"Where brilliance is good and madness is better..."
Helovia Info
Helovia opened in February 2012! We are an active fantasy equine RPG
Where once the world narrowed into naught but gray dust and desolation, the gods called for life. Wielding the elements of fire and light, dark and wind, earth and water, spark and time, they have created Helovia. The realm is set within the mythical globe of Loorien, a planet rich with all variety of creatures and blessed with all manner of magic. Originally populated by nomadic, tribal characters, they've since grown into massive empires saturated with culture and history. Separated into four distinct segments of Helovia, called "The Regions," each band of horse strong enough and capable enough, took up the power and responsibility of leadership. Unicorns, old, wise and mysterious, took to the north, hidden in forests of mists and shadows and rarely making themselves known beyond their cliffs of the World's Edge. Equines, vast, organized and militaristic, split into two, one group went north to the Windtossed Foothills and the other group went south to the Dragon's Throat. Pegasus remained nomadic, making their homes in various parts of The Wilds in a migratory manner. For many generations, the land was peaceful and calm, but peace was never the way of the gods. With a clash of argument, war and bloodshed massacred Helovia, and in the aftermath, the realm was eerily quiet. Now, as newcomers sweep into this land, they are met with the lingering bitterness of the gods and the struggle to reclaim what was lost. Nothing remains safe or certain while sorcerers and soldiers alike brood and bide their time for revenge, honor and glory.
Site Wide Plots
Kaos :: The Beginning of the End ☼ - 6/2017 - Kaos placed Helovia in a time-bubble for a short period of time, but the Helovian gods are fighting back. But Kaos is powerful- far more powerful than anyone thought. This may be the beginning of the end of Helovia as we know it.
Kisamoa :: A New Kind of Kaos ☼ - 3/2017 - Kisamoa asks Helovians to help him restore the Spectral Marsh. Which side will you choose?
Invasions :: All Out War ☼ - 5/2/16 - New layout and the brand new invasion rules are up! Thank you for your patience and we look forward to getting started with this new adventure.
The Rift :: Gods Do Die ☼ - 8/2015 - Helovia Gods are saving the Rift from corrupt gods! Can Helovians band together against these foreign deities?
The Literal Ship ☼ - 2/8/15 - Oh no! You have to pair up for Valentine's day!
Sky Island :: Murder ☼ - 10/25/14 - Vesta has been found dead on the island, and the gods have called to you to solve the murder!
Sky Island :: Peace ☼ - 7/7/14 - An island has appeared in the sky! Clouds carry Helovians from the Veins to the sky.
Restoration :: We Welcome the Dawn ☼ - 9/21/13 - The sun has finally risen on this day, giving the land new light, but the Time God and the Sun God have yet to be seen.
Endless Night :: Broken Magic Plot ☼ - 8/30/13 - The earth god has returned and is walking across Helovia to heal the land. Every area can now be considered lush and prosperous, but the sun has still not risen.
☼ - 7/19/13 - The moon has risen in the sky, heralding the return of the Goddess of the moon. Lamp trees which light the paths have grown brighter, moon flowers which grow in dark places have begun to grow and prosper and the world is brighter, filled with a new hope.
Endless Night :: Dead Magic Plot ☼ - 6/22/13 - The gods of Helovia, in order to protect the world, have disappeared into the rift, leaving the world sunless, moonless and magic-less in their absence. Only the herdlands have a source of light, but lamp-trees with glowing leaves and branches sporadically line the popular roads and paths from place to place.
Doppleganger Plot ☼ - 6/20/13 - The God of Time is still struggling to close the rift though which the dopplegangers have come. He has requested that his brothers and sister assist in closing this hole, but without knowing why it opened, the task is proving difficult. Magic still remains faulty and hard to control, but the herdlands continue to be places of refuge for those who are fortunate enough to call these lands home.
ORANGEMOON cools off the lands with a a viscious force. Colder than normal, a sign of things to come during Frostfall, Helovia is bathed in a rich tropical lushness - albiet a cold one. The coastlines of the Dragon's Throat are pelted constantly by tidal waves, and the desert climate is humid but chilly. Ice begins to form early in the Aurora Basin leaving the winding trails slick and dangerous. The mists of the World's Edge coat everything in a glistening crystalline shine which encourages mould to grow everywhere. The Spectral Marsh is the only area which remains fertile, blissfully temperature and lush.
Cotm
Character of the Month for
June, 2017
WEAVER, Corporal of the Aurora Basin, is a relatively recent addition to Helovia and has taken it by storm. Branded with the seal of Death on her chest, intrigue and interest follow both her past and present. Though she is assuredly beautiful, her sometimes sharp personality reveals that there is more to this uni-peg hybrid than meets the eye. Proving herself able on the battlefield in the Basin’s warrior ranks, we can’t wait to see her test her mettle against the looming Kaos happenings! Congratulations!
