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01-25-2015, 12:10 AM
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I’m not gonna talk about how I got there because it doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna say what I felt when I saw my Pa, my Ma, all those people there, because I could feel in my breast what it meant but it doesn’t matter. We found out who was killin’ all them people and it doesn’t matter. Pa was right about the Moon Goddess (I was right to call her a bitch) and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. None of it fucking matters. (You exist to provide a balance between the mortals and us—) I knew there was gonna be a loss. I knew it, the rattle somewhere in my bones, this deep sense of discontent that hung over my back and breast and never let up, not when I was freezing, not when I was duking it out and getting my ass handed to me. I knew it and I went to my Ma and I clung to her (and pushed her away) and clung some more because I knew I would end up losing someone and I didn’t think there would be anyone more perfect to lose than my own Ma. Turns out, I didn’t lose my Ma. I lost. I lost and it burned my throat so hard that I couldn’t speak. I lost and it was like I was falling and I saw my Pa and I was falling some more (I tried) and I saw my Ma and there was Auntie and she was screaming (I tried) and crying and keening something horrible and Mr. Archibald was there (he lost his lady) again there was a boy I knew and didn’t know at the same time and there was more words and more shouting (I swear I tried) and I was falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and— --and— --and none of it mattered. (Family is a bond of trust, and I trust you—) There it was—an anchor to something deep, something behind me that I had clung to for some time, something that I held nearer to me than I originally believed. The cords holding it in place snapped and thrashed around like a thousand sparking serpents, whizzing through the air and starting fires as they went while the thing crashed around me, its noise blazing and blurring into my ears and erasing everything bit by bit, thread by thread, little by little—and suddenly it was nothing and it didn’t matter anymore. There was nothing left; no words in my tongue (because they were shouting them); no thoughts in my mind (because everyone was thinking it); no movement from me, not even a breath (because Big Toto was dead). (--Do you trust me?) No. (but someone already said that) What a mess. What an absolu-fuc king-mess this was. A god banished from her skies; three more of them utter fools (--You need me to snoop around for you since you can’t thanks to some holy bullshit--); a mother (another one, another one) keening over her lost boy, her big boy, her Toto; anger and sadness and blame and hate—no, -- and confusion and more anger and this particular hurt that poisoned us all, this thing that tied us all together with the most tortuous of barb-wired chains: we were all still alive. And I just stood there. Useless as ever. I couldn’t even find a tear to give my big, big cousin (because they were crying them all). I thought I had forgiven myself already. … …WELP. |
