and spoke words of love and affection... I had been so certain. I thought I understood, that I knew with conviction that we were right together, that we had found each other in a whirlwind of random encounters and romance and that we were meant for each other.

But her eyes told me that the path my heart followed was a lie. I'm on a path leading to nowhere, to walk into the sea or off the edge of a cliff and there's no one to catch me. No one to save me when I'm drowning or catch me before I hit the ground. I am alone in my plight, and the love that I thought was standing next to me is just a phantom. A wisp of hope, a desire, so fully formed, gaining strength -- tangible, I thought it was real. Blow and it disappears.

I blew too hard.

Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though

Her lips part, those kissable grey lips, and they tell me the truth. The truth that I should have realized, should have accepted, denied with every fiber of my being. She tries to soften the blow, tries to make it more understandable, more relatable, more acceptable. She doesn't want to break my heart, she's always been too nice for that. She doesn't want to destroy me and leave a mound of Silk left for others to tromp through. Don't spare me, Africa. Tell me how it is... But she does. She does tell me and the words are like knives. How cliché but could it be truer? 'I'm sorry Silk, I have nothing left for us.' You try to soften the blow but you took away the mattress just before I hit the ground. Could you have worded it less horrifically?

'I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight'

I try to blink away the tears but it does me no good. They have a mind of their own and they flow freely down my cheeks. How can I have shame of my feelings, certainly I have more than the female before me. I have so many feelings built up deep inside I don't know what to do with them anymore. I cry for you Africa I cry for us. I cry for the future that lies in uncertainty. At first I say nothing, because what words are there? Thank you? I'm sorry? Love you still? Nothing seems right, nothing feels right.

I was lovestruck. I knew where I stood, I was grounded. Now I'm floating and the world seems surreal. Who is this one-winged beauty standing before me? Was this all make believe? Did I imagine it all from the beginning? Were my feelings based on a fantasy? What was it that night by the fire that made me change, see the world in a different way? We had both changed, but we took separate paths and never converged the way two lovers should. I part my lips, nothing comes out. I try again, and again. I get frustrated and rage flares before burning out and I try again to speak. This time it works.

"The part of me that I gave to you, I will never get back." I stop, feeling myself choking up. I can't lose it now, I can't fall apart anymore than I already have. I can't let her see me lose everything I am. Everything I gave. "I wish you happiness, Africa the Starry-Eyed." I spread my wings, and hesitate just one moment, as if to say something else. I look at her with wistful eyes, pained expression marring my features. There is no escaping the agony of a shattered heart. I turn and run, gaining lift off to return to the desert land.

---

I land clumsily in the sands of the desert, my legs crumpling beneath me as soon as I have slowed enough to avoid injury. My wings in a heap, sand sprayed around me. I'm pathetic. My mane and tail splayed awkwardly. Sand partially covers me. I take a deep breath.... And I begin to cry, as a mother who has lost her babe. For I have never known love before now, and so have never known love lost. I have given so much of my short life to a woman who never returned the love that I so freely gave. I move a wing over my face, shielding myself from the light. And I cry until I can cry no more.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie


Walking "Talking"

Satanic Silk