Helovia RPG was created by Tamme and Blu and coded by Tamme also known as Schwartze. All coding, palettes and imagery are copyrighted to the website and are not for use outside of Helovia. Thank you to our ServerMaster for hosting Helovia. A special thanks goes to Neo for all of her coding help and fixing Tamme's errors, Boom, for her loyal service and creation of the Time God, and to Ali for her consistent contributions and dedication.
Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
Evangeline sighed as she stood under the gently swaying branches of one of the Grove's many willows. Whenever she needed time away from the Edge to relax or think she ended up exactly where she was. She and Tallis already had a small fire going and enough wood to keep it stoked through the night. The orange mare had not intended to stay out so late, but when the sun had dipped below the horizon she knew it was too late to head back to the Edge and that she would have to bed down where she was for the night. It was not the first time that she had spent the night alone in the Grove, but it was the first time since the murders had started. Tallis was none too thrilled about the two of them staying where they were, but Evangeline did not want to make the journey back in the pitch dark.
"Tallis." She called softly to the dragon who had flown off to check for threats under the trees close to where he and Eva had chosen to stay. She had not seen or smelled anything out of the ordinary since they had arrived and she was confident that it was just the two of them and that was exactly what she wanted. She needed the peace and the tranquility after the emotional chaos that Thor had thrown her into. She needed to gather some normalcy and process everything that had happened in so short a period of time. She needed to figure out how Thor had, so easily, crashed through every wall she had put up as if it were nothing more than dried, brittle grass.
The dragon trilled as he returned, his weight settling on Evangeline's hind quarter. 'Don't like this.' He humphed as he kept look out for anything that might sneak up behind her. "I know. I'm sorry." The next time she'd be more mindful of the hour and make sure she got back to the Edge before dark.
The answers you seek,
Shall be yours,
Once I claim,
What is mine.
No matter how many times I told myself this was a simple stroll, a mere wandering of the mind, I could not make it true. I hadn’t arrived in the grove by simple design… I’d followed her trail, her scent; I’d followed Evangeline. What that made me now I was unsure, but for some reason I didn’t care. I was curious… Was she meeting someone? Was she attempting to evade me? I didn’t truly want to know the answer to either, but at least I could prevent both things from happening.
I’d tried to fathom a million different reasons as why I too had decided to visit the secrecy of the hollow and yet none of them were made believable. Intrigue, mistake, or just plain curiosity- they all sounded so fabricated. No matter what I said or did, she’d know I’d come in her wake. Was there any use in hiding it now? Was there any use in hiding it ever?
Honesty had tugged the words I’d needed from her lips, so wouldn’t it do the same in this situation? I hoped. But, no matter how I tried to reason it I was left feeling nervous and crazed. I knew that this emotion was far from the serene relationship I’d shared with Tamira… but did that make it better?
Surely time would tell.
The scent of smoke breezed through the dark trees all around. I knew that someone had decided to start a fire to warm the cool, spring night… However, I couldn’t decide whether or not that meant it was Evangeline. After all, she was not the only creature in Helovia to bond with a dragon and that was excluding those individuals lucky enough to have been blessed with the Sun God’s magic.
But I trailed the flames anyhow, relying on blind faith to lead me in the right direction.
The path that led me to her was a long one and I did have a bit of time to occupy my mind with thoughts of other things, such as Essetia. But I was not soothed by the guilt or the shame I associated with my precious daughter. Surely I would be given the chance to explain myself to her, to apologize… if she was alive and well. I quickly buried the thought as soon as it reared its ugly head; I refused to believe anything had befallen my own child- my only child.
When I heard the shrouded whispers parting the thicket just ahead, I tipped curious ears toward the sound. They were most certainly feminine tones but it proved nothing in the way of who they belonged to. That is, until I got closer and saw the flame of her skin and the green of her eyes. Eva…
“What are you sorry about?” I questioned upon pressing through the thicket to join the mare and her companion. I cared naught if I’d frightened her nor if she’d been expecting someone else. It would teach her that spending the night in foreign places was unwise... and if she were holding private audience with another, well, I’d see the truth revealed.
01-11-2015, 02:56 PM (This post was last modified: 01-11-2015, 03:10 PM by Evangeline.)
Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
The night was quiet except for the chorus of crickets that chirped and the occasional hoot of an owl. Far off in the distance she could hear a lone wolf howl and be answered a few moments later by a few more. She did not fear the wolves and so, even with their howling, she found peace. With that peace she was able to find that normalcy that she had sought out. This was how it had been for the longest time, just her and Tallis against the world. They had taken care of one another. While she slept Tallis kept watch for threats and when he needed to sleep he nestled on her back and she stood watch. Now as he stood watch she could feel his annoyance at being away from the Edge, their herd, home.
