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03-24-2015, 11:51 PM
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Ophelia the Forsaken
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Oddly enough, Ophelia realized that she did not think of Maren’s extra appendages as wings at all. Rather, they were feathery ears of sorts, and never having flown or experienced wind through feathers, she could not imagine that they would be in any way useful. Even as one of the feathers poked her eye, she found it to be more of a nuisance, and she felt tear stains leak down her cheeks, gathering the dust their hooves loosed until it was a streak of blackish brown marring the skin beneath her crimson eye. Irritation like a thousand gnats humming in her ears overwhelmed the pale princess with a singular urge to retaliate, though she justified her actions with the preface of the spar: no holding back. Their collision, though rough on her joints, was worth the pain. A pawn for a queen. One of her cloven hooves gained purchase on a slender canon, sliding down the bone until she hit sand again, and Ophelia did not let emotion cross her face. The worst mistake she could make would be to take pleasure in another’s pain and be distracted from her enemy’s counter strike. Wise words proved advantageous. Ophelia jerked her head downward as she prepared to spin, narrowly missing ivory jaws gnashing at her throat. She curved her body, coming down from a towering, white height and swinging her horn, feeling the tip catch on the familiar protest and release of splitting flesh. Curious, how the skin seemed so eager to encase the body until the point it groaned, unable to take the strain of bloodthirsty weapons to reveal soft, red meat inside. Each of them had such fragile shells, barely capable of holding together the bones and blood, barely any protection against the wills of power-hungry fighters. Fortunately, her skin was fortified with silver bands, encasing her in an armored shell not unlike the crustaceans she had watched on the shores of the Moonlit Tides as a child. Vicious little creatures they were – so eager to pinch curious children. Together, the two created distance, her horn dripping with blood that snaked down the spiral and stained the white of her face. Crimson liquid curved down her eyes like war paint, catching in her white lashes and collecting in beads of garnet. The color, coagulating to muddy red, matched the deep tones that tainted the fringes of her hair, making her look positively and gorgeously lethal. Liquid still leaked from her red eye, glossing over the surface with a fine mist that blurred her vision on her right side, and she swung her gaze around, narrowing her eyes when she saw blood on the ground but did not see Maren. Ophelia glanced into the dust, turning and surprised that she had lost such a striking opponent when the mare suddenly emerged from the dust like hellfire. Through the haze of her right eye, she saw a flash of orange and then felt the pressure of hooves colliding against her hip. Startled, the pale princess tried to move out of the way, but the force, pain and pressure all combined, forced her downward, and she grunted as she felt her skin split, unwilling to protect her any longer – even beneath the silver bands of armor. Unprepared legs gave way, slipping in the sand until her left hip hit the dust, and she scrambled for her footing, feeling injuries groan in protest. Ophelia jerked her body upward then, taking a step onto her right hip and immediately hissing in pain, unable to take her own weight as the muscles cramped under the strain. The sun, at the apex of its cycle, bore down heavily upon their backs, and Ophelia panted for breath, lungs heaving to keep her body awake. She blinked, ridding her eye of the glossy film and stopping, looking at her opponent with a fair, even gaze. Ophelia had a heart, deep and pure, but it was buried beneath a life time of abandonment, pain and betrayal. Rarely now did she let her soul shine through the icy walls that surrounded her heart, and she offered a pained smile. “Well done,” she rewarded Maren. “Your final attack was brilliant – well planned and executed.” The pale princess breathed heavily, limping her way to the watery oasis. “You are a worthy partner, Maren. Thank you.” [[(closing defense) (724 words in word) -- Ophelia dodges Maren's bite but takes the full hit on her hip and falls over! |
Teaching Notes
You know honestly, I am trying really hard to find something in this post, and for the life of me, I can’t.
So instead, I will focus on the points that I think were excellent.
1. I really like your fast responses – like Maren’ s bite – which keeps the battle very fast paced
2. The way you had Maren guarded by the sand both of us had been writing as being kicked up with her mists was very clever and an excellent way to hide yourself. Great realism points!
3. I tried to find grammatical or spelling errors, but I really couldn’t. As a general rule of thumb, you should try to never end a sentence with a personal pronoun. So saying “…. This was difficult for her” is technically considered improper English. But, that’s getting nitpicky and rather ridiculous, so I am just bringing it up for your knowledge and to have something to say since your post was otherwise flawless.
4. I also think that you took the 5 damage very well and I really like how you separated your attacks into clear, concise units that were surrounded by description. That really helped me place Maren in space and in relation to Ophelia, so KUDOS THERE!
5. I’ll let the judges take on the rest, but I really have nothing I can teach. This was great !
 Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done. Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning. |
Please tag me in every response!
