HECTOR
Realism [-1]
You began really well and I thoroughly enjoyed your first attack post - him relying on his companion to try and scare her off was great! After that however your attacks became a bit hard to decipher in the following 2 posts. I also needed to see a lot more injury description and its lasting effects. You would state how you took your opponent’s attacks and that it hurt, but either not enough damage was taken, or the injury never really occured. For instance your shoulder bite in your second post, which was well described, was not enough damage considering she rolled a 6 (and you did not receive damage in any other way), not to mention it never hindered his movements the rest of the fight. Then in your third post you take your opponent’s feather pulling and ramming attack, but what actual injuries and damage does he take from that? Same thing in your closing defense, you take her hits, but do not assess the actual injury or damage. Additionally his attack at kicking her while on the ground didn't seem realistic.

I would have loved to see a lot more breed differences mentioned given the huge differences in height, and the fact Hector has higher strength, agility, and speed (at one point Hector was surprised at her speed and commented he could never be that fast…). Additionally while you mentioned the weather sometimes, you never really used it, good or bad. The exception to this was your third post you did talk about the sand tripping you up and helping lead to your fall, which I loved because that’s exactly what would have happened.


Emotion [+2]
I really loved the relationship between Hector and his companion and his initial reactions to having to fight Drom, combined with her continual high damage rolls which kept making him look like a fool, bahaha.


Prose [+3.5]
You have got great flow and just in general beautiful writing.


Readability [0]
Your first post was flawless, but your second and third posts were extremely confusing to me when it came to his attacks. In the last paragraph of post two you say his right wing is nearest to her, but he’s on her right side? I’m also not sure if he was potentially colliding with her because he was chasing her and she stopped, or because he was going to ram her, but didn’t want to hurt her that bad. Same thing with your third post, it took me a few reads to understand he was indeed falling, although I’m still not entirely sure in relation to her, and then I was very confused about his hind feet kicking her when he never said he stood up. Only by reading your fourth post did I realize he was on his back kicking her from the ground, however I needed that information in that third post.

Beautiful writing, just make what needs to be clear easy to read for your opponent and judges.

Post 2:
“...the flaxen hair limp across upon her poll …” (across or upon, not both).


Finally tally: 40.5+(4.5*2)= 49.5 HP


DROM
Realism [0]
I think you are just on the cusp of great realism, the biggest struggle I had was that you didn’t describe things enough to convince me that they could be realistic. I don’t want to be told Drom runs away after she attacks, that’s far too vague, I want to be lead through each excruciating detail of why she chooses to run off, which direction she goes, how she’s able to given that attacking someone means your near them (agility, size etc. all can affect this). The details were lost in so many things, so if you walk away from anything with this fight, please take the time to describe more.

That includes utilizing settings and breed more, for good or bad. Drom and Hector had a huge size difference and Hector had higher stats than her in everything except Endurance - use it! She wants to kick his croup, but guess what she’s short he’s tall, so instead maybe she hits more around his hock. She meant to evade faster, but oh shoot the sand slowed her down more than expected and that’s why he was able to land that hit on her. You mention rain and wind and sand, but you never use it.

And finally, please also describe your injuries and use them too. You are suffocated in your first post, there should be painful, lasting effects from that. She’s mad, great, but maybe she can’t run his ass down as easily as she wants because she’s still winded and her vision is a bit foggy. because with what you wrote, just feeling your breath choked out and then it’s all gon and you’re hunky dory again, you didn’t take enough damage given that he rolled 4. Same thing in your third post - you just got a 6 damage rolled and took it all to the chest and shoulder, yet directly afterwards you have the health to rear up and kick him multiple times with the very legs that were just supposed to have been obliterated??? That was not nearly enough damage then if it didn’t debilitate you and only scored some missing hair and a bruise. If you need help understanding damage from the dice, please as an admin and they can guide you to what is appropriate for what number values.


Emotion [+1]
I really felt that Drom had the potential to be a great source of emotion, and I especially loved how she got angry and stood up for herself in post one, but I often felt I was being told what Drom was feeling, rather than show. I want to feel what she feels with her.


Prose [+1]
Your writing is easy to understand, but there are a lot of choppy transitions and chunks of paragraph that don’t seem to relate to what else is in the post.


Readability [0]
Your posts were easy to read and you were good at describing where you were in relation to your opponent, but you had a lot of grammar issues which were very distraction. They included: typos, run on sentences, tense changes, and narrative changes (third vs. first person). Watch your wording and review your posts before posting them!

Post 1:
“The Storyteller would normally stand up to a horse like this, but the mood changed. “ (would not?).
“It was as if his hands were on her neck as they closed in a vise like grip. But this stallion had no hands, and he was not touching me.” (third to first person change).
“...feeling eventually left, and she could breath, and breath she did” (breathe).
“Golden ears flatten against blonde locks as her eyes flash with anger.” (flashed, to stick with tense).
“With that being said, she lunged forwards. Her jaw is wide, ivories exposed. She has thrown all her weight (which must not amount to much compared to the tribrid) forwards.” (tense changes, and in many other sentences.).
“She finds herself 15ft give it take, away…” (or).
“Which side would the Orange stallion choose…” (lower case o).

Post 2:
“This taste, she hated it, but would ignore her own displeasure, so that she may focus on the spar, as that was the most important currently happening event right now.” (run on).
“...she speaks louder know…” (now).

Post 3:
“...she didn't continue charge….” (the charge or charging).


Finally tally: 29+(2*2)= 33 HP