"I'm sorry." Evangeline apologized again to the dragon. Whether or not he had picked up on Thor's arrival she didn't know, but she was startled when he spoke. Her heart went from its normal steady pace to fluttering like a thousand butterflies were trapped in her chest. Whether or not it was from fear or something else Evangeline did not know. She didn't want to think about it, analyze it, she only wanted peace. Was it so much to ask for?
"Why are you here?" She asked. "Did you follow me?" Her voice had become incredulous as she asked her second question. What would she do if he said that he had followed her? What would she do if he said he hadn't. That thought was followed up by one suggesting that maybe he'd come to the grove to meet someone else. Then what? "Are you here for someone else?" The question flew from her lips before she could stop it and it made her frown. So what if he had come for someone else. What did she care?
'Stupid.' Tallis grumbled as he left his perch on Evangeline's rump for one hidden away in the branches of the willow.
The answers you seek,
Shall be yours,
Once I claim,
What is mine.
I hadn’t been tempted from travel by the haunting songs of our wolven neighbors, but my heart did falter slightly at the idea of Evangeline being alone amongst them. Funny how even the tranquil grove did little to keep me from anxiety and doubt… What if she had meant to meet another? The thought made my stomach turn and knot uncomfortably. I felt as though I’d been driven to her side, looking to quell my fears of losing her to another with the idea of physical proximity. However, upon discovering Evangeline and Tallis alone, I was instantly relieved. However, in the wake of relief came only more worry. Why did she seek to make camp so far from home? Was it because of me? Was is something else?
Her wide, green eyes found me with contempt and surprise but it took me a few moments to gather my thoughts in order to give reply. Was I supposed to admit that I’d followed her? It hadn’t started that way… so perhaps a little white lie wouldn’t hurt either of us. But then that left room for more doubt and more questions. What was I doing here if not looking for Eva? I certainly couldn’t tell her I’d come seeking to clear my head… After all, how could a stallion such as myself find solace in the quiet shadows of the grove?
After all, this wasn’t a place deigned for platonic companionship.
“Yes,” I blurted hastily. “I mean, no… not- uhm, not initially anyways,” I fumbled uselessly. “I was just curious… to see, well… what are you doing here anyways?” I finally questioned with a little more certainty.
Everything with Tamira had been so simple and based solely on primal desire from the start. Evangeline was different… and I was a bumbling idiot when it came to courting. Not only was I an inexperienced lover, I was also quite matured from the base desires that had once guided my success. It was true, I had once been a formidable creature in most respects but I’d faded from glory and all that remained were the barren bones of who I was. If Evangeline couldn’t see me and accept me for whoever I’d become, then maybe I’d picked the wrong woman in which to trust my heart.
Though, I highly believed otherwise.
While debating the many things I’d been and the many things I sought to become, I’d grown distracted from the conversation at hand… this was why Eva’s not-so-subtle prodding threw me completely and utterly off guard. Was I here to meet someone else? I nearly laughed at the idea… Had I not proven myself a worthy suitor?
“No! Though, I was about to ask the same of you… I mean, why else would you come here?” I smiled. I hoped that when the truth was revealed I wouldn’t have to regret sharing such tender truths with Eva. I wasn’t sure I could handle any more deceit or failure in this lifetime.
The orange mare remained silent as Thor fumbled over his words after saying yes, that he had followed her. It didn't matter that he scrambled to correct what he had said, the answer that had flew from his lips first was more than enough. "Why?" She asked only seconds before he asked what she was doing there. Since when was it any of his business why she was where she was? He was only doing it to try and get closer to her and she knew it. It made her stubbornly try to put the walls back up that he had crashed through only a few days prior.
'Why?' Tallis asked from his perch in the willow tree. Try as he might the dragon couldn't fully understand his bonded's reasoning.
"I don't want to be hurt again." She tried to explain to the dragon. "I don't want it to be like Validino again. I don't want to wake up one day and be alone."
'You're alone now.' The dragon pointed out.
"Yes." Evangeline agreed. "But its different."
'How?' Tallis pressed.
"Because..." She trailed, unable to make herself say that she didn't love Thor. It surprised her how she had been able to tell him that she hadn't wanted him to his face so easily but she couldn't tell herself that she didn't love him. Her ears flicked back against her head in irritation as she felt Tallis grow smug. Okay, so maybe he'd made a point by making her realizing that she might love Thor, but that didn't mean she had to accept it. Rather than keep her conversation with the dragon going she questioned why Thor was in the grove and frowned.
“No! Though, I was about to ask the same of you… I mean, why else would you come here?”
Evangeline snorted and shifted her weight. "No, I did not come here to meet someone." She was mildly offended that he would think that of her. Did she look like a loose mare with no moral values? Her gaze shifted away from Thor and she looked at water. The surface of it was like a mirror, reflecting the moon and stars. "I like it here. Its peaceful. Calm." She let her gaze travel back to Thor and she sighed quietly. "I come here when I need to think."
