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12-29-2014, 07:05 PM
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I'm dead in the water, still looking for ya'
Things changed so drastically. Yet, while it was drastic it was still peaceful. I shuddered away, at first, confused as to what exactly it was I was feeling before me. Were the grasses bending? Growing? Were the leaves hitting something? Should I run, once more? Was I safe? But, as strangely as it had happened, the sudden low frequency reminded me of the bay form of the Earth God. Quietly, my blind gaze searched to meet the vivid emerald I recalled from when I had met him earlier as I allowed my frame to relax in my place. It was his voice that allowed me to be exactly certain as to who he was. The calm, rumbling voice allowed a gentle smile to lift up the edges of my lips. "You came, sire… Thank you." It was but a whisper, but the gratitude was something clearly present upon it. Alas, he had asked a question and so I would answer. There was a pause as I allowed my eyes to close, to truly think over the words which would fall from my lips. How could someone explain this hole? It had been difficult for Cirrus - but I had felt it so vividly in the way she had changed the weather. Aurelia… she had broken, begged and pleaded for her companion to be healed, taken care of. It seemed as though she had completely broken, shattered, and lost the ability to be reasonable. Phaedra. Yes. She had been the only one truly coherent with words. No. I wouldn't start there. I would start with the grieving. "For… for a while I thought I was to be truly alone. There seemed to be no way to explain what had happened to me. I felt so lost and I finally realized how large of a hole was inside my heart. I… I wasn't sure I could breathe. The weight of my loss hit me in waves, some days I felt as though I could go on, other days I wanted to do nothing but cry…" I paused, body shuddering at the empty hole that I knew would never really be filled, that I had accepted would never be filled. I forced myself to stop shaking, though. I tried to continue explaining something was nearly impossible to explain unless one had experienced it. "I was shattered. I didn't think anyone would understand, or try to understand. But the two seasons you gave me, with no words to try and explain the brokenness of my heart - of my soul - truly let me grieve. I would never have done it had you not stripped me of the main way we communicate. I would have tried to push it away, and move forth to be strong for everyone else instead of doing the one thing that I truly needed. There were days that I couldn't move, all I could do was cry. But it was also during this time that the desire to have a hawk to always be there for me as my previous one had, that the desire faded. I realized in the beginning that I was clinging to this hope that I'd have someone else who understood me and wouldn't leave me. During this time, however, I realized I already had a good few who did just that. The strong desire to gain another to fill the hole… it left - at least that reason for it left." I swallowed, mind shifting back to the three whom I had spoken with. "When the seasons were up and I could once again speak I managed to stumble across all three of those whom you said I should speak with. Two of which had lost their companion. Cirrus… she was broken, shattered. She kept begging for her companion to return to her and when I met her she was almost unwilling to accept that she had lost him. She was like me when I first came into these lands to feel our connection severed. I felt the pain she was feeling, for she changed the weather so violently. I knew then that suffering would eternal, that pain would never end. Aurelia… I met her when she lost her companion. She begged and pleaded for her to be saved, but it was to late. She was already dead. I saw mental distress. I tried to help her - to guide her toward grieving because it gave me the clearest picture. I was afraid she might call for revenge, and I said to give her a good funeral. We both apologized for each other's loss, though I knew she was still in shock. I'm hoping that her pain has not eaten her alive as mine almost did to me. I will have to check on her soon - see to it that she has not completely fallen off the edge. And, lastly, I spoke with Phaedra. She was able to speak… find words to fully explain what I was feeling. She spoke of a bridge, being absolutely useless as the bridge broke - not allowing her to get to the other side. How her wings were heavy and she knew she had to get to Stella. She said it was like watching herself die, feeling it - and I cannot argue with that. For when I saw the glowing marking upon my haunches I could feel my soul withering away. There was no more denial - my companion had passed and I truly had felt dead…" A break. I'm uncertain as to what else to add, but as my mind runs the words I told Phaedra seemed to sum up the change of my soul, of all that I had truly learned. "I know now… that I blame myself for his death - for his loss. My soul burns, like I'm drowning in those flames because it was my fault he died. I want an opportunity to allow another hawk a good life. I will not let him get hurt. I will throw myself in front of whatever danger comes his - or her - way. I will not let them suffer again. I want to help others…" I pause, bowing my head and allow one last phrase to fall from my lips. "I'm sorry… it is difficult to put into words…" If I had another companion I would do everything to help them. And in the process they may help me. The companion could keep from getting into some of these situations again… it could keep me from hurting those I loved even more from showing up injured or confused. It could help me spread the peace I had begun to start feeling since completing this quest and finally coming to terms with the pain that radiated in my soul. It would allow me to fully be there for everyone else who needed me… omg; so long; i'm sorry xD
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Mystified, just spinning 'round in circles
Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say
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Mystified, just spinning 'round in circles
Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say
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