SIALIA
Realism [+0]
:: He is fast, and is coming at me head on, Be sure to read your opponent’s post carefully- the way I understood Roland was that he was coming in from the side.
:: My dark hooves land a few feet away, and I wince on the impact. Landed from what? You never described her moving anywhere to begin with.
:: My own injury screams in protest to the movement and the stretch, but I have to ignore it, I have to fight through it. In your first post, I really didn’t feel like you took enough injury at first, but then you wrote this. I feel like there was a serious disconnect between the first half and second half of your post. Continuity is really important in fights, so make sure you’re matching up injuries from before to later in the post. That said, I like that you didn’t forget about her injury entirely.
:: jaws open wide at the lower half of his throat, right where his neck connects to his chest. I really would have liked some explanation as to why Sialia was trying to attack Roland in such a deadly manner. For just a training spar in the Basin, this seemed a little intense.
:: trotting off only to walk a few feet later, circling around my opponent. You can’t say this with certainty, Roland could have moved. Careful.
:: Again, I could have used more explanation on the injury. Roland rolled even higher in his second attack, and I didn’t feel like your injury was any worse than her previous one.
:: I would have liked to see more use of scenery throughout the fight.
:: You did ok remembering character differences, although they weren’t entirely organic in the beginning they did get a little better in one of your later posts.


Emotion [-1]
:: Ow. There is a stinging pain, located on the skin between my neck and shoulder. Kudo's to you buddy, but you just got lucky. He got me good, very good. I can feel the blood dripping down my chest, and in a sick way I revel in the pain. This was very dry to read. She just got bit, and from what I understand fairly hard- I’d like to see more emotion. Either explain why she doesn’t care, or explain what she’s thinking, something to help draw me in.
:: Yet again, my blow doesn't land, and honestly it kind of pisses me off. This was the first real bit of emotion that I got from Sialia, and I wish you would have expounded on it.
:: taking in his movements as he dashes forward towards me. I am not surprised by this, Why isn’t she surprised? Explain!


Prose [+1]
:: I forget sometimes how much others like to be polite before battles. Not just raging in and attacking. But maybe I underestimate him. This was a little choppy to read. I think some of it is stylistic, but you can also use commas to create breaks in your writing without insinuating the finality that a period does.
:: There is some slip, but the digging of my hooves is effecting, and I gain ground fast. I’m not even sure what effecting is supposed to mean in this sentence.
:: breath and composer Composure
:: I let my legs out at there full length Their
:: You always had more words left- you don’t necessarily use all of them to be a good writer, but your posts could have used the support of some more explanation and decoration.


Readability [+2]
:: There were a few times that I had to re-read because of strange wording or because of actions that didn’t entirely make sense.

Finally tally: 43+(2*2)= 47HP


ROLAND
Realism [+2.5]
:: He had only gone a few steps before he wheeled to face her again, muscles tense, tail curling against his hocks and head lowered, horn tipped towards the mare as he set himself up for her retaliation. Careful how you word things like this- Sialia could have moved.
:: I love that you had him miss Sialia’s attack because he slipped in the mud. It really highlighted his inexperience and I felt like it was totally in character. Well done!
:: he swung his hindquarters away and turned to face her head on, keeping well within her reach. Again, careful with this wording- she could have moved.
:: Great job using prior experience to justify Roland’s actions, in your third post!
:: Coming to a gradual halt just a few feet from her left side, he turned himself towards her and prepared for her next move. Same note as before- she could have moved.
:: You did a beautiful job remembering the scenery throughout, and using it in your posts.
:: You also did a good job working in your opponent’s build compared to yours. It seemed a little forced in your first post, but was more organic later in the course of the fight.


Emotion [+2]
:: I liked your introductory emotion- especially the way Roland considered why he was fighting, and trying to better himself for Lena and his herd.
:: It was great that his lack of confidence continued into your next post- I loved it.
:: Well-done throughout, really- I could tell what Roland was thinking and why he was acting the way he was the entire fight. Great!


Prose [+4]
:: I didn’t notice any grammatical errors. It was clear that your posts were well-edited and that you took time to make them the best they could be. Your writing is beautiful and has excellent flow. Great job!


Readability [+3]
:: No comments or concerns

Finally tally: 53.5+(11.5*2)= 76.5HP