On that lonely night you said it wouldn't be love
But we felt the rush, it made us believe there was only us
The grove was certainly a quiet place best meant to shield hopeful lovers from prying eyes, but was that what we were? Were we lovers? Nothing had ever been spoken aloud but there was something soft and subtle about the way I looked at Evangeline. Even in the shadow of night I could decipher the green of her eyes and the surprise they revealed. That was one of the things I enjoyed most about her—the way that I could see her. Eva was a fearless creature and wise beyond her years but she was also honest. She didn’t hold back when it came to expressing her opinions and she didn’t falter when it came to saying exactly what was on her mind. Maybe that was what had drawn me to her… maybe I’d been looking for someone with enough strength to avenge the loss of my own.
The flicker of the campfire flames dances across our faces and warmed the cool night air, but it failed to comfort my racing heart. It made me think of the first time I’d met Evangeline and the things she’d shared with me. Some time ago she too had served as a powerful, if naïve, ruler. We shared the same woes in that respect, but she hadn’t abandoned her duties because of loss… Instead she had fought through the trials until she could simply fight no more. But I had yet to see that fire in her demeanor where matters of the heart were concerned. Did that mean that she had nothing to fight for? Was I not enough to tempt her affections?
I couldn’t help but doubt our entire affair, if only because I was the only one truly sacrificing to take her hand. How many times had I begged her to accept me, to allow me a single chance to make her happy? As I looked around at the dark forest that enveloped us in seclusion and secrecy, I began to question more than Eva’s intentions in coming to the Grove, but the truth of her confessions shared in the Edge as well. My mind was a terrible thing to navigate when plagued by turmoil, but when anxiety preyed on my weakness I couldn’t ever seem to win the ensuing battle.
All of my previous optimism had been cut down by Evangeline’s placid façade and while I fought to regain myself, she continued to press me with questions.
“You’ve been distant as of late. I had to know if the woman I was fighting for meant to return the sentiments… It’s like pulling teeth with you Eva. How many times do I need to question your loyalty and your feelings until I’m given a true answer?” I replied coolly. “One moment I think I see it and the next, I can’t see anything. I’m looking at you now and there’s nothing… nothing at all,” I concluded on a sigh. She would certainly be the death of me if I continued to court her, but Eva was worth the heartache if that’s really what I was presently feeling. I knew it was a mixture of anger and pain and doubt, but there was something fulfilling about all of those emotions. I didn’t feel the need to berate myself for feeling that way and it was a refreshing notion after so much guilt and sadness over the past.
It took some time for Evangeline to say anything else and I assumed it was because she was conversing silently with Tallis. That was another thing I’d come to expect of her... The bond she shared with the dragon was unbreakable and also one I could not yet understand without a companion of my own. However, I allowed her to share her thoughts with him uninterrupted- even if it drove me absolutely mad. I wanted to know her feelings just as much as she wanted to share them with Tallis.
When her eyes returned to me and she seemed satisfied to resume our conversation, I grimaced slightly. In between glancing up to Tallis for quiet answers and listening to her claim that she had come to the Grove seeking solitude, I started to laugh. It wasn’t the jovial, enthusiastic chuckle that Eva was most likely accustomed to, but instead a dark, thoughtful guffaw that made my skin crawl. “I don’t suppose that’s why you asked me the same question? Isn’t that why everyone comes to the Grove Eva, to think?” I urged angrily. She looked offended and perhaps a bit in awe that I’d been so presumptuous, but had she not given me the same suggestive stare upon finding me here in the ”Secret Grove”? If that was the lie she was going to feed me, then so be it.
Evangeline stared as Thor declared that she had been distant, spoke of fighting for her and wanting to know if she returned the sentiment. "I've not changed the way I act." She said stubbornly. "I treat you no different than I treat anyone else." It wasn't a total lie but it wasn't a total truth, either. She did tend to hold Thor at a bit more distance than she held anyone else because he scared her more than anyone else. She was terrified of the possibility of loving him, of committing herself to him, of opening her heart to him. After Validino she lacked the confidence that she could come out of any relationship whole, especially if it didn't work. It was not so easy to forget the past and the hurt that came with it.
He continued and the more he spoke the more she felt like he was berating her. The tone of his voice made her head drop and she stood there like a chastised child, waiting for it to be over. He made her feel weak and wrong for being scared to commit to him. The way he spoke to her did little to lessen her discomfort, her fear, did even less to make her want open her heart to him. She was growing tired of his voice, of his words, of the way he made her feel so wrong and stupid. "Stop!" She finally snapped. "Don't talk to me that way!" She finally lifted her head and glared at Thor. "You act like its so easy. Well its not. You barely know anything about me, about my past, and you want me to fall head over heels for you just because you want me to. What about me? What about my wants? My fears?" She stared for a moment, waiting for an answer before she could finally no longer look at Thor. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts but he wouldn't accept it.
“I don’t suppose that’s why you asked me the same question? Isn’t that why everyone comes to the Grove Eva, to think?”
Evangeline could have kicked herself for asking Thor if he was meeting anyone at the Grove. Her gaze snapped back to Thor, her ears slicked back against her head and she glared again. Was he insinuating that she was easy? "What?" Her voice came out at nearly a hiss. "You're going to stand there and insinuate that I'm a whore?" And yet he wanted her to fall all over herself to be with him. It brought her to a level of anger that she had never before experienced in her life. "Well fuck you, Thor!" She shouted angrily.
She was incredulous, offended, and perhaps a bit surprised that things had moved so easily from her grip and into mine. However, sometimes feelings were meant to be guarded and sometimes we were each allowed moments of greed… even if I thought those moments were more meant to hurt me. I’d tried to still my tongue and I’d tried to control the anxiety that surfaced in the wake of her growing reclusion, but it had come. It had broken through all of my tempered efforts to refrain and it highlighted the cracks in my fragile veneer. She could see it now, the hurt of my past, splintering right down to my core until it threatened to break me apart. Yet, I had no pity for Evangeline, because I too had suffered love’s loss and it had come at the hands of death.
Dying was a bitter thing that seemed surreal and temporary… but of course we all knew that it was something permanent, something irreversible. Tamira’s life had been written into the earth and even more so within my heart, but Evangeline was here. She was a vision of life and she was the promise for a new and better future, even if it was just outside of my reach… even if she was just outside of my reach. However, those eyes of unmerciful green had stopped me long before I’d even begun. Eva was the destroyer of my world and the creator of my happiness and why she couldn’t see that after all this time and all this persistence… I would never understand. Yet, I was the one going mad; I was the one searching for ways to mend the ice I’d never intended to break underfoot.
Everything she said was just another way to defend herself from me, anyone could see it, yet she couldn’t. I’d had enough of to trying to reel her in and attempt to coax the words from her mouth, the words I truly desired, not the ones that could placate me for a day or two. The darkness of the grove did little to suppress my own vulnerability, let alone that of a stubborn mare… but somehow I did not find shame lingering in the corners of my mind for allowing Evangeline to see me as I was. I was a man, but that didn’t keep me from feeling and loving. However, that only led me to more unanswered questions that I vaguely felt I already knew the answers to… this was just another wild goose chase, doomed for hell. “Don’t lie to me, I think I’ve heard enough half-truths from you to last me a lifetime,” I responded coldly. This was it, the very moment Evagenline had to decide. I couldn’t be her knight in shining armor every time she decided to blockade her heart.
However, the more I pressed her, the more she snarled like a cornered wolf. I couldn’t comfort her anymore… I couldn’t keep making up for the distance she sought to put between us. I’d seen this situation one too many times and each time it got harder, more unbearable to witness. She was broken, that much was certain… but she didn’t want my help. She wanted to suffer in her isolation like some exotic animal forced into captivity. I’d seen her beauty and the wild glimmer of freedom in her soul… yet, that wasn’t what I saw now. Now she was a guarded damsel in distress, unwilling to be saved. “I think you know we all have fears Eva, but this might be the last time you get to see mine.”
I’d thought that at some point she would give up, turn loose the fear that gripped her and made her vicious, but I’d been wrong. The moment such offensive words left her mouth, so full of accusation and finality, I turned. There was a moment that I considered staying and fighting for her, but I had nothing left. There was nothing that I could call upon to keep me at her side. If she wanted a life of solitude then I would give it to her… I would let her go.
The tone of his voice was one that she was beginning to loathe, but it was a well deserved tone. He knew when she wasn't telling him the total truth and he responded in the way that he found fitting, but it did little to make Evangeline want to calm down and speak with him. It only made her want to guard herself more, fend off his affections, deny herself another chance at love, another chance at getting her heart ripped into a thousand different pieces. What was a little loneliness if she saved herself a ton of heartache? She could feel Tallis' disaproval of her choice and it confused her more because he had always been so protective of her. He was protective, jealous, and had run off stallions before, but for a reason she didn't understand he had sided with Thor instead of her.
"You want the truth?" She finally snapped. "Fine! I treat you different. I don't want to get close to you. I'm scared. I'm scared to love. I'm scared to commit. I'm scared to be hurt again, but I don't think you care. Everything has been about you and what you want out of me. Truthfully I think you know that it terrifies me, but have you ever even asked me why? No, you haven't. You're too caught up in your end goal to think about anyone but you and what you want." She paused long enough to take a breath before beginning again. "You've given me no reason to trust you. Whenever you don't hear what you want to hear you turn cold and distant. Do you think that makes me want to open up to you? No. It makes me want to run and hide and defend myself because it hurts. Because you're hurting me." In the end she needed security. She needed to know that if she and Thor disagreed that he wouldn't treat her or speak to her as coldly as he was now. "I've been mistreated enough for several lifetimes. I don't need it from you, too."
How was that for truth?
It didn't get better, though. It only went from bad to worse and she began to feel like a caged animal, desperate for any kind of escape that she could get. The moment that she felt as though he was calling her a whore she snapped. The words flew from her mouth before she could think to stop it, ugly and offensive and completely out of character for her. Her emerald eyes were wide and her mouth was slightly ajar, her shock evident and tangible. What had she done?
'Apologize!' Tallis hissed loudly enough to jolt his bonded out of her shocked state.
"Thor..." He had already turned his back on her, was already leaving. It was just like everyone else that had come into her life, but this time it was her fault. He was leaving because of her. "I'm sorry! I... I didn't mean..." Panic laced her voice and she found herself trailing after him several steps before she forced herself to stop. "I'm sorry."
How many times had I walked away from her hoping that she’d relent and give in to me? I believe this was the second time and counting… I held no reservations for how our relationship would be and considered this another dip between the hills that was our sanctuary. Days and weeks had passed so blissfully until now and that made me question what that time had actually meant to her… if anything at all. It was certainly growing harder for me to hold on to something that clearly wanted to be left alone, uncherished. Whatever demons lurked in her past could stay there, because this was the future, she was looking at it… watching as it walked away.
The night was chill and empty; it held promises of sleeplessness if I continued and that was something I wasn’t sure I could deal with. I abhorred the idea of losing myself to my thoughts, to my thoughts of the past, and to my thoughts of Evangeline. I’d managed to move on with my life after Tamira and after Essetia, but I was left once again facing the dark corners of what love often hid from its unsuspecting victims. Everywhere I turned was a dead end only suited for unhappiness… I wasn’t quite sure which way I supposed to go.
Dew had started to accumulate along the new spring grass and the smell of it reminded me of rain and early morning. How many mornings would I have to suffer without her this time? Truthfully we had only shared sleeping quarters a handful of times and always respectfully so, but that didn’t make it any less significant in my mind. At times I would awaken hours before her in order to admire her beauty and her innocence and her ability to trust me… but was it really trust? Was it anything like I’d imagined when first courting the Pure? I thought my heart to be in the right place and at one time I’d assumed hers in a similar position and yet every time I’d been wrong. I’d been so dearly, utterly, and fantastically wrong.
This was my proof.
I tried to listen when she continued her tantrum, but it was increasingly difficult after hearing such venomous remarks only moments before. On another note, these things were all points that had never been mentioned before. How was I supposed to know that she didn’t trust me or that some prior situation had made her bitter? These were all things that had remained in shadow until this night and somehow I was expected to understand? I was involved in a one-sided relationship, one I’d been able to fabricate until this moment and this point in time… I felt like a fool, a damn fool, so much so that I couldn’t seem to bring myself to answer her or respond to all of the problems she’d decided to bring up months too late. I wouldn’t be taken for everything I was worth, not again.
Yet… my heart said differently.
Maybe I was a forgiving man or perhaps it was the way apologies sounded coming from her lips, but I had to turn, I had to see it in her eyes despite the many times I’d imagined something else. “We can’t keep doing this,” I replied forlornly. I knew this was just another instance of me giving and her taking, but I didn’t care. I was ready to lay down my heart for Eva, no matter the cost. If pain and suffering was all that remained for us then I would endure… I would persevere. “But honest to God Eva, I can’t be without you.”
Had Evangeline known exactly what Thor was thinking, how he felt, that he considered everything that she had said to be nothing more than a tantrum rather than legitimate concerns on her part she would not have apologized for what she had said previously. She would have turned her back on him and walked away because if he could not take what she had to say seriously at that moment when would he ever take her seriously? When would her concerns ever mean anything? She had kept him at arm's length for some time becuase she was not ready to give herself to him completely and yet he demanded it time and again and every time she had to bolster herself, make herself stronger somehow to stand up against his onslaught. How many ways did she have to come up with to tell him that she wasn't ready or that she was scared? How many times would she be subjected to his cold demeanor when he didn't get what he wanted? And how many times would she be subjected his insinuations that she wasn't so pure. They had only just met when he'd asked if she was as pure as her title suggested.
In the end he could only make her out to be the difficult one for so long before he realized that he was just as difficult, just as stubborn as she was. He would realize that he was not the only one hurting, but until he realized what he was doing to her she couldn't be confident that giving her heart to him was the right thing to do. Her ears lifted as he spoke, telling her that they couldn't keep doing this. "Then why?" She asked quietly. "Why do you keep doing this to me? Why do you keep pushing me and pushing me?" If he kept pushing her eventually she would fall and when she hit the ground she would shatter into a million pieces. She was not a creature that could be handled with force but with a gentle hand and patience she would flourish.
"But honest to God Eva, I can't be without you."
She looked down at the ground, at her hooves, and remembered a time when those words would have made her heart soar; would have reduced her to a flood of happy tears to finally have someone that wanted her. She'd experienced it and had experienced the pain that came with being abandoned by the one that she had given her heart and body to. Maybe Thor would be different but her own sense of self-preservation kept her from jumping into something that could be so rewarding and so painful. "Why?" Came her next question. "Why me? Just... just help me understand."
Through the shadow and the twilight it was impossible to focus on the green of her eyes or the way her mouth might turn downward if she was displeased. At this point I could picture the way her lips were drawn tight, angry and focused. Her eyes were probably wide and incredulous, trying to find a good reason to blame me for her own emotions, and if I were smart I’d find a way to resolve the matter. Evangeline was just as bull-headed as she was beautiful, a diamond in a world full of crimson rubies. While others were content to dabble with sin, Eva had found a way to remain pure, innocent, and faithful. She believed in things that had all but eluded me until meeting her and she pondered others that I’d chosen to overlook on my road to the easy way out.
As I looked around, taking in the varying depths of darkness that threaded itself through slender willows and their wispy branches, I became a lost man. What in God’s name was I doing? I was wasting too much time pressing toward an uncertain future that promised nothing and forbid nothing… Instead of taking her hand and offering her support, I was more inclined to make her lead us toward a destiny, a fate together, which was just as unclear as the surrounding grove. Our entire courtship had been veiled in doubt and mistrust conjured up from the past that neither of us was willing to forget.
Sounds from the thicket became more apparent in the silence as crickets and toads chirped and bellowed to one another, an unceremonious song of the night. Behind Evangeline, the trees seemed to grow dense and unforgiving, trapping us in the moment with our agonies. There was no escaping the tension that bloomed between us and maybe it was for the best. We were both on the cusp of fleeing the pain that arose every time we spoke of commitment and love, but still we failed to provide an answer for the infinite dead ends that ultimately got us nowhere. Evangeline wanted to push while I pulled and the daily struggles of our shallow romance had grown stale. To me, this was the moment of truth, of the decision that would have to be made if we were to continue down the broken path of our figurative convergence. However, any time I expressed a need to lie with her and protect her from the world’s evils, she refused.
It was tiring, it was maddening, but most of all, it was hopeless.
“Fine, I’ll stop pushing,” I relented on a sigh. I felt as though I were being suffocated by the closeness of her and the circle of trees that seemingly staunched the flow of cool air. My skin was suddenly hot to the touch and my spine crawled with a vicious pain that I couldn’t quite yet identify… Perhaps my heart was breaking and it manifested itself physically so that I could be sure. I favored the idea of suffering by way of flesh wounds over pining after an unrequited love- at least one of them could be healed. Again I looked out into the grove hoping to find answers or even a reason to retreat back to the Edge so that I could nurture my wounded pride, but only the quiet song of the crickets and the toads countered back.
The pain in my back appeared to wax and wane, and though I said nothing to foster conversation, I was finally able to relax again. There was certainly no point in getting worked up about this anymore. Evangeline and I had pulled both tooth and claw in order to come to a compromise, but nothing worked with us. I was getting a little too old to claim ignorance and as far as I knew it was time to throw in the towel, call it quits. For a moment I was on the verge of doing just that until a rushed, tangle of words averted my momentary decision. It was almost sick how many times I’d had to explain myself to Eva and even more awe inspiring how many times she needed to hear it… but for the sake of our friendship, or whatever one might call it, I gave in… one last time. “Do you really need to hear what it means to love someone? Do I need to divulge the various reasons why I’ve come to care about you? Are you not Evangeline? Or are you not beautiful and strong, intelligent and caring? Tell me please, why is it that you believe I’ve picked you? I’d like to hear it,” I stated evenly. There was no malice in my tone nor any reason for her to feel threatened by what’d I’d said. There was just me and her, the crickets and the toads, and the fact that I loved her irrevocably, all hidden away behind the tight circle of trees that trapped us with our agonies.
Silence reigned supreme after Thor relented and said that he would stop pushing her. The fire crackled and the flames made their shadows dance about. The chirping crickets grew louder and louder until they were nearly deafening before finally becoming softer. In the distance she could hear the wolves begin howling to one another again. Water splashed as a fish hit the surface and Evangeline sighed. Everything about the grove was peaceful and calming but tonight it was anything but. Each little noise made her uncomfortable, put her on edge, and it took all of her strength to keep from flinching at every owl's hoot and every wolf's howl. It was no question in her mind that it was Thor that made her uncomfortable; everything about him from the loving way he looked at her to the way he said her name and the exasperation he had with her when she didn't budge when he pushed her. She had resigned herself to living out the rest of her life alone, but there he was offering her everything she'd had before and there she was too scared to reach out and take it.
Why? Why her? What was so special about her? The questions swirled around endlessly in her mind and she never could get a straight answer out of Thor. He would dance around his reasons and pose the question back to her, asking her why she thought he wanted her. Evangeline could never come up with an answer that satisfied her. Why could he possibly want her? Even as she asked him, yet again, she expected him to turn it around on her and when he did she sighed softly. Why could he not just give her an answer that she could hold on to; one that could save her as she floundered helplessly in the tidal wave of emotions and confusion that he always brought forth.
"I don't know." She sighed, her head shaking. "I'm broken... damaged." What did she have left to give? How much of her heart was left being broken so many times? "I don't know what it is you think I can offer you. I don't know what I have left to offer." She wondered what he would do because she was certain that she wasn't giving him the answer that he wanted. "I wish I did." She whispered, her eyes falling shut against the flood of tears that would be coming.
I felt as though I’d given everything to Evangeline- my heart, my devotion, and my time. I had spent too long pursuing her to let things fall apart now, even if she consistently found ways to evade me. The wire upon which I’d been hanging had finally snapped and the words Eva had been looking for only appeared to fall away with it. There were only so many times I could express myself- only so many fucking times I could have this conversation without simply exploding. Yet, again I found myself sighing, again I found myself relenting to her desires, and again I would savor the way she looked at me when I said I love you.
For a long time the quiet was all that separated us. It was like the seclusion had only intensified our fears and amplified our anger. But why? Why were we frustrated with one another? Why didn’t we just give in and spare ourselves the continued hurt. Love was not an easy thing and it often came at a price, but I was willing to insure us both; Eva would never hurt again.
“You’re mistaken,” I finally began. “You have everything to offer. You are wildly intelligent and frustratingly kind. There are times when you irritate me and times when I can’t seem to get enough of you, but there is certainly no one else like you. I’ve spent so longer trying to recover from loss and tragedy and the day I met you was like seeing for the first time. Everything about you was different. I wanted to know you, I wanted to be near you, and most of all I wanted you to be mine,” I breathed. “You see, you are the fire to my every dark night. You have given me strength when I felt I could no longer stand. It was nothing that you did, but rather who you are that inspired me. I don’t care if you’re broken- let me fix you. I don’t care if you’re damaged- I am too. I don’t care what happens in my future as long as you’re at my side. I’m through with searching Eva; I’ve found who I’m looking for,” I sighed.
But… I wasn’t done yet. She wanted to hear it so she would hear everything.
“Actually, If you must know, I fell in love with you the moment I met you. I don’t think I knew it back then, but I know it now. I haven’t come to destroy you or hurt you. I only want to be with you and care for you and love you. I don’t need perfection and I don’t need some pristine woman who has it all together. I want to share your troubles and fight for the things you believe in. I want to look back on my life and see you there. I’m not going to hurt you Eva, I’m going to protect you. I’m going to cherish you…”
For a moment the world grew silent and all I could hear was our breathing and the intermingling of thoughts and fears and desires. The wire had certainly snapped and I had certainly jumped off the deep end, but if bearing my soul was what she’d needed, then she would have it- she would have me. “I love you. I care for you. I admire you. Please, I’m begging, don’t turn me away.”
Evangeline didn't open her eyes, but she listened to everything that Thor said and she was confused. How could he love her as much as he claimed to when she'd done nothing but push him away? How could she give him strength when she had no strength left for herself? How could he not care that she was broken from years of being left behind by everyone that she loved? How could he make her whole again when everyone she'd loved had taken pieces of her when they left? How could he fix her when everything just seemed to make the cracks in her heart spiderweb out of control? How, after everything she'd experienced, could she trust him enough to give him a chance?
'Because he never gave up.' Tallis pointed out through their bond. Her emerald eyes opened and she looked up toward the dragon once more. He sat, still perched on his branch in the willow tree, looking down at Evangeline. 'Thor never give up on Eva.' Again, she was impressed by the sheer amount of intelligence and understanding that Tallis held. ' 'Uske give up, go away. Dino give up, go away. Rico give up, yell, go away. Thor still here.' He blinked his dark eyes, his scaled head tilting as he gazed down at his bonded. 'Thor love Eva. Not like Tallis love Eva, but Thor love Eva. Eva should be happy.'
"I want to look back on my life and see you there. I’m not going to hurt you Eva, I’m going to protect you. I’m going to cherish you…"
"Really?" She asked, her voice tentative and shaky. "You promise?" Her heart thundered and felt as if it were going to burst through her chest.
“I love you. I care for you. I admire you. Please, I’m begging, don’t turn me away.”
Fear made Evangeline tremble and made her movement slow, but she still stepped toward Thor. She felt as if she were throwing herself off of the Edge and into the ocean, but it had to be right if even Tallis, her protector for so many years, encouraged it. Eva hesitated as she moved to stand closer to Thor, then pressed her face into his neck. "Okay." She agreed, voice soft and trembling. "I won't